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Sep. 13th, 2017

balcony

Quoteboard update

*mom re-enters the house Sunday morning*
Mom: Just me!
Ashley: What happened?
Mom: I grabbed the wrong bag. Can’t teach Sunday School with my swim bag!

Sam: I’ve never ridden a horse before.
Caleb: Don’t pop any wheelies.

Ashley: It’s not the sort of story you usually see on a flannelgraph.
Mom: You’re really dating yourself.
Ashley: Well, SOMEBODY’S got to!

Mom, updating her diary: What did we do on Thursday?
Ashley: I washed dishes. I was depressed. ...That's all *I* did!
Mom: You went swimming with me!
Ashley: Yes. And then I was depressed and washed dishes.

Mom: So I'm reading this book, set in World War I. It's a lot like that soap opera on PBS... what's its name?
Ashley: A *soap opera* on *PBS*??
Mom: Yeah! You know, it's really popular... What's it called?
Ashley: ...Is it Dow--
Mom: Downton Abbey!
Ashley: *dying of laughter* SOAP OPERA!!?!
Mom: Well, it basically IS!
Ashley: *can't stop laughing*

*murder mystery dinner*
Jess: *sings* Everybody murders somebody sometime…

Melissa: We’re here to have some good, clean fun!
Ashley: Yeah! An evening of gossiping and murder!

Grace: I made a really cute Sim girl to be my neighbor, and then they deleted her hair and her shirt, so she’s running around bald and naked!

Ashley: Have you read that thing on Amazon about the sugar-free gummi bears that give people explosive diarrhea?
Quinton: There’s another kind that makes you horribly constipated.
Grace: The two horsemen of the apocalypse.

Mom: Think of the fun you could have with a medium!
Ashley: You’d have to come up with a crazy story beforehand about your family member’s death... Like they died in a hot-air balloon accident.
Mom: And then be like, “Can you explain what happened with the hot air balloon?”
Ashley: And they’d be like, “Oh, the canvas tore.” And you’d be like, “...And the explosion?”
Mom: “We’ve always wondered.”
Ashley: “Could you explain the bit with the poodle?”

Ashley, at a family carry-in: If I explode, bury me nicely.

*the microwave is running*
Ashley, imitating the food in the microwave: Pop!
Mom: It’s not even a weasel.
Ashley: I’d be pretty upset if you were microwaving a weasel, Mom.
Mom: Not half so upset as the weasel.

Emily: If God told you he’d give you every place you set your foot, what would you do?
Myles: I’D STEP ON EVERYTHING.

Emily: Can you be rich if you don’t have money?
Bryson: Rich in turtles!

Emily, telling the story of Jericho: They came to find the spies because they heard they were there. ...So they weren’t very good spies.

Emily: So Rahab hid them up on the roof! Under the... under the...
Ashley: Stuff. Under the stuff.
Emily: Yeah, what’s it called...
Cole: Fishsticks!
Emily: She hid them under the fishsticks.

Emily: Did you know Miss Ashley’s a doctor? Do you know how many years she went to school after high school to be a doctor?
Ashley: (*thinks* Does Emily even know how many years it was?)
Emily: Like, eight hundred years!
Ashley: ...Yes. Exactly.

Mom: I once saw a guy walk into a sign while texting. He apologized to it.

Natasha: Bruno Mars is 34.
Grace: Wow, he looks REALLY GOOD for 34.
Ashley: ...

Ashley: So for this skit, you go to church... and then we crucify your sister. Think you can handle that?
Ally: Yep!

Natasha: I love how [the cast on Criminal Minds] call Garcia, and they're like, "Okay, this man is white, he's probably been four years old before, and he has brown hair.” And she's like, “Bingo!”

Emily, watching Criminal Minds: Once again, people need to stop saying “Hello?” If there really is a murderer in your house, they’re not gonna be like, “How are you, bro?”

Natasha: The day my mom got Netflix was the downfall of my social and academic life.

Michelle: What do you think a disciple looks like?
Grace: *does makeup tutorial poses*

Natasha: I’m not about people below the Mason Dixon line.
Grace: Have you seen them?
Tori: Have you played sports against them?
Grace: "Have you played sports?" No.

Dr. Mills on John the Baptist: He had called out the king, and the government, and some of the rich people, the Kardashians of the kingdom...
Bea: The Kardashianites.

Ashley on the feeding of the five thousand: “It was late and the crowd was becoming hangry.”

Pastor Mills: And God says, “Get a life!”

Brian, on computer programming: My philosophy was always, Keep it simple. Make it easy, so if you get hit by a truck, someone else can pick it up. THIS is so complicated, you’d probably step out and get yourself hit by a truck so you don’t have to deal with it!

Terri, in wistful voice, watching her teenage son: I’m gonna miss that dork when he’s gone.

Grace: *sings* I am like a water balloon, jiggly and bloated…

Grace, dumping water over someone’s head: “I baptize you in the name of the Son... and the Father...... and whoever you want!

Dale: When things repeat like that in Bible—or in our lives!—we should pay attention because something’s probably happening there.
Bea: Glitch in the Matrix.

Congregation: *sings* While I was singing, somebody touched me...
Cortney and Ashley: *creepily reach over and touch each other*

Ashley: Jess was REALLY into Asian men. She thought they were gorgeous. Turns out she HATES chest hair. Body hair is to her anathema.
Jen: So she chose a good demographic. It was either them or preteens, and we know THEY’RE problematic.

Jen: *sings* Packages, packages, barely even human!

*Ashley is playing with a stuffed animal with no arms*
Ashley, in high-pitched voice: I don’t have arms. It is a significant problem in my life.
Jen, in high-pitched voice: I have never brushed my teeth.

Mom: What? You don’t want to occupy the same space as me?
Ashley: I don’t think it’s physically possible.
Mom: It is if you live with cats.

Pastor: We’re going to read in unison.
Ashley: But my mom isn’t here! Eunice OUT!

Natasha: I don’t like kids.
Brian: But you were once a kid.
Natasha: Yeah, ONCE.
Grace: SO WAS HITLER.

Dale: And what’s the relationship between humans and animals?
Ashley: God put humans in charge of them.
Dale: So we just do whatever we want with them?
Emily: No, we have to protect them, protect the environment.
Noah: That’s turned out real well.

Ashley, pointing to an icing design: Is that a butterfly or a flower?
Dad: I have no idea. But it’s chocolate cake and I’m gonna eat it.

Mom, on the cake flavors: I’m not a big maple fan.
Ashley: Don’t like Canadians?
Mom: I never said that!
Ashley: At least it apologizes if you don’t like that taste.

Jess on job offers with low salaries: THEY might be a nonprofit, but I’M not.

Jun. 17th, 2017

squee

Quoteboard! With lots of help from a youth missions trip...

Ashley: I want to buy a stuffed deer head.
Mom: O_o Why??
Ashley: Because I’m going to name him Leonard and dress him up seasonally.
Mom: But where are you going to PUT it??
Ashley: On a wall!
Mom: Where?
Ashley: In my own place!
Mom: You don’t have your own place!
Ashley: I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FUTURE. WHEN I HAVE MY OWN PLACE.
Mom: Okay.
Ashley: AND A STUFFED DEER HEAD NAMED LEONARD.


Mom, pointing to a dish of leftovers: What’s that?
Dad: Pork. There’s two more left.
Ashley: Two more porks.


*We go to a restaurant for Easter dinner. We have a 12:30 reservation. The party ahead of us won’t leave, to the consternation of our very apologetic waiter*
Waiter: Hallelujah, they’re getting up!
Dad, laughing: Hallelujah?
Ashley: THEY ARE RISEN INDEED.


Student, hanging up a paper clip garland: ART!
Ashley: I think you should always announce your artistic endeavours by shouting, “ART!”


Student 1: How was your Easter?
Student 2: Pretty good. But my mom said that this is my last Easter.
Student 1: SHE’S GONNA KILL YOU??


Student: If you die in Canada, do you die in real life?


*A student is face-timing with a relative in India*
Student 2: Does she speak English? Hola!
*All the students laugh*
Student 3: That’s HAWAII!


Student: I would make a great male stripper. I just got to get in shape.
Ashley: OH MY GOD.
Student 2: THE TEACHER HEARD YOU!!


*On Isaiah 53:2B: He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.*
Mom: So Jesus probably wasn’t particularly handsome.
Mom: …Now, he IS talking about Jesus on the cross.
Mom: Nobody’s at their best.


Student: Shut up! That's racist! Toward smurfs!


Student: Don't you DARE kill Gary.


Teacher: Don’t you listen to the words I’m saying when I’m teaching? I feel like Charlie Brown. You ever seen Charlie Brown?
Student: Mwa wa wa wa wa.
Teacher: Exactly.


