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Apr. 1st, 2017

badfic quote

(no subject)

My dad recently assumed that because I hadn't updated the quoteboard since December, that it was no longer active.

FEAR NOT!

Katie, looking at the ashes left from a chemistry lab: Look, it’s all blackened and dry… Like Jessie’s heart.
Jessie: When did I give you my heart?!?
Chris: Last Christmas.

Ashley: I can’t get in to see the endocrinologist for THREE MONTHS! I mean, if I was having a heart attack every day, would they make me wait three months to BEGIN figuring out what was wrong with me??!?
Dad: …
Dad: The obvious answer is ‘No,’ but I would hate to commit myself.

*there’s a knock at the apartment door, Jen answers it*
Young woman: Sorry to bother you, but could you zip up my dress?
Jen: Sure! *zips it up*
Young woman: Thank you!
Jen: No problem! *shuts the door*
Aimee: Who was that, your neighbor?
Jen: No idea. Never seen her before.

*Luann falls asleep New Year’s Eve*
Luann: *wakes up* What year is it?!

Luann: Sparky’s nickname should be, “Stop that! Stop it now!”

Jen: Are those my pajama pants?
Callie: They… might be.
Luann: I think the correct answer is, “Not anymore.”
Callie: Mine were dirty.
Jen: How is that my problem?
Callie: I mean, you weren’t here to defend them.

Student: In my day, we didn’t HAVE children!!

Student: What book are you reading?
Ashley: The Arsenic Century.
Student: YOU MEAN THEY JUST SET FIRE TO THINGS ALL THE TIME??

Student: I have sleep amnesia.
Ashley: Do you mean sleep apnea?
Student: No… What’s it called when you can’t fall asleep at night?
Ashley: Insomnia.
Student: Wait, no. What’s it called when you just fall asleep all the time?
Ashley: Narcolepsy.
Student: I have narcolepsy!

*students won’t stop talking*
Student 1: Can you be our regular teacher?
Ashley: *bellows at the class* QUIET!!
*a silence falls*
Student 1: …Or maybe not.

Counselor: Every time a good woman swears, a badass angel gets its wings.

Roger: I often pray that God would bring justice. And then I remember that his idea of justice and mine are very different. Mine usually involves a lot more revenge.
Bea: I just want you all to know, I’ve been married to Roger for thirty years, and I’ve never seen him take revenge.
Ashley: That’s ’cause he’s good at it.

Ashley: Why do you have to take antibiotics before you go to the dentist?
Mom: Because I had a knee replacement.
Ashley: ...

Ashley: Well, I've had an exciting morning.
Ashley: There's nothing like expecting the mattress delivery guys to arrive in the afternoon, and then being awoken before 7 by them saying they'll be there in 15 minutes...
Jen: That’s grounds for murder in at least 6 states.

Dad: I cleaned out your laptop keyboard. And you know what it was full of?
Ashley: Crumbs?
Dad: GLITTER.

Ashley: My grandpa used to say green was his favorite color, but he couldn’t tell the difference between green and blue.
Callie: My mom can’t tell the difference between purple and brown.
Jen: …
Jen: You know what I CAN tell the difference between? Feeding my daughter and leaving her out in the cold to starve.
Callie: Good point.

*Anna eats a cherry off of her milkshake*
Jen: Now you have to tie the stem in a knot with your tongue.
Anna: *begins tying it with her hands*
Jen: No, your tongue! Your tongue!
Callie: She’s doing it with her hand-tongues.

Luann: Pink yarn’s gonna be illegal soon.
Ashley: Have to learn to dye our own.
Luann: In the blood of our enemies.

Counselor: Talking to you is like watching a TV show and one of those little trivia bubbles pops up at the bottom, like, “Did you know…?”

Student: Can I go play basketball in the gym?
Me: No.
Student: Aw, man! This is SUCH a DEMOCRACY!
Student 2: I think you mean dictatorship…?

Jess: Efficiency, thy name is Susan.

Pastor Mills, trying to get us to sit down after the greeting: Welcome back!
Ashley: Good luck!
Pastor Mills, laughing: Welcome back!
Pastor Mills’ wife: I’m not done yet!!

