Katie, looking at the ashes left from a chemistry lab: Look, it’s all blackened and dry… Like Jessie’s heart.
Jessie: When did I give you my heart?!?
Chris: Last Christmas.
Ashley: I can’t get in to see the endocrinologist for THREE MONTHS! I mean, if I was having a heart attack every day, would they make me wait three months to BEGIN figuring out what was wrong with me??!?
Dad: The obvious answer is ‘No,’ but I would hate to commit myself.
*there’s a knock at the apartment door, Jen answers it*
Young woman: Sorry to bother you, but could you zip up my dress?
Jen: Sure! *zips it up*
Young woman: Thank you!
Jen: No problem! *shuts the door*
Aimee: Who was that, your neighbor?
Jen: No idea. Never seen her before.
*Luann falls asleep New Year’s Eve*
Luann: *wakes up* What year is it?!
Luann: Sparky’s nickname should be, “Stop that! Stop it now!”
Jen: Are those my pajama pants?
Callie: They… might be.
Luann: I think the correct answer is, “Not anymore.”
Callie: Mine were dirty.
Jen: How is that my problem?
Callie: I mean, you weren’t here to defend them.
Student: In my day, we didn’t HAVE children!!
Student: What book are you reading?
Ashley: The Arsenic Century.
Student: YOU MEAN THEY JUST SET FIRE TO THINGS ALL THE TIME??
Student: I have sleep amnesia.
Ashley: Do you mean sleep apnea?
Student: No… What’s it called when you can’t fall asleep at night?
Student: Wait, no. What’s it called when you just fall asleep all the time?
Student: I have narcolepsy!
*students won’t stop talking*
Student 1: Can you be our regular teacher?
Ashley: *bellows at the class* QUIET!!
*a silence falls*
Student 1: …Or maybe not.
Counselor: Every time a good woman swears, a badass angel gets its wings.
Roger: I often pray that God would bring justice. And then I remember that his idea of justice and mine are very different. Mine usually involves a lot more revenge.
Bea: I just want you all to know, I’ve been married to Roger for thirty years, and I’ve never seen him take revenge.
Ashley: That’s ’cause he’s good at it.
Ashley: Why do you have to take antibiotics before you go to the dentist?
Mom: Because I had a knee replacement.
Ashley: Well, I've had an exciting morning.
Ashley: There's nothing like expecting the mattress delivery guys to arrive in the afternoon, and then being awoken before 7 by them saying they'll be there in 15 minutes...
Jen: That’s grounds for murder in at least 6 states.
Dad: I cleaned out your laptop keyboard. And you know what it was full of?
Ashley: My grandpa used to say green was his favorite color, but he couldn’t tell the difference between green and blue.
Callie: My mom can’t tell the difference between purple and brown.
Jen: You know what I CAN tell the difference between? Feeding my daughter and leaving her out in the cold to starve.
Callie: Good point.
*Anna eats a cherry off of her milkshake*
Jen: Now you have to tie the stem in a knot with your tongue.
Anna: *begins tying it with her hands*
Jen: No, your tongue! Your tongue!
Callie: She’s doing it with her hand-tongues.
Luann: Pink yarn’s gonna be illegal soon.
Ashley: Have to learn to dye our own.
Luann: In the blood of our enemies.
Counselor: Talking to you is like watching a TV show and one of those little trivia bubbles pops up at the bottom, like, “Did you know…?”
Student: Can I go play basketball in the gym?
Student: Aw, man! This is SUCH a DEMOCRACY!
Student 2: I think you mean dictatorship…?
Jess: Efficiency, thy name is Susan.
Pastor Mills, trying to get us to sit down after the greeting: Welcome back!
Ashley: Good luck!
Pastor Mills, laughing: Welcome back!
Pastor Mills’ wife: I’m not done yet!!
*We sing some old traditional/children’s songs during worship*
Pastor Mills: I haven’t sung THOSE songs in a few weeks…
Devona, the children’s pastor: I have!
Pastor Mills, reading us a story: “So we bought 8000 Krispy Kreme donuts.” I think that’s a pretty good description of Heaven.
Cashier: Have a good day! Enjoy the… *gestures to the snow outside* …filth.
Ashley: I found out that I not only clench my teeth in my sleep, I do it as soon as I lay down in bed. Something about the angle of my head on the pillow.
Dad: You’ll just have to take off your head at night and put it in a jar by your bed.