Chrissy, on Facebook, quoting InternetHippo on Twitter: "Please call your congressman! He won't care about your opinion because he works for big money donors but you can tell him to eat shit."


Carrie Ann, on Facebook: That face you make when one of your students emails you to ask how they find sources for their final paper (worth a quarter of their grade) the evening before it's due. I can't even.
Dave: Just send them this image back as a reply



Becca, on Facebook: So, I allowed my students to name our class lizards, and they named one Donald Trump. Today in class, Donald Trump tried to kill one of the other lizards, so we had to put him in solitary confinement. Which caused the class to fall into an argument about the death penalty, and then about the difference between fact and opinion, and my poor little second graders are having existential melt downs left and right.
We're just going to color this afternoon.


Becca, on Facebook: We have a set of poems that we're supposed to use for a unit starting tomorrow, but they all drive me absolutely nuts. I think most of them are terribly dated, not age appropriate, and ridiculous for struggling readers, let alone ELs. The closest one to my content says something along the lines of "if nobody marries me, and they won't because I'm not pretty, then I'll just keep a squirrel in a cage and buy a pony and an orphan child."


Student 1: I have six toes on each foot!
Student 2: And you’re still missing a brain.
Student 1: …
Student 1: That was mean.
Ashley: That was HILARIOUS.


Student: You’re talking like a walking Trump supporter!


Kara and Kelsey are looking at dress types
Kara: Not THAT. That word makes me think of horses.
Ashley: What, “halter”?
Kara: No, “sheath.”


Kelsey: Look! They’re like bellbottoms for your arms!
Kara: We suck at this ‘girl’ thing.


Ashley: God just doesn’t want any of those people to be our pastor.
Bea: Well, that’s nice, because I feel like we’re on Tinder and everyone keeps swiping left.


Student 1: *comes in, sees the tables have been moved* WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??
Student 2: The tables have turned.


Jen: *makes dolphin noises* What’s that, Flipper? Timmy’s in the vortex?


Ashley: I AM GOING TO COMMIT HARAKIRI.
Callie C: You could just commit sudoku and become a numbers puzzle.


Callie C: Always wear pants. I learned that the hard way.


Patti: When Jesus is being taken up into heaven, some doubted!
April: They’re looking for the wires attached to his head.


Tim: The only gun I would keep would be the one that belonged to my dad.
Jen: What about the one *I* gave you?!
Tim: No, I fell on it that time I was running from that guy in West Virginia. Busted it all up.
Everyone else: …?
Jen: That the time you went hunting and came back without your mustache and beard?
Tim: Yeah.
Everyone else: …?!


Student 1: I’m beating you, James!
James: I know not of this James! It’s Greencoat now!


Student 1: “One” means, like, “you.” Like, you are the one.
Ashley: YOU ARE THE ONE.
Student 2: *batman voice* I AM THE LAW.


Anna: I like your boots. They’re like a cross between moccasins and boots.
Ashley: Minnehahas?
Anna: Minibootboots.


Aimee: Don’t be such a sleeve-cheese.


Sarah: I named the creepy little Beanie Babies. I named one of them The Folly of Man and the other one Perdition.


Student, singing to the McDonald’s tune: "Da da da da da, that’s copyrighted."


Student 1: Is she judging me?
Student 2: EVERYONE’S judging you. Just silently.


Michelle: So I called the woman up, and I really told her off. For like five minutes, I gave her a piece of my mind. And then she goes, “You’ve got the wrong number.” And I said, “Look, I found your number in my husband’s phone!”
*pregnant pause*
Michelle’s daughter: IT WASN’T ANOTHER WOMAN.


Ashley: Yo.
Mom: Ho ho.


Dr. Mills, on the stoning of Stephen: It got the point where the Sanhedrin were covering their ears and going, “La la la la la la--!”
Bea: Probably more like, “Oy oy oy oy oy oy--!”


Sam: *pray out loud* *long pause* …So, this was improvised. …My bad. …In Jesus’ name, amen.


Grace, in a voice of disgust: *GOD!* …Is so good! In my life!


Grace: I have the capacity to be intense, I just don’t.


Mom: The one with the head shaped like an explosion in a pickle factory?


Chris, on the son “57 Ginger-Headed Sailors”: If the ship went down, would they say there were no souls lost?


Grace, pointing to the tape over the webcam on her laptop: Can’t trust the government.


Ashley: I need to go take care of my friend’s cat. Feed her, change the litter…
Amy: You need to go do your cat duty.
Ashley: Literally! Cat DOOTY!
Amy: LITTERally!


Natasha, pointing to Masonic bumper sticker: Look! Illuminati! I hope they’re not going to Sweet Frog!
Grace: No. Sweet Frog is a place of God.


Dr. Mills: We don’t talk about God’s commitment to us. We talk about how I need to be committed— Well, I DO need to be committed, sometimes…


Dr. Mills: People think I’m too small to play football, but you can trip anybody if you’re down far enough.


Quinton: The world is my drumset.


Quinton: Come on, you love him.
Sam: I acknowledge that he exists.


Dad: Cat, I turned that on so it would blow on me, not on your butt!


Grace: We didn’t know until the last minute that we were gonna lead worship, so that was a nice, refreshing…
Emily: Heart attack.


*Emily’s in a giraffe onesie*
Phillip: Nice pajamas.
Emily: You’re welcome.


Phillip, 12 years old, on the skits we were performing: There’s a part where I’m about to shoot myself. …My mom wouldn’t like that.
Ashley: Well, you’re also getting crucified, so…


Natasha, watching Criminal Minds: Arizona has the highest abduction rate in the United States!
Grace: Well, yeah, that’s where Area 51 is!


Grace: Tengo Jesus en mi bolsa.


Abby: Duck, duck, duck, duck…
Natasha: The anxiety of my childhood wrapped up in one game…


Grace: Kill it!
Ashley: *Kills the spider* It’s dead.
Grace: *sings* Bless the Lord, oh my soul…


Natasha, on a guy called Turtle: Is that his actual name, or do they call him that because he looks like a turtle?


Natasha: Yes, I’m encouraging her to strip in front of everybody.
Ashley: “What did you learn on your missions trip?” “Exhibitionism.”


Ashley: Grace, you need to put down your shopping bag before you crucify Jesus.


Emily: The old guy who pulled out his harmonica and started playing… And he had a pelt on his wheelchair—so he was the coolest old guy I’ve ever seen.


Grace: Phillip, you wombat!


Dale: When you told me you had a hole in the crotch of your pants, I said, “It’s not real noticeable. Don’t make it noticeable.”
(Note: He made it noticeable.)


Phillip: Don’t worry. I’ll be there to catch you! I’ll break your fall and you’ll break my back!


Emily practices French by setting Siri to French and talking to her.
Emily: That’s the only person I know who speaks French: Siri.


Caleb: If I were going to eat any cat, it would be Sam’s cat.


Ashley, to Emily, who is obsessed with Josef Stalin: Emily! In Soviet Russia, Stalin obsessed with YOU! …No, is not good thing! Stop smiling!


Natasha: She said, I don’t have time for you! I’m going to find Will!
Grace: Where there’s a Will, there’s a way!


Grace, singing to the tune of “We Will Rock You”: Can’t stand your voice, can’t stand your face,
You come over here, I’m gonna give you some Grace!
…You’re so stupid, you’re so dumb,
You can’t even tell me how many thumbs
A cat has!


Natasha, reading a sign: “Your youth leader’s not your mom.”
Abby: MINE IS!


Natasha: Cordell threw Jesus under the bus!


Natasha is holding Dale’s ladder
Caleb: You can’t let him die! He’s your breadwinner!


Abby is covered in little green burrs
Ashley: You look like a Dippin Dotz!


Grace: I don’t need your attitude.
Ashley: It’s a package deal.
Sam: Can we return it?


Caleb: Last night I told Cordell to take off his shirt and he did and I threw a quarter at him and said, “I’m making it hail!”


The Other Caleb: Calebs hold ladders and are carried on the shoulders of others.


Grace: Caleb, you should put that on your resume.
Caleb: “Can become a hot dog bun if required.”


Caleb: Phillip, can you give me an estimate of how many people die in your imagination per minute?


Caleb: Anything sounds satanic in this voice. *groan-chants* Put the macaroni in the pot…


Grace and Emily sing to the tune of Amazing Grace: Dank memes, dank memes, dank memes, dank memes…
Pepe the Frog and Doge the Dog,
Here come dat boy, dank memes…



Phillip, holding the two chess queens: Enemies: they were sisters…


Counselor: Drink, don’t think!


Phillip: *does a deep-throated sigh*
Ashley: You okay?
Phillip, in deep-throated voice: Yes.


Phillip has been laughing uproariously: *holds his sides* Oh, my intestines!


Jason: Your toughest moment?
Jimmy, indicating Emily: She ran out of Netflix.