*We sing some old traditional/children’s songs during worship*
Pastor Mills: I haven’t sung THOSE songs in a few weeks…
Devona, the children’s pastor: I have!

Pastor Mills, reading us a story: “So we bought 8000 Krispy Kreme donuts.” I think that’s a pretty good description of Heaven.

Cashier: Have a good day! Enjoy the… *gestures to the snow outside* …filth.

Ashley: I found out that I not only clench my teeth in my sleep, I do it as soon as I lay down in bed. Something about the angle of my head on the pillow.
Dad: You’ll just have to take off your head at night and put it in a jar by your bed.
Ashley: … O_o

Mom: Gracie [the cat] just looks so much better.
Ashley: Her coat is even brighter!
Mom: Yes! The white is so white, and the black is so black…
Ashley: And the snozzberries taste like snozzberries!

Dad: We’re having chicken patties and turkey soup. Mom cooked two birds with one stove!
Ashley: *facepalms*

Student 1: Yes, you do!
Student 2: No, you don’t!
Student 1: Yes, you do!
Student 2: No, you don’t! I don’t know how it was for you in the OLDEN DAYS, but—

Student: I mean, if I have kids one day, and something happens to my husband, IE, I kill him for cheating on me…

Student: I don’t like her. Her hair makes me angry.

Me: …Are you making confetti?
Student: I’ve been going through some things.

Amy: For the ladies’ retreat, please bring an item from your home that you don’t really need or want, but you haven’t had the will to throw it out yet.
Tracey: I thought we were supposed to leave our husbands at home?

One male Spanish student to another: Calvin, my friendarino potato!

Jen: The last bite of toast is always the saddest.

*Three students are working on a group project. One person is in her costume for Fiddler on the Roof*
Student: It’s like, a fake Jewish person, a real Jewish person, and Cassidy.

Student, lugubriously: Look, I don’t feel well. I don’t even WANT to dress up like a Jew today.

Student: [Teacher] has a hard time writing like a normal person, because all she ever writes is cursive.

Mary Alice: I need a scripture for the bulletin for Faith Promise Sunday.
Bea: Give till it hurts! Delusions 2:1!
Ashley: *laughing* Delusions 2:1!
Bea: Excuse me. SECOND Delusions.

Ashley: Jesus is the BEST stalker.

Terri: He could smack me and I couldn’t see it coming. That’s my blind spot.
Bea: Honey, we’re in church. That’s called ‘laying on of hands.’

Bea: She keeps going places without her oxygen. She’s got the oxygen tubes over her ears, and then hearing aids in both ears, and then her glasses over that… So clearly the first thing to give up in this situation is breathing.

Bea: Any more acts of generosity?
Tina: I didn’t smack that [annoying receptionist] woman today.
Ashley: That’s VERY generous.
Tina: I couldn’t reach her.

Patti: They named her ‘Karma’ when she was a kitten so they could say, “Good Karma!” “Bad Karma!”

Teacher 1: I don’t tolerate profanity.
Teacher 2: Well, that’s a f*cking shame.

Jen: The spirit is willing, but the workload is butts.

Mom: I tried putting Mitzi’s food in an egg carton so she’d have to fish it out, but she doesn’t seem interested.
Ashley: Well, why bother to do that when she’s got her bowl right there?
Mom: I know. But I thought she’d think it was fun!
Ashley: FUN? Mitzi is above FUN. …Think Cruella de Vil with a little less sadism, and that’s Mitzi.

Student 1: Dystopia is like, it couldn’t get any worse. Like robo Nazi space bears!
Student 2: Why robo Nazi space bears?
Student1: Well, YOU took robo atheist space bears.
Student 2: No, it’s racist space bears.
Student 1: What does that look like?
Student 2: The black bears and the brown bears hate each other.
Student 1: Black bear lives matter!
Student 2: If the bears don’t sacrifice Christopher Robin, Yogi will rise from the earth! The unfaithful bears will be swallowed into bear hell!

Student 3: Why is it bears?
Student 2: Because it’s unbearable.

Written on board in student writing in big outline for “Zombie survival for dumbies”: No gunhit them with a stick while crying FU

Student 1: WE ARE NOT EATING PEOPLE!
Student 2: They’re a very sustainable food source!
Student 1: I am severing from this group before you resort to cannibalism.