Ashley: … O_o
Mom: Gracie [the cat] just looks so much better.
Ashley: Her coat is even brighter!
Mom: Yes! The white is so white, and the black is so black…
Ashley: And the snozzberries taste like snozzberries!
Dad: We’re having chicken patties and turkey soup. Mom cooked two birds with one stove!
Student 1: Yes, you do!
Student 2: No, you don’t!
Student 1: Yes, you do!
Student 2: No, you don’t! I don’t know how it was for you in the OLDEN DAYS, but—
Student: I mean, if I have kids one day, and something happens to my husband, IE, I kill him for cheating on me…
Student: I don’t like her. Her hair makes me angry.
Me: …Are you making confetti?
Student: I’ve been going through some things.
Amy: For the ladies’ retreat, please bring an item from your home that you don’t really need or want, but you haven’t had the will to throw it out yet.
Tracey: I thought we were supposed to leave our husbands at home?
One male Spanish student to another: Calvin, my friendarino potato!
Jen: The last bite of toast is always the saddest.
*Three students are working on a group project. One person is in her costume for Fiddler on the Roof*
Student: It’s like, a fake Jewish person, a real Jewish person, and Cassidy.
Student, lugubriously: Look, I don’t feel well. I don’t even WANT to dress up like a Jew today.
Student: [Teacher] has a hard time writing like a normal person, because all she ever writes is cursive.
Mary Alice: I need a scripture for the bulletin for Faith Promise Sunday.
Bea: Give till it hurts! Delusions 2:1!
Ashley: *laughing* Delusions 2:1!
Bea: Excuse me. SECOND Delusions.
Ashley: Jesus is the BEST stalker.
Terri: He could smack me and I couldn’t see it coming. That’s my blind spot.
Bea: Honey, we’re in church. That’s called ‘laying on of hands.’
Bea: She keeps going places without her oxygen. She’s got the oxygen tubes over her ears, and then hearing aids in both ears, and then her glasses over that… So clearly the first thing to give up in this situation is breathing.
Bea: Any more acts of generosity?
Tina: I didn’t smack that [annoying receptionist] woman today.
Ashley: That’s VERY generous.
Tina: I couldn’t reach her.
Patti: They named her ‘Karma’ when she was a kitten so they could say, “Good Karma!” “Bad Karma!”
Teacher 1: I don’t tolerate profanity.
Teacher 2: Well, that’s a f*cking shame.
Jen: The spirit is willing, but the workload is butts.
Mom: I tried putting Mitzi’s food in an egg carton so she’d have to fish it out, but she doesn’t seem interested.
Ashley: Well, why bother to do that when she’s got her bowl right there?
Mom: I know. But I thought she’d think it was fun!
Ashley: FUN? Mitzi is above FUN. …Think Cruella de Vil with a little less sadism, and that’s Mitzi.
Student 1: Dystopia is like, it couldn’t get any worse. Like robo Nazi space bears!
Student 2: Why robo Nazi space bears?
Student1: Well, YOU took robo atheist space bears.
Student 2: No, it’s racist space bears.
Student 1: What does that look like?
Student 2: The black bears and the brown bears hate each other.
Student 1: Black bear lives matter!
Student 2: If the bears don’t sacrifice Christopher Robin, Yogi will rise from the earth! The unfaithful bears will be swallowed into bear hell!
Student 3: Why is it bears?
Student 2: Because it’s unbearable.
Written on board in student writing in big outline for “Zombie survival for dumbies”: No gunhit them with a stick while crying FU
Student 1: WE ARE NOT EATING PEOPLE!
Student 2: They’re a very sustainable food source!
Student 1: I am severing from this group before you resort to cannibalism.
Student 1: What is the first rule of the zombie apocalypse?
Group of students: Don’t get bit.
Student 2: Don’t talk about the zombie apocalypse.
Student 1: What is Persephone the goddess of?
Teacher: The dead.
Student 2: The underworld.
Student 1: No, she said the dead!
Teacher: It’s both.
Student 2: See? I READ PERCY JACKSON. FIGHT ME.
Bea: We go from these stories about people who preach, and do miracles, and get stoned… I mean, WERE stoned—
Bea: I didn’t come to the Lord because I was afraid of hell, but because I wanted Him in my life!
Ed: I dunno, I was scared of hell.
Patti: Whatever works, Ed.
Woman 1: Bluebird. Who’s Bluebird?
Woman 2: Nobody. I’m Sweet Tart.