Natasha: I can’t do art. I can do abstract art, though. Because you don’t have to be a good artist to do abstract art.
Ashley: The abstract artists would disagree with you.
Natasha: That’s because they think abstract art is good.


*We’ve been working in the shade, but the shade is disappearing. The sunlight touches Caleb’s arm*
Caleb: *hisses like a vampire*


Coming down the hill in the dark
Ashley: You need a light?
Caleb: No, I’m good. I live most of my life in the dark.

Jun. 5th, 2017

aslan

Youth pastor progress

So last night was my first night teaching as the summer youth pastor. Some background, I was surprised and doubtful when I was first asked to be the summer youth pastor, but then I realized I was probably a good choice: I'm good at teaching, I like it, I'm a relatively good role model, I like working with teenagers (generally), I don't have summer commitments (since I still don't have a full-time job), I need work, I already have the requisite clearances to work with minors, I know a good bit about my religion, I already work with the youth group as a chaperone on the annual Missions Road Trip (MRT). So I accepted the job.

My first official day on the job was Monday, but Wednesday night we just had the end-of-school bash, so I didn't actually have to teach, and on Sunday morning we just had small-group discussions (on questions I formulated) during our monthly hot breakfast. But last night was actual teaching.

The Sunday night meeting is for Divers, which is for teens to dig deeper into Christianity. This summer, by popular demand from teens (and my own interest in the subject) I'm doing a series on world religions. So last night I started off with Christianity, focusing on the three major branches of the religion: Orthodox, Catholic, and Protestant.

It was a lot of information to get through (the powerpoint is here, if you want to see!), and I know the two girls who came felt a little overwhelmed with info at the end, but I also feel like they got the general idea, and I managed to get through the whole thing in like 40 minutes (I talk fast).

The best part of the evening, though, was after the powerpoint, when we just started chatting about Christianity. Girl 1, whose dad is ordained, was telling me about this book that her dad read by a scientist who is also a Christian, arguing that science and Christianity aren't actually in conflict. I agreed with that position, and we talked about how you can take the 7-day creation story metaphorically rather than literally, how people in the Old Testament had a different understanding of the form of the universe, etc. Girl 2 suggested that more people might be interested in Christianity if they knew that it didn't necessarily contradict science.

Then Girl 2 was talking about Purgatory (which we had discussed during the Catholic section of the powerpoint) and was saying, What if Purgatory's real? Which quickly turned into, How do we know that Christianity is right? What if we die and find out the Muslims were right instead, or something?

I am an "input" person: I gather information, store it, and LOVE to find opportunities to share it with others. So I was immediately like, "I actually have an answer for that: a historically-based argument that Christianity is true." I used an argument from No God but One by nabeel qureshi (super recommend it if you haven't read it). Qureshi says that Christianity stands or falls on three facts: Christ lived, he died, he was raised from the dead. Qureshi points out that basically all good historians agree that Christ lived and was killed, and most of them agree that his closest followers definitely believed he had risen from the dead. I supported this last one with C. S. Lewis's trilemma: someone who says that something impossible has happened, like somebody has risen from the dead, is either crazy/deluded, lying, or telling the truth. Five hundred people claimed to have seen Christ after his resurrection. They were NOT expecting him to rise from the dead, and only understood later than this had been subtly foretold. So it's unlikely to be a temporary delusion. The disciples were intelligent people who made great theological arguments in their writings, so it's highly unlikely they were crazy. And Qureshi points out that liars make poor martyrs: who in their right mind would claim someone had risen from the dead if they knew they were going to get killed in HORRIBLE WAYS for saying so (as, in fact, tradition holds they all were). So it is most likely that they were telling the truth, and therefore, Christianity stands up to historical scrutiny.

I asked Girl 2 if that helped, and she was like, "Yes. I feel SO much better."

We ended up on other discussions too, like whether it was the Holy Spirit or another person of the Trinity who spoke to people in the Bible, what Biblical angels actually look like (answer: pretty freaky) (also the girls suggested we should make Valentines with REAL cherubs on them, with millions of eyes and tongues of flame, and I was like, PLEASE DO THAT'S AWESOME), etc. Girl 2 also asked what God was doing before He made the world, and while we agreed that we couldn't understand the answer, since God is eternal, I also pointed out that He could have hung out with the angels, and before that, He could have hung out with Himself, since God is three persons. She seemed to like that answer.

As we were leaving, Girl 2 was like, "I'm so glad i can ask you these things! The last summer youth pastor would just answer with all these big words and fire and brimstone, and one before that never knew the answers!" And I was like, "ASK ME ALL THE QUESTIONS I LOVE TO ANSWER THEM!"

So now I am really excited about what this summer's going to bring and what I can teach these kids!

PS: Girl 2's mom posted on Facebook this morning: "Ashley, I heard EXTREMELY positive feedback from [girl 2] tonight on the new Sunday evening "Diver's" study 😚👍🤛🙏🏻😇 Keep up the awesome work!!!!!!! #yourock 😘 "

Eeeeee!

Apr. 1st, 2017

badfic quote

(no subject)

My dad recently assumed that because I hadn't updated the quoteboard since December, that it was no longer active.

FEAR NOT!

Katie, looking at the ashes left from a chemistry lab: Look, it’s all blackened and dry… Like Jessie’s heart.
Jessie: When did I give you my heart?!?
Chris: Last Christmas.

Ashley: I can’t get in to see the endocrinologist for THREE MONTHS! I mean, if I was having a heart attack every day, would they make me wait three months to BEGIN figuring out what was wrong with me??!?
Dad: …
Dad: The obvious answer is ‘No,’ but I would hate to commit myself.

*there’s a knock at the apartment door, Jen answers it*
Young woman: Sorry to bother you, but could you zip up my dress?
Jen: Sure! *zips it up*
Young woman: Thank you!
Jen: No problem! *shuts the door*
Aimee: Who was that, your neighbor?
Jen: No idea. Never seen her before.

*Luann falls asleep New Year’s Eve*
Luann: *wakes up* What year is it?!

Luann: Sparky’s nickname should be, “Stop that! Stop it now!”

Jen: Are those my pajama pants?
Callie: They… might be.
Luann: I think the correct answer is, “Not anymore.”
Callie: Mine were dirty.
Jen: How is that my problem?
Callie: I mean, you weren’t here to defend them.

Student: In my day, we didn’t HAVE children!!

Student: What book are you reading?
Ashley: The Arsenic Century.
Student: YOU MEAN THEY JUST SET FIRE TO THINGS ALL THE TIME??

Student: I have sleep amnesia.
Ashley: Do you mean sleep apnea?
Student: No… What’s it called when you can’t fall asleep at night?
Ashley: Insomnia.
Student: Wait, no. What’s it called when you just fall asleep all the time?
Ashley: Narcolepsy.
Student: I have narcolepsy!

*students won’t stop talking*
Student 1: Can you be our regular teacher?
Ashley: *bellows at the class* QUIET!!
*a silence falls*
Student 1: …Or maybe not.

Counselor: Every time a good woman swears, a badass angel gets its wings.

Roger: I often pray that God would bring justice. And then I remember that his idea of justice and mine are very different. Mine usually involves a lot more revenge.
Bea: I just want you all to know, I’ve been married to Roger for thirty years, and I’ve never seen him take revenge.
Ashley: That’s ’cause he’s good at it.

Ashley: Why do you have to take antibiotics before you go to the dentist?
Mom: Because I had a knee replacement.
Ashley: ...

Ashley: Well, I've had an exciting morning.
Ashley: There's nothing like expecting the mattress delivery guys to arrive in the afternoon, and then being awoken before 7 by them saying they'll be there in 15 minutes...
Jen: That’s grounds for murder in at least 6 states.

Dad: I cleaned out your laptop keyboard. And you know what it was full of?
Ashley: Crumbs?
Dad: GLITTER.

Ashley: My grandpa used to say green was his favorite color, but he couldn’t tell the difference between green and blue.
Callie: My mom can’t tell the difference between purple and brown.
Jen: …
Jen: You know what I CAN tell the difference between? Feeding my daughter and leaving her out in the cold to starve.
Callie: Good point.

*Anna eats a cherry off of her milkshake*
Jen: Now you have to tie the stem in a knot with your tongue.
Anna: *begins tying it with her hands*
Jen: No, your tongue! Your tongue!
Callie: She’s doing it with her hand-tongues.

Luann: Pink yarn’s gonna be illegal soon.
Ashley: Have to learn to dye our own.
Luann: In the blood of our enemies.

Counselor: Talking to you is like watching a TV show and one of those little trivia bubbles pops up at the bottom, like, “Did you know…?”

Student: Can I go play basketball in the gym?
Me: No.
Student: Aw, man! This is SUCH a DEMOCRACY!
Student 2: I think you mean dictatorship…?