Student 1: What is the first rule of the zombie apocalypse?
Group of students: Don’t get bit.
Student 2: Don’t talk about the zombie apocalypse.

Student 1: What is Persephone the goddess of?
Teacher: The dead.
Student 2: The underworld.
Student 1: No, she said the dead!
Teacher: It’s both.
Student 2: See? I READ PERCY JACKSON. FIGHT ME.

Bea: We go from these stories about people who preach, and do miracles, and get stoned… I mean, WERE stoned—

Bea: I didn’t come to the Lord because I was afraid of hell, but because I wanted Him in my life!
Ed: I dunno, I was scared of hell.
Patti: Whatever works, Ed.

Woman 1: Bluebird. Who’s Bluebird?
Woman 2: Nobody. I’m Sweet Tart.

Dec. 19th, 2016

book sandwich

Long since time for QUOTEBOOOOOAAAARD!!!

Student, on ChooseMyPlate.gov: I don’t let websites tell me how to feel about myself.


Same student, on ChooseMyPlate.gov: This thing assumes we’re healthy. It really makes me mad.


High school girl to her friends, completely deadpan: Here come the elite athletes in the school. We are blessed.


Student 1: Was “That Seventies Show” actually from the seventies?
Student 2: I don’t know.
Student 3: I don’t think so. I don’t think Ashton Kutcher lived back then.
All: [laughing] Oh, yeah.


Student: He has a laugh that sounds like a Windex bottle. “Kh-kh-kh-kh!”


[Student interrogates me about how I’m not using my advanced degree]
Student: So you did all that school for NOTHING?!
Me: [loftily] Education is its own reward.
Entire class: PPFFFFFFFFFFT


Old high school Spanish teacher: So how many years did you study for your PhD? Like, from your freshman year of college.
Me, calculating: Ten and a half.
Teacher: Ten and a half. WOW. …So you must be nearing thirty now, huh?
Me: …Yes. Thank you.


Student: I can’t really write in the school environment.
Me: Is it the noise? Do you want to go out in the hall?
Student: No. It’s the walls.


Student, doing Spanish homework: What’s “huevos” mean?
Me: Eggs. Like “ovos”.
Student: WHO HATES EGGS?
Later:
Student: Oh. It’s Maria. ‘Maria hates eggs.’ What’s wrong with her??


Student: I hate when I have nothing to do. Or when I have something to do but I don’t want to do it.


Student: Zac Efron? Woo! Who wouldn’t?


Student: What is up with you and your phone of late?


Student 1: It’s going to rain. And have you seen how much the ponchos cost at the stadium??
Student 2: Then bring your own.
Student 1: You can’t. Because it’s a weapon. Because I’m definitely going to suffocate someone with my poncho.


Student: Who are you dollin’ up for?


Jess: Huh! I think I just figured something out! …But I don’t know what.


Pastor: It sounds like our political system today. I don’t know what to tell you about that mess.
Parishoner: Amen.


Jess: I only had two good meals when I was in Ireland. One was a pizza. The other one was a burger from the Hard Rock Café. I mean, in Ireland they put, like, sage in their burgers! If I want to eat potpourri, I will.


Jess: I always thought the Magic School Bus sounded like a drug. “Climb on the Magic School Bus!” Like, *stoner voice* I’m takin’ the bus, man.


Ty: My favorite pushups are clapping pushups.
Tom: My favorite pushups are ones other people do.
*Ashley and Tom slap high five*


Ty: the only thing I like from the movie [Princess Bride] is, *Spanish accent* My name is Antonio Banderas.


*People notice that Jess is taking silly photos*
Jess: Someone left their phone unattended.
Derek: IS THAT MY PHONE??
Jess: This is the price you pay.


Ty: Sugar-free, low calories.
Ketra: THEN WHAT’S THE POINT??


Wedding officiant: The ring is made of precious material to remind you how precious your love is.
Ashley: *whispers* Prrrrecccciousssss


Teacher: What is the rite of passage in our culture? What makes you an adult?
Student: You turn eighteen.
Teacher: Exactly. You have to achieve eighteenness.


(Mom, two weeks from retirement, walks in the door.)
Ashley: How was your day?
Mom: NINE MORE DAYS!


End of a Slate article on who is likely to win the election: We’ll keep updating until the election. Be sure to check slate.com/forecast when you want the single number that most accurately reflects the expert consensus on an unverifiable probabilistic calculation!


Student: His whole life is slow. He drives slow, he brains slow…


Student: I think the PSATs killed 6 out of the 7 brain cells I had.


Author: My mother had a cow. In fact, she dang near had a whole herd.


Random girl: *is passing on a bicycle*
Ashley: *makes friendly eye contact*
Random girl on bicycle: THIS SUCKS!!
Ashley: Aw!
Random girl on bicycle, as she rides away: AUUUUGGGHHH!!!


Teenager on phone: Hang on, I can’t hear you. There’s a lot of crying going on here.


Dad: Every time you said “serial killer,” I thought of Cap’n Crunch splayed out dead on the floor.


Teacher: Mac!
Mac: Here.
Teacher: Mary!
Mary: Here.
Teacher: Evan!
Evan: *Chewbacca noise*


Student: I’ve got homework for frigonometry.


Mom’s student, in a retirement card: Now that you’re retired, you can play tag with your husband.


*Anna’s car takes two hours at the shop*
Jen: Poor Anna’s like, “They said it would only take a half hour!” And I was like, “But they didn’t says WHICH half hour.”


Jen: Dan was with Callie at the hospital, and I was trying to find out if they’d given her a bolus, and he told me they had given her an Ebola injection. That’s when I told him to give the phone to Callie.
Ashley: I love that the person who was drugged up knew what was going on better than the guy who was sober…


Callie: Why did that camera just breathe on me?


At the Halloween party:
Dementor: I'm sucking out your soul!
Jen, as the Sorting Hat: I have no soul! I'm a hat--AND a ginger!


Anna: You should have been here the other night. Callie had a great one for the quoteboard. The cat got up on the shelf with my Charles Dickens collection, and Callie went, “A Tale of Two Kitties!”
Ashley: Well, that cat IS cute as the Dickens.


Teacher: For any of you who are allergic to pollen, pollen contains… the male reproductive cells of the plant.
*long pause*
Student: So it’s flying sperm, basically.


*Jeremy shows me their partitioned living room*
Jeremy, gesturing to the two armchairs: So over here, we have the *puts on snooty voice* “Oh, the economy, and the politics, and have you read the news?”
Jeremy, gesturing to the couch in front of the TV: And over there we have the “BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY!”


Sally, hosting Bible study: I need to prep food. People want to eat. That’s why they’re coming. That and Jesus.


Jessica, an ESL teacher: I know that spelling is a problem. But, I gave my students a test the other day. And it had a word bank on it. And one of my students asked me, “Do we have to spell the words right?”


Jessica: One of my students did a book report on Robin Hood. Halfway through, Robin Hood ended up on a deserted island with only one friend. …When Little John turned into some guy named Friday, I knew there was a problem.


Sally, ESL teacher: My favorite was the student who wrote about this great American author, Hey Ming Wei.


Joe, med student: Lectures would end, like, “In sum, the body is just a series of tubes. …Idiopathic means we don’t know which tube is causin’ it.


Jessica: The answer to “Can I bring a banjo?” is always yes.
Jeremy: Going to a funeral: “Can I bring a banjo?” “Yes.”
Jessica: Going scuba diving: “Can I bring a banjo?” “Yes.”


Sally, making a phone call: Hi. Would you say that you have a small, medium, or large-sized head?


Charlotte, pointing to my book, which has a bird turning into a man in front of a castle on the front cover: Is it autobiographical?


Sally: Just don’t hit that green post and knock out our internet. If our internet goes out…
Ashley: There’s gonna be a MURDER tonight!
Sally: Yes. We will murder you and then toss your body down the ravine, and no one will ever find you.--Oh, look, the stars are so pretty tonight!


Bible study, playing sardines. There are seven people crammed in a tiny closet.
Jeremy: This would be a terribly awkward time for the Rapture to occur.


Jeremy: And then when everybody else left I realized I was stuck!
Charles: That’s when you need Life Line.
Jeremy: I’VE HIDDEN AND I CAN’T GET OUT!!


Charles: Men don’t HAVE hot flashes!