Jess: Efficiency, thy name is Susan.

Pastor Mills, trying to get us to sit down after the greeting: Welcome back!
Ashley: Good luck!
Pastor Mills, laughing: Welcome back!
Pastor Mills’ wife: I’m not done yet!!

*We sing some old traditional/children’s songs during worship*
Pastor Mills: I haven’t sung THOSE songs in a few weeks…
Devona, the children’s pastor: I have!

Pastor Mills, reading us a story: “So we bought 8000 Krispy Kreme donuts.” I think that’s a pretty good description of Heaven.

Cashier: Have a good day! Enjoy the… *gestures to the snow outside* …filth.

Ashley: I found out that I not only clench my teeth in my sleep, I do it as soon as I lay down in bed. Something about the angle of my head on the pillow.
Dad: You’ll just have to take off your head at night and put it in a jar by your bed.
Ashley: … O_o

Mom: Gracie [the cat] just looks so much better.
Ashley: Her coat is even brighter!
Mom: Yes! The white is so white, and the black is so black…
Ashley: And the snozzberries taste like snozzberries!

Dad: We’re having chicken patties and turkey soup. Mom cooked two birds with one stove!
Ashley: *facepalms*

Student 1: Yes, you do!
Student 2: No, you don’t!
Student 1: Yes, you do!
Student 2: No, you don’t! I don’t know how it was for you in the OLDEN DAYS, but—

Student: I mean, if I have kids one day, and something happens to my husband, IE, I kill him for cheating on me…

Student: I don’t like her. Her hair makes me angry.

Me: …Are you making confetti?
Student: I’ve been going through some things.

Amy: For the ladies’ retreat, please bring an item from your home that you don’t really need or want, but you haven’t had the will to throw it out yet.
Tracey: I thought we were supposed to leave our husbands at home?

One male Spanish student to another: Calvin, my friendarino potato!

Jen: The last bite of toast is always the saddest.

*Three students are working on a group project. One person is in her costume for Fiddler on the Roof*
Student: It’s like, a fake Jewish person, a real Jewish person, and Cassidy.

Student, lugubriously: Look, I don’t feel well. I don’t even WANT to dress up like a Jew today.

Student: [Teacher] has a hard time writing like a normal person, because all she ever writes is cursive.

Mary Alice: I need a scripture for the bulletin for Faith Promise Sunday.
Bea: Give till it hurts! Delusions 2:1!
Ashley: *laughing* Delusions 2:1!
Bea: Excuse me. SECOND Delusions.

Ashley: Jesus is the BEST stalker.

Terri: He could smack me and I couldn’t see it coming. That’s my blind spot.
Bea: Honey, we’re in church. That’s called ‘laying on of hands.’

Bea: She keeps going places without her oxygen. She’s got the oxygen tubes over her ears, and then hearing aids in both ears, and then her glasses over that… So clearly the first thing to give up in this situation is breathing.

Bea: Any more acts of generosity?
Tina: I didn’t smack that [annoying receptionist] woman today.
Ashley: That’s VERY generous.
Tina: I couldn’t reach her.

Patti: They named her ‘Karma’ when she was a kitten so they could say, “Good Karma!” “Bad Karma!”

Teacher 1: I don’t tolerate profanity.
Teacher 2: Well, that’s a f*cking shame.

Jen: The spirit is willing, but the workload is butts.

Mom: I tried putting Mitzi’s food in an egg carton so she’d have to fish it out, but she doesn’t seem interested.
Ashley: Well, why bother to do that when she’s got her bowl right there?
Mom: I know. But I thought she’d think it was fun!
Ashley: FUN? Mitzi is above FUN. …Think Cruella de Vil with a little less sadism, and that’s Mitzi.

Student 1: Dystopia is like, it couldn’t get any worse. Like robo Nazi space bears!
Student 2: Why robo Nazi space bears?
Student1: Well, YOU took robo atheist space bears.
Student 2: No, it’s racist space bears.
Student 1: What does that look like?
Student 2: The black bears and the brown bears hate each other.
Student 1: Black bear lives matter!
Student 2: If the bears don’t sacrifice Christopher Robin, Yogi will rise from the earth! The unfaithful bears will be swallowed into bear hell!

Student 3: Why is it bears?
Student 2: Because it’s unbearable.

Written on board in student writing in big outline for “Zombie survival for dumbies”: No gunhit them with a stick while crying FU

Student 1: WE ARE NOT EATING PEOPLE!
Student 2: They’re a very sustainable food source!
Student 1: I am severing from this group before you resort to cannibalism.

Student 1: What is the first rule of the zombie apocalypse?
Group of students: Don’t get bit.
Student 2: Don’t talk about the zombie apocalypse.

Student 1: What is Persephone the goddess of?
Teacher: The dead.
Student 2: The underworld.
Student 1: No, she said the dead!
Teacher: It’s both.
Student 2: See? I READ PERCY JACKSON. FIGHT ME.

Bea: We go from these stories about people who preach, and do miracles, and get stoned… I mean, WERE stoned—

Bea: I didn’t come to the Lord because I was afraid of hell, but because I wanted Him in my life!
Ed: I dunno, I was scared of hell.
Patti: Whatever works, Ed.

Woman 1: Bluebird. Who’s Bluebird?
Woman 2: Nobody. I’m Sweet Tart.

Dec. 19th, 2016

book sandwich

Long since time for QUOTEBOOOOOAAAARD!!!

Student, on ChooseMyPlate.gov: I don’t let websites tell me how to feel about myself.


Same student, on ChooseMyPlate.gov: This thing assumes we’re healthy. It really makes me mad.


High school girl to her friends, completely deadpan: Here come the elite athletes in the school. We are blessed.


Student 1: Was “That Seventies Show” actually from the seventies?
Student 2: I don’t know.
Student 3: I don’t think so. I don’t think Ashton Kutcher lived back then.
All: [laughing] Oh, yeah.


Student: He has a laugh that sounds like a Windex bottle. “Kh-kh-kh-kh!”


[Student interrogates me about how I’m not using my advanced degree]
Student: So you did all that school for NOTHING?!
Me: [loftily] Education is its own reward.
Entire class: PPFFFFFFFFFFT


Old high school Spanish teacher: So how many years did you study for your PhD? Like, from your freshman year of college.
Me, calculating: Ten and a half.
Teacher: Ten and a half. WOW. …So you must be nearing thirty now, huh?
Me: …Yes. Thank you.


Student: I can’t really write in the school environment.
Me: Is it the noise? Do you want to go out in the hall?
Student: No. It’s the walls.


Student, doing Spanish homework: What’s “huevos” mean?
Me: Eggs. Like “ovos”.
Student: WHO HATES EGGS?
Later:
Student: Oh. It’s Maria. ‘Maria hates eggs.’ What’s wrong with her??


Student: I hate when I have nothing to do. Or when I have something to do but I don’t want to do it.


Student: Zac Efron? Woo! Who wouldn’t?


Student: What is up with you and your phone of late?


Student 1: It’s going to rain. And have you seen how much the ponchos cost at the stadium??
Student 2: Then bring your own.
Student 1: You can’t. Because it’s a weapon. Because I’m definitely going to suffocate someone with my poncho.


Student: Who are you dollin’ up for?


Jess: Huh! I think I just figured something out! …But I don’t know what.


Pastor: It sounds like our political system today. I don’t know what to tell you about that mess.
Parishoner: Amen.


Jess: I only had two good meals when I was in Ireland. One was a pizza. The other one was a burger from the Hard Rock Café. I mean, in Ireland they put, like, sage in their burgers! If I want to eat potpourri, I will.


Jess: I always thought the Magic School Bus sounded like a drug. “Climb on the Magic School Bus!” Like, *stoner voice* I’m takin’ the bus, man.


Ty: My favorite pushups are clapping pushups.
Tom: My favorite pushups are ones other people do.
*Ashley and Tom slap high five*


Ty: the only thing I like from the movie [Princess Bride] is, *Spanish accent* My name is Antonio Banderas.


*People notice that Jess is taking silly photos*
Jess: Someone left their phone unattended.
Derek: IS THAT MY PHONE??
Jess: This is the price you pay.


Ty: Sugar-free, low calories.
Ketra: THEN WHAT’S THE POINT??


Wedding officiant: The ring is made of precious material to remind you how precious your love is.
Ashley: *whispers* Prrrrecccciousssss


Teacher: What is the rite of passage in our culture? What makes you an adult?
Student: You turn eighteen.
Teacher: Exactly. You have to achieve eighteenness.


(Mom, two weeks from retirement, walks in the door.)
Ashley: How was your day?
Mom: NINE MORE DAYS!


End of a Slate article on who is likely to win the election: We’ll keep updating until the election. Be sure to check slate.com/forecast when you want the single number that most accurately reflects the expert consensus on an unverifiable probabilistic calculation!


Student: His whole life is slow. He drives slow, he brains slow…


Student: I think the PSATs killed 6 out of the 7 brain cells I had.


Author: My mother had a cow. In fact, she dang near had a whole herd.


Random girl: *is passing on a bicycle*
Ashley: *makes friendly eye contact*
Random girl on bicycle: THIS SUCKS!!
Ashley: Aw!
Random girl on bicycle, as she rides away: AUUUUGGGHHH!!!


Teenager on phone: Hang on, I can’t hear you. There’s a lot of crying going on here.


Dad: Every time you said “serial killer,” I thought of Cap’n Crunch splayed out dead on the floor.


Teacher: Mac!
Mac: Here.
Teacher: Mary!
Mary: Here.
Teacher: Evan!
Evan: *Chewbacca noise*


Student: I’ve got homework for frigonometry.


Mom’s student, in a retirement card: Now that you’re retired, you can play tag with your husband.


*Anna’s car takes two hours at the shop*
Jen: Poor Anna’s like, “They said it would only take a half hour!” And I was like, “But they didn’t says WHICH half hour.”


Jen: Dan was with Callie at the hospital, and I was trying to find out if they’d given her a bolus, and he told me they had given her an Ebola injection. That’s when I told him to give the phone to Callie.
Ashley: I love that the person who was drugged up knew what was going on better than the guy who was sober…


Callie: Why did that camera just breathe on me?


At the Halloween party:
Dementor: I'm sucking out your soul!
Jen, as the Sorting Hat: I have no soul! I'm a hat--AND a ginger!


Anna: You should have been here the other night. Callie had a great one for the quoteboard. The cat got up on the shelf with my Charles Dickens collection, and Callie went, “A Tale of Two Kitties!”
Ashley: Well, that cat IS cute as the Dickens.


Teacher: For any of you who are allergic to pollen, pollen contains… the male reproductive cells of the plant.
*long pause*
Student: So it’s flying sperm, basically.


*Jeremy shows me their partitioned living room*
Jeremy, gesturing to the two armchairs: So over here, we have the *puts on snooty voice* “Oh, the economy, and the politics, and have you read the news?”
Jeremy, gesturing to the couch in front of the TV: And over there we have the “BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY!”


Sally, hosting Bible study: I need to prep food. People want to eat. That’s why they’re coming. That and Jesus.


Jessica, an ESL teacher: I know that spelling is a problem. But, I gave my students a test the other day. And it had a word bank on it. And one of my students asked me, “Do we have to spell the words right?”


Jessica: One of my students did a book report on Robin Hood. Halfway through, Robin Hood ended up on a deserted island with only one friend. …When Little John turned into some guy named Friday, I knew there was a problem.


Sally, ESL teacher: My favorite was the student who wrote about this great American author, Hey Ming Wei.


Joe, med student: Lectures would end, like, “In sum, the body is just a series of tubes. …Idiopathic means we don’t know which tube is causin’ it.


Jessica: The answer to “Can I bring a banjo?” is always yes.
Jeremy: Going to a funeral: “Can I bring a banjo?” “Yes.”
Jessica: Going scuba diving: “Can I bring a banjo?” “Yes.”


Sally, making a phone call: Hi. Would you say that you have a small, medium, or large-sized head?


Charlotte, pointing to my book, which has a bird turning into a man in front of a castle on the front cover: Is it autobiographical?


Sally: Just don’t hit that green post and knock out our internet. If our internet goes out…
Ashley: There’s gonna be a MURDER tonight!
Sally: Yes. We will murder you and then toss your body down the ravine, and no one will ever find you.--Oh, look, the stars are so pretty tonight!


Bible study, playing sardines. There are seven people crammed in a tiny closet.
Jeremy: This would be a terribly awkward time for the Rapture to occur.


Jeremy: And then when everybody else left I realized I was stuck!
Charles: That’s when you need Life Line.
Jeremy: I’VE HIDDEN AND I CAN’T GET OUT!!


Charles: Men don’t HAVE hot flashes!


Sarah: If you’re moronic, you’re only one kind of moron. Byronic, you’re two.


Leah: I try not to have flings. Because I don’t want to ruin men for decent women.


*Sally gets home*
Ashley, gesturing to Sally’s husband Jeremy: You missed the "It Must Be Bunnies" singalong!
Sally: No, I missed THIS "It Must Be Bunnies" singalong. There have been many.


Dad: I figured I could gather up the trash, and you could ride with me, and then we could both go vote.
Mom: Another date to the dump.


Ashley: So I was telling her about how Bob Ross was once a drill sergeant.
Dad: Happy little pushups.


Dad: That’s a lot of wedding for somebody who only weighs thirty-five pounds.


Mom: It’s something Magi, and it starts with a T.
Me: Three?
Mom: …
Mom: I hadn’t thought of that.


Pastor: I want you to think of something that really irritates the gourd out of you!
Courtney: I have a GOURD in me??

Courtney: Anybody who has a gourd in them must be GOURDGEOUS!


Woman at craft sale: My husband USED to have a Dallas Cowboys shirt, but a bleach bottle fell on it… *laughs wickedly*


Dad: Have those green beans even been washed?
Mom: Well, they’re supposed to be ready to prepare, so I assume they have.
Chris: You know what assuming does! …Gives you salmonella.


Dad: *mentions a historical figure from the 20th century*
Me: I don’t know who that is.
Dad: O tempora! O mores!


Student: *walks into the classroom* *sees the usual teacher isn’t there* OH. THANK. GOD.


Grandma: I’ve got to have all this dental work done. I need a bridge and four or five crowns… And I’m getting old—it doesn’t hardly seem worth it! I told the dentist, I’ll have to tell my kids to make sure that when I’m in the casket they prop my mouth open so I can get my money’s worth.


Fifth-graders: *play a piece on their snare drums*
Fifth-grader 1: No, wait—
Fifth-grader 2: We messed up!
Fifth-grader 3: *solemnly* We have failed.


Me, subbing: As you may be able to tell, I’m not Mr. Maag.
Fifth-grader: *laughs* Of course not! ‘Cause he’s a boy and you’re a girl!
Me: Yes. Thank you for noticing.


Student: I’m terrible at English. I love my English teacher, but I hate what he does.


Jen: The bedroom door blew shut in the middle of the night. And it wasn’t a problem, until Binky [the cat] needed to use the john. So she scratched at the door for awhile, and finally she went, “MOWWW!” And my mental permutations went like this: first I thought I had received an email from Binky, only it was in all caps…


Student: You look like somebody. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy?
Me: No?
Student: Well, there’s a girl on Grey’s Anatomy, her name’s “Rebecca” on the show, but her real name’s Eva, and she was in a ferry boat accident and had to have her face reconstructed. You look like her.
Me: Am I the “before” picture or the “after”?


Student: My pants keep falling down! I’m so angravated.


Anna: I’m not wearing my costume in the car, because I have to pump gas, and there are some things I will not do in a Renaissance dress.
Callie: Anna, I know you’re not larping—BUT LARP HARDER!


Jen: After my hysterectomy, for a couple months I just felt like my internal organs were going, “…Where’s Steve?”


Subway employee: A lot of people get mad about tomatoes.


*phone rings in the classroom*
Me: Hello?
Person: AVALON CAN LISTEN TO THE BIRDS?
Me: …?


Student: Do you know what makes me even more uncomfortable than couples kissing in the hallway? Couples hugging for a really long time in the hallway and making eye contact with passersby.


Bea: She uses her oven to store her sweaters.


Bea: What color of paper do you want?
Ashley: White.
Bea: *whispers* Paper racist.


Bea: It is the Christmas Aardvark! As legend has foretold!!


Dr. Mills: When I was in seminary, I told God what I would not do. That was a stupid idea… I told him I wouldn’t lead a district Impact team. I told him I wouldn’t be a youth pastor. And I told him I wouldn’t pastor a church in New England. Well, my first job out of seminary, they asked me to lead a district Impact team. I led five teams in two different districts. I was a youth pastor at three different churches. And for twenty years, I pastored a church in New England. …Finally, I figured out how this worked. And I told God I would not pastor a church in Hawaii.


Me: Bless you.
Mom: You’re welcome.


Dad: She had to take seventeen doses of Miralax.
Ashley: She needs to see a doctor!
Dad: She IS seeing a doctor.
Ashley: She needs to see a doctor a little harder!


Diane and her friend Magali are trolling people about being lesbian lovers.
Magali: We could get married!
Diane: Well, I’d need to see first what it would do to my financial assistance. Because I’m perfectly okay with living in sin if it doesn’t hurt my financial aid.