Sarah: If you’re moronic, you’re only one kind of moron. Byronic, you’re two.


Leah: I try not to have flings. Because I don’t want to ruin men for decent women.


*Sally gets home*
Ashley, gesturing to Sally’s husband Jeremy: You missed the "It Must Be Bunnies" singalong!
Sally: No, I missed THIS "It Must Be Bunnies" singalong. There have been many.


Dad: I figured I could gather up the trash, and you could ride with me, and then we could both go vote.
Mom: Another date to the dump.


Ashley: So I was telling her about how Bob Ross was once a drill sergeant.
Dad: Happy little pushups.


Dad: That’s a lot of wedding for somebody who only weighs thirty-five pounds.


Mom: It’s something Magi, and it starts with a T.
Me: Three?
Mom: …
Mom: I hadn’t thought of that.


Pastor: I want you to think of something that really irritates the gourd out of you!
Courtney: I have a GOURD in me??

Courtney: Anybody who has a gourd in them must be GOURDGEOUS!


Woman at craft sale: My husband USED to have a Dallas Cowboys shirt, but a bleach bottle fell on it… *laughs wickedly*


Dad: Have those green beans even been washed?
Mom: Well, they’re supposed to be ready to prepare, so I assume they have.
Chris: You know what assuming does! …Gives you salmonella.


Dad: *mentions a historical figure from the 20th century*
Me: I don’t know who that is.
Dad: O tempora! O mores!


Student: *walks into the classroom* *sees the usual teacher isn’t there* OH. THANK. GOD.


Grandma: I’ve got to have all this dental work done. I need a bridge and four or five crowns… And I’m getting old—it doesn’t hardly seem worth it! I told the dentist, I’ll have to tell my kids to make sure that when I’m in the casket they prop my mouth open so I can get my money’s worth.


Fifth-graders: *play a piece on their snare drums*
Fifth-grader 1: No, wait—
Fifth-grader 2: We messed up!
Fifth-grader 3: *solemnly* We have failed.


Me, subbing: As you may be able to tell, I’m not Mr. Maag.
Fifth-grader: *laughs* Of course not! ‘Cause he’s a boy and you’re a girl!
Me: Yes. Thank you for noticing.


Student: I’m terrible at English. I love my English teacher, but I hate what he does.


Jen: The bedroom door blew shut in the middle of the night. And it wasn’t a problem, until Binky [the cat] needed to use the john. So she scratched at the door for awhile, and finally she went, “MOWWW!” And my mental permutations went like this: first I thought I had received an email from Binky, only it was in all caps…


Student: You look like somebody. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy?
Me: No?
Student: Well, there’s a girl on Grey’s Anatomy, her name’s “Rebecca” on the show, but her real name’s Eva, and she was in a ferry boat accident and had to have her face reconstructed. You look like her.
Me: Am I the “before” picture or the “after”?


Student: My pants keep falling down! I’m so angravated.


Anna: I’m not wearing my costume in the car, because I have to pump gas, and there are some things I will not do in a Renaissance dress.
Callie: Anna, I know you’re not larping—BUT LARP HARDER!


Jen: After my hysterectomy, for a couple months I just felt like my internal organs were going, “…Where’s Steve?”


Subway employee: A lot of people get mad about tomatoes.


*phone rings in the classroom*
Me: Hello?
Person: AVALON CAN LISTEN TO THE BIRDS?
Me: …?


Student: Do you know what makes me even more uncomfortable than couples kissing in the hallway? Couples hugging for a really long time in the hallway and making eye contact with passersby.


Bea: She uses her oven to store her sweaters.


Bea: What color of paper do you want?
Ashley: White.
Bea: *whispers* Paper racist.


Bea: It is the Christmas Aardvark! As legend has foretold!!


Dr. Mills: When I was in seminary, I told God what I would not do. That was a stupid idea… I told him I wouldn’t lead a district Impact team. I told him I wouldn’t be a youth pastor. And I told him I wouldn’t pastor a church in New England. Well, my first job out of seminary, they asked me to lead a district Impact team. I led five teams in two different districts. I was a youth pastor at three different churches. And for twenty years, I pastored a church in New England. …Finally, I figured out how this worked. And I told God I would not pastor a church in Hawaii.