Roger, in Christmas-themed Bible study class: What are your favorite carols? THIS is MY favorite Carol. *gestures to classmate Carol M.*


Roger: So Bea’s brain is abnormal but benign.
Ashley: Well, we KNEW that…


Adam: People from Baltimore pronounce it “Balmer.”
Colin: I guess the rest of the word got destroyed in the riots.


Colin: You’re chewing with your cheeks!


Adam: You were making a loud face.


*Kelsey holds baby Eden up in the air overhead*
Barb: I did that with Chris one time. He threw up in my face.


Ashley, arranging Christmas tree branches: Oh, THAT’s why there was a gap! One of the branches hadn’t fallen into place yet!
Ashley: Like an undescended testicle!
Mom: …
Mom: …I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
Ashley: FA LA LA LA LAAAA LA LA LA LA


*Teachers’ lounge*
Custodian: You can sit with us. We don’t bite.
Ashley: Much.
Custodian: Unless you ask.


Ashley: *Prepares to leave the teachers’ lounge* Well, back to the grind.
Custodian: Take a cookie. It’s a lonely walk.


Bea: This little girl said her two favorite things about church were mints and Jesus. In that order. And I was like, “Taste and see that the Lord is MINTY-FRESH!”


Student 1 to student 2: You just want to skip class!
Ashley: Like the rest of you don’t!
Student 3: She knows us too well…

Sep. 25th, 2016

balcony

QUOTEBOARD

Jen: Congress is a bag of dicks.


Bea: You’re just waiting for some man to come and do your bidding.
Ashley: Hey. I’m not sexist. I want ANYONE to come and do my bidding.


Ashley, dotingly: What would our life be like without cats? Very boring.
Mom: Comparatively wealthy.


Jen, introducing her beta fish: This is Betamax, and this is Tadashi, and this one is Napoleon, and that’s Doug.


Ashley: Hmm. “Belindo”. Sounds like the kind of thing you name your child when you want him to murder you in your sleep someday.


Mom: They moved the funeral home.
Chris: Business was dying off.


Juanita: I’m related to my husband five different ways. He says he’s the only person in Jay County I could legally marry.


Juanita: St. Anthony takes care of us.
Mark: Her more than me.
Juanita: You’re not livin’ right.


Bea: We pray for you every week at Bible study. “Lord, please restore Ashley’s sanity.”
Ashley: I think it’s a little late for that.
Bea: “Lord, we know you’re a God of miracles…”


dad was talking about this meeting of evangelical leaders with trump and how many of them left disliking him even more.
Dad: And some of them refused to go.
Mom: Well, I don't blame them for that! 'Have nothing to do with the deeds of darkness.'


*I end up with two straws at dinner*
Anna: Put the other one in, too. Then you’ll have one for each nostril.


Aliyah: There is a baby!!,
Ashley: WOOHOO!
Ashley: any deets?
Aliyah: Facebook tells me that it's a girl baby
Aliyah: I assume that it's small, and also baby-like


Gary: YOU HAVE SUMMONED ME FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL. AND YOUR CURTAINS ARE GODAWFUL.


[Chris is stripping the finish from an old secretary desk]
Chris: I didn’t realize what hot work stripping was!
Ashley: That sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Chris: Yes. Stripping that old secretary in the garage. I’ll put some chemicals on her and leave her overnight.
Ashley: I’ve been watching too much Forensic Files.
Chris: I need to get some mineral spirits.
Ashley: Do minerals HAVE spirits?
Chris: Apparently!
Mom: They’re not very high. But YOU will be if you breathe enough of it!


Diane: I am unfortunately interested in men, and that is a terrible dating pool.


Diane: Tiny houses were made for people like David.


Chris: Anybody that pays attention to Twitter gets what they deserve.


Nancy: I’m fine, having long since recovered from a bad bout of flu that turned into pneumonia back in March. I got sick the second day we were in our crummy new temporary offices in the windowless Woolworth building downtown. And the roof leaked directly into my office while I was out sick, plus my computer pretty much stopped working after being moved. Then the first time I went to the grocery after returning to work, a tree blew down on my car and caught on fire. It was a rough spring!


Tom: Canadian bacon!
Jess: It’s ham. Its round and pink, it’s ham.
Ashley: By that logic, I’M ham.
Tom: You’re round and pink?
Ashley: Yes.
Tom: No you’re not! You’re mostly oblong.


Jen, to her daughter, who was wearing too much glitter: You look like you’ve been mugged by Tinkerbell.


Gary, wearing a fedora: I look like Indiana Jones’s fat brother. Gary Indiana.


Jen: Alright, let’s walk.
Callie, in a wheelchair: This is me, walking.


Callie, showing off her party trick: I AM THE LAMEST X-MAN.


Ashley: The one who brings you presents.
Gary: Krampus?
Ashley: No, Krampus is the one who brings you menstrual pain.


Jen: They had me at “face bidet.”


Mom, after baking: Boy, look at all the dough I’ve got on me!
Ashley: I wish *I* had a lot of dough on me…


Grandma, on Trump: His mouth gets in gear about half an hour before his brain does.


Ashley: I was a good little girl.
Blair: What happened?


April: Did you know Carrie Fisher’s husband left her for Elizabeth Taylor?
Ashley: Really?? …Well, a LOT of men left their wives for Elizabeth Taylor…


Luke 1:18 And Zacharias said to the angel, “How will I be certain of this? For I am an old man and my wife is advanced in age.”
Bea: This is how we know Zacharias is a wise man. He doesn’t call his wife “old.”


Ashley: I’ve been to a few bad psychologists. Like that one who, when I went to her and told her I was depressed, asked me, “Can you think of anything you could do to make yourself feel better?”
Dad: Hard drinking.


[Dressing up people in toilet paper bridal gowns at a wedding shower]
Ashley: I vote we dress up Susan.
Susan: But I have to leave in like fifteen minutes.
Cortney: Then you can be a runaway bride!


Jess, typing on her phone: “Happy birthday, cousin!” There, that’s THAT family obligation taken care of!


Gary: I can’t be Australian and not be eccentric. It’s hard to be Australian and brood.


Gary: They look like a cross between rats and drug dealers.


Christen: So now I’m scared of cacti. I will cross the street to avoid them. The Devil’s plant!


Christen: My cleavage just said, “Hello, sweetie!”


Ashley: But what do I smell like?
Jen: Competence.


Random person: GET IT, JASMINE!


Christen: You talkin’ smack to the king?!


Knights, to Catherine of Aragon: Hail, Your Majesty!
Henry VIII: Hello, Catherine.
Ashley, in a man’s voice: Hi, Cathy.


Ashley, in Bible study: The difference between a PA [physician’s assistant] and an MD [medical doctor] is that a PA actually listens to you.
Half the Bible study group: YES! EXACTLY!


Friend-of-a-friend: Dinner went much better than anticipated, and only one person came without her teeth!


Carrie: You raised us, and we turned out okay. We haven’t been in prison THAT often. The wolves were very impressed with how well trained I was.
Esther: Well, they know me.


*A baby is crying*
Christen: Put food in it. That’s my answer. It might need plugged; I don’t know.


Christen: I would make my consort dress in period costume at all times.
Jen: Make him wear a loincloth and a dubious expression.


Jess: My favorite characters from Voyager were Tupak… No, that wasn’t his name…
Ashley, laughing: Tuvok.
Jess: Yeah. Tuvok and Ch—chipotle?
Ashley: *dies laughing* Tupak and Chipotle!


Dad, regarding Trump: If you ever wondered if Christians would vote for the Devil if he ran as a Republican… the answer is yes.


Ashley: Jen’s kids went to high school with M. Night Shyamalan’s kids.
Mom: …Say that name again?
Ashley: M. Night Shyamalan. S-h-y-a-m-a-l-a-n.
Mom: Ohhh. I was trying to figure out what Emma Knight had to do with Spamalot.


Jess, on visiting Versailles: We saw Marie Antoinette’s cottage on the grounds. Girl was SLUMMIN’.


Overheard high school student: I don’t need you! I’m a strong, independent, happy American male!


Physics student: Oh my God, you CAN blow his pants off!


Student, on experiment outcome: It’s because I have zero percent error. Because I’m perfect.


Student 1: I got a job at Chuck-E-Cheese.
Student 2: Do you get to go into that playground even though you’re not five??


Overheard student: Can I just like, come and take a nap in your closet? Or would that be weird?


Student: I’m gonna rig the election. I’m gonna bring my friends. I’m gonna bring ALL my friends.
Ashley: You’re going to bring three people?
Students: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Student: Yeah, get the foreign exchange student to help you with your English!
Exchange student: But I’m really good at English!
Student: It’s like getting the dyslexic kid to help you with your math!
Ashley: ...


Ashley: Let’s use a tree instead of a creature. A tree doesn’t escape.
Jen: Unless it’s an ent. And then it escapes reeeeeeally slowly.


Jen: I, for one, will welcome our raven overlords.


*Jen removes her things from Gary’s shopping basket*
Gary: It’s like a great weight has been lifted off my forearm…


Jen: Heigh-ho!
Ashley: What did you call me??

Aug. 16th, 2016

aslan

(no subject)

So I've been having a lot of trouble lately understanding why God has been letting things in my life go so crazy for so long, and trouble believing that He cares how I feel about it. But this morning I was reading about Lazarus and Dives, and started thinking about the real Lazarus.

John 11
11 Now a certain man named Lazarus was sick. He was from [a]Bethany, the village where Mary and her sister Martha lived. 2 It was the Mary who anointed the Lord with perfume and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. 3 So the sisters sent word to Him, saying, “Lord, he [our brother and Your friend] whom You love is sick.” 4 When Jesus heard this, He said, “This sickness will not end in death; but [on the contrary it is] for the glory and honor of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it.” 5 Now Jesus loved and was concerned about Martha and her sister and Lazarus [and considered them dear friends]. 6 [b]So [even] when He heard that Lazarus was sick, He stayed in the same place two more days. 7 Then He said to His disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.” 8 The disciples said to Him, “Rabbi (Teacher), the Jews were only recently going to stone You, and You are [thinking of] going back there again?” 9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours [of light] in the day? Anyone who walks in the daytime does not stumble, because he sees [by] the light of this world. 10 But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because there is no light in him.” 11 He said this, and after that said, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him.” 12 The disciples answered, “Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover.” 13 However, Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that He was referring to natural sleep. 14 So then Jesus told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead. 15 And for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” 16 Then Thomas, who was called Didymus (the twin), said to his fellow disciples, “Let us go too, that we may die with Him.”

17 So when Jesus arrived, He found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb [c]four days. 18 Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles away; 19 and many of the Jews had come to see Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning [the loss of] their brother. 20 So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went to meet Him, while Mary remained sitting in the house. 21 Then Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give to You.” 23 Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise [from the dead].” 24 Martha replied, “I know that he will rise [from the dead] in the resurrection on the last day.” 25 Jesus said to her, “[d]I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in (adheres to, trusts in, relies on) Me [as Savior] will live even if he dies; 26 and everyone who lives and believes in Me [as Savior] will never die. Do you believe this?” 27 She said to Him, “Yes, Lord; I have believed and continue to believe that You are the Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed), the Son of God, [e]He who was [destined and promised] to come into the world [and it is for You that the world has waited].”

28 After she had said this, she left and called her sister Mary, privately whispering [to her], “The Teacher is here and is asking for you.” 29 And when she heard this, she got up quickly and went to Him.

30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met Him. 31 So when the Jews who were with her in the house comforting her, saw how quickly Mary got up and left, they followed her, assuming that she was going to the tomb to weep there. 32 When Mary came [to the place] where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her sobbing, and the Jews who had come with her also sobbing, He was [f]deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, 34 and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept. 36 So the Jews were saying, “See how He loved him [as a close friend]!” 37 But some of them said, “Could not this Man, who opened the blind man’s eyes, have kept this man from dying?”

38 So Jesus, again deeply moved within, approached the tomb. It was a cave, and a boulder was lying against it [to cover the entrance]. 39 Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be an offensive odor, for he has been dead four days! [It is hopeless!]” 40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe [in Me], you will see the glory of God [the expression of His excellence]?” 41 So they took away the stone. And Jesus raised His eyes [toward heaven] and said, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 I knew that You always hear Me and listen to Me; but I have said this because of the people standing around, so that they may believe that You have sent Me [and that You have made Me Your representative].” 43 When He had said this, He shouted with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 Out came the man who had been dead, his hands and feet tightly wrapped in burial cloths (linen strips), and with a [burial] cloth wrapped around his face. Jesus said to them, “Unwrap him and release him.”

45 So then, many of the Jews who had come to [be with] Mary and who were eyewitnesses to what Jesus had done, believed in Him. 46 But some of them went back to the Pharisees and told them what Jesus had done.

Conspiracy to Kill Jesus
47 So the chief priests and Pharisees convened a council [of the leaders in Israel], and said, “What are we doing? For this man performs many signs (attesting miracles). 48 If we let Him go on like this, everyone will believe in Him, and the Romans will come and take away both our [holy] place (the temple) and our nation.” 49 But one of them, [g]Caiaphas, who was the high priest that year [the year of Christ’s crucifixion], said to them, “You know nothing at all! 50 Nor do you understand that it is expedient and politically advantageous for you that one man die for the people, and that the whole nation not perish.” 51 Now he did not say this [simply] on his own initiative; but being the high priest that year, he [was unknowingly used by God and] prophesied that Jesus was going to die for the nation, 52 and not only for the nation, but also for the purpose of gathering together into one body the children of God who have been scattered abroad. 53 So from that day on they planned together to kill Him.


This comes at a turning point in Jesus' ministry. He's been doing healing, and he has raised a couple people from the dead, but he did it either privately or far from Jerusalem. This raising of the dead was public, very close to Jerusalem, and allowed his fame to really spread. Jesus COULD have gone and healed Lazarus long before he was dead. He had plenty of time to do that, but he chose to stay where he was: because he needed to show his power to his disciples and to the Jews of Jerusalem through the raising of Lazarus. He needed to wait until it was absolutely impossible--both because he was dead and because his spirit had fled his body after the three-day vigil--to do it. He needed to wait until all hope was gone.

That didn't mean he didn't feel for Mary and Martha's suffering. Jesus was "deeply moved" and wept. He loved Lazarus, and he loved Lazarus's sisters. He knew this was painful for them, and he felt for them. He joined in their grief, even though he knew it wasn't going to last. He had sympathy and love for them, even though he knew the full story and what was going to happen.

Martha still had faith, however. Even when Lazarus was dead, she pointed out to Jesus that he could still do any miracle he wanted. Even so, she was hesitant to claim that miracle. Jesus said that Lazarus would live again, and Martha gave the conventional reply that he would live again at the resurrection of the dead. But Jesus gently points out that he can do something about that resurrection now. Martha was scared to give more than the conventional "everything'll be okay in heaven" answer, to lay claim to things being okay on earth too, but at Jesus' words she DID express her faith in his total power.

When God waits to answer a prayer, it's not because he's forgotten you, or doesn't care, or that his promises are niggardly and only guarantee happiness in the next world, or only apply to groups rather than individuals. When God waits to answer a prayer it's because he's got a plan. Maybe it's not even specifically a plan to help YOU: it might be a plan to help someone else ("for your sake, I am glad I was not there," he says to the disciples). But he's going to take care of it. Even if it looks like he waited too long and everything's ruined forever, even if all hope is gone and has been for awhile. God's got a happy ending planned, in this life as well as the next. You don't have to wait for the resurrection of the dead: Jesus is the resurrection, and we have him right now: the kingdom of God has already arrived on earth. Be bold in praying for blessings now, even if you have to pray for a long time.

Jul. 27th, 2016

balcony

(no subject)

Prednisone is a strange and wonderful drug. Last night I woke up immediately after having a dream in which I was reading a comic strip where a man and woman were talking about their education. The woman said that the girls at their school started learning to read a year earlier than the boys because their domestic education was considered more important than boys' education and also harder to learn, so they had more to get into their schooling.
Woman, annoyed: Yet man sees himself as like unto the stars.
Man, also annoyed: I am an untamed Jungle Creature.
Woman: "It." ITT! [to emphasize than a jungle animal is subhuman] This is why men have created such fascinating works in Narnia and Middle-earth--and why remakes of those worlds generate so much controversy. Man is recreating the world and finding Cain more destructive than he thought.

My brain comes up with some crazy stuff on Prednisone...
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Jul. 13th, 2016

balcony

(no subject)

Had my first appointment with my lyme doc, and I feel SO much better. He said, "WOW, you've got a LOT of Lyme symptoms." When filling out those symptom checklists, I always feel like I want to really check everything that possibility fits, so later I started worrying that I had exaggerated things and they shouldn't count. But he put my mind at rest. He confirmed that my exercise-induced asthma prob was just asthma, but he definitely gave weight to a number of other symptoms that I might have discounted as minor, like my fatigue, my night-sweats, etc. He said I was way too young to be having heart palpitations. When I told him that my depression didn't seem to respond to medication and added "but we've only tried five or six," he was like, "O_o That's... a lot." So that made me feel better, that it's not in my head and this IS a thing. Thus the effects of the medical profession's downplaying of women's symptoms... Yeah.

Anyway, the wide-spectrum western blot has to ship out to CA on Fri, and then it'll be 17-21 business days until we get the results, which cd be positive, borderline, or negative. He says even if it's negative I can come in for the follow-up and he'll put me on 6-8 weeks of the antibiotics and see if I respond to them. I am just SO relieved to have my suspicions taken seriously and to know that we're taking another step toward potential diagnosis and treatment. I REALLY hope it comes back positive, so we know what this is at last...
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May. 15th, 2016

book sandwich

(no subject)

Ashley: I wouldn’t mind being a dad; I just don’t want to be a mom.

Susan: He is a beautiful man. …And he’s a lumberjack, by the way.
Ashley: Is he okay?
Sue and Trish: He’s VERY okay.

Jess: I wanna see if she’s pregnant. …Yep, she’s pregnant! Her boobs are HUGE!

Chris: This is really good bologna. I can smell it from here, and it tastes like licking my living room.

Eunice: I’ve known several people named Omar.
Carrie: Gaddafi.

Carrie: And that one man—Lurch.
Ashley, laughing: Lurch?
Carrie: YOU DIDN’T SEE HIM.

Dad: We gotta go soon. I have to milk the cats.

Jen: I have the best millionaire lifestyle right now. I get up first thing in the morning and take my movantik, and about an hour later I poop. And then I’m set for the day!

Jamey: Will you marry me?
Sarah: Oh my God!
Jamey: Is that a yes?
Sarah: It’s a strong maybe.

*Anna’s reading our story with a monster called a manaha*
Anna: I just got to the bit with the manahmanah.
Jen: I bet they make us change that. To vitiligo. That’s really in right now.

Diane: I managed to get myself on church council. My mom’s like, “I raised you better than this.” I’m like, “This from someone who was president.”

Jen: When I woke up this morning, I found a half-eaten bowl of pita chips in my lap.

Ashley: I can pet two cats at once.
Mom: Mitzi says, “Not if I’m one of them!”

Dad: When I first started working in contracting, I came home after doing my first contracting award and said, “I could get used to spending money!” And [Mom] said, “Not with my checkbook, you don’t!”

Bea: Also, if you hear any rumors about possible death threats toward you that were made at Ladies' Bible Study, it was probably a joke.
Most likely.

Sarah: He was an asshole. If there was a human form of a zit, it would be Marcus.

Sally, on a road trip: This is our fourth state today!
Jeremy: Confusion, despair…

Ashley: I miss you. Who else am I gonna be stupid with?
Jessica: You have other stupid friends, don’t you?

Ashley looking at the design on partner’s shirt: A squirrel with a martini. There has to be a stupid pun in there somewhere.
Partner: “Animal spirits.”
Ashley: I was right!

Mom, playing cribbage: Knobs are good.
Ashley, gesturing: Yessss
Mom: Those are knockers, dear.

Mom, playing cribbage on Vicodin: Twenty-six? How dare you.

Ashley: You’re fun when you’re on Vicodin. You just get the giggles.
Mom, giggling: And sometimes I throw up.

Jen: What did Jesus do that was so special on Christmas?
Friend: He was born!
Jen: How is that special? Do you know anybody who HASN’T done that?!

Jen: Turns out I don’t need to avoid sugar. I just have to have protein with it.
Ashley: So you just have to have a burger with your candy.
Jen: That’s right—a piece of gum and a meatball, like normal people.

Luann, on the “Aquatic Ape Theory”: It’s an interesting theory. I don’t know if it holds water.

Mom: I’ve invited at least three dead people to like your page.

Ashley: Are you okay?
Jen: Yeah. Surprise yoga is the best kind.

Jen, starting a regency romance: Well, her name is Lydia Dare, so I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be smut everywhere.

Mark: Find ways to maintain whatever level of sanity you normally operate at.

Mark: I volunteer my services for coming up with weird-ass questions.

Ashley: I can’t wake up.
Dad: I could throw some cats on you.
Ashley: I already tried to get that one to curl up with me.
Dad: No, I meant throwing them on you violently.

Dad: Ashley, could you put on some shoes and come help me with something?
Mom: What makes you think she isn’t wearing shoes?
Dad: Have you MET her?

Pastor Mike, on how the Romans were really good at the whole execution thing: The Romans were really knew what they were doing, Amen?
Congregation: Amen.
Sally: That was an odd thing to "Amen."

*In a discussion of childhood development*
Jess, whispering to her mom: YOU DID THIS TO ME.

Ken: He is a walking party looking for a place to happen, and everyone is invited.

Jess, pointing to “empathy” on her strengthsfinder: I’m glad that’s there. That’s why I’m not a sociopath.

Ken: Whatever you need to do in the next five minutes, go.
Cortney: LET’S ROB A BANK.

Person 1: She has the New England attitude.
Ken: It’s not an attitude. It’s RIGHT.

April: There better be a handicapped sticker in that window!
Ken: Or you’re gonna need one!

Ken: They know where they’re going.
Jess: Straight. To. Hell.

Ken: She was a she-cow from hell.

Jen: I’ll see you tomorrow!
Sarah: …Wait, but… we’re coming home tonight.
Jen: Yes, but you don’t live here.
Sarah: Oh, right.

Sarah: My Adderal is finally kicking in. I tried to tell a story earlier.
Jake: How did that go?
Sarah: It was… non-Euclidian.

Callie: Well also, dicks can be really upsetting sometimes. It’s like this sad sea creature that just flops out to ruin your day.

Michelle: Jake, please explain why centaur babies are problematic.
Jake: So, baby horses can run hours after they’re born. But human babies can’t hold their heads up for weeks. So can you imagine the baby centaur, and the lower half is running around and the human half is just FLOPPING.

Jen, singing to the tune of “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”: Zoey got run over by a carriage…
Ash: Walking home from a date with Natalie... You may say there’s no such thing as magic,
Jen: But somehow I think Zoey would disagree!

Ashley: Herman is here to explain the plot.
Jen: “The things you did not understand I will now make clear to you! Does anyone have a mustache I can twirl?” said Herman, twirling the mustache of the man standing next to him. “MWA HA HA!”

Jen: How he got out of the camp, Faolan never knew—because his writers were too f***ing lazy to write it or figure it out.

Jen: This girl was really nice, but she went to like Strait-Laced University of White People. …I can’t remember her real name, because Aimee nicknamed her Susie Cream-cheese and that’s all I ever remember.

Jen, looking at a menu: Oh, what do I feel like?
Anna squeezes her arm: Soft and squishy.

Ashley: I had a dream last night that I was yelling at small children and shoving them in closets.

Ashley, in reference to the cats: ozzie has taken to mounting rex
rex is like, meh
my parents are appalled
i told them ozzie was exploring his sexuality.
dad's like, HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY WE REMOVED IT

Callie: we have been out of peanut butter for way too long, in a neverending, legume-less dream within my heart.

Bea: Don’t frown at me when you’re God—it makes me nervous!

Bea: We’ll have a meeting later to pray for healing for Ashley’s sense of humor.

Jess, on an Arby’s commercial: I hate how they say that. It sounds like a venereal disease. “We have the meats.”

Jen: Hello, pet poison control hotline? My cat just took my pill.
Hotline: What kind of pill?
Jen: Vitamin D.
Hotline: Okay. How does she look?
Jen: Smug.

Grandma: I dreamed I was working at Jake’s (butcher shop) again. Some lady came in and asked me if the lightbulbs were fresh.

Pres McDavis: Your time here has enriched Ohio University.
*Dr. D starts snickering*

Melody: This mission trip was sponsored by Brio, which was a Christian magazine for teen girls. So each [drama] team was about twenty teenage girls and one token guy, because SOMEBODY has to play Jesus.

Callie: Hey Ashley, you know a lot of weird stuff…
Jamey: She’s got a piece of paper that says so!

Jen: Eggworth, Lord Spherical's butler, began announcing the guests as they arrived. "Lord and Lady Ghastly," he intoned. "The Honorable Miss Unfortuna Ghastly. Sir Westminster Singlenipple. Lord Noodle-Cheese, the Honorable Mr. Monterey Noodle-Cheese, the Honorable Miss Chedda Noodle-Cheese. Miss Drizella Drizzle. Mr. and Mrs. Frumpington-Dowdy. Miss van Dusen, Miss Jubilee van Dusen. Lord Redvine Twizzler...

Jen: What do you suppose a dog in an elevator thinks?

Ashley, flossing teeth, standing on one foot while petting cat with the other: This is what I call multitasking.

Dr. D: It’s a very, very famous book of the kind no one reads.

Dr. D: If I say, “Why did he begin this way?” the correct answer is, “Because he wanted to.”

Librarian: Seen?
Sean: “Shawn”.
Librarian: “Shawn”.
Sean: It’s okay; you can call me Seen.

Librarian: I’m supposed to promote the archives, and I agree, it’s important, and yet I’m bitter.

Librarian: Are there any medievalists?
Mara: We had one, but he left.
Librarian: The medievalist left. Well, you know, they get that way.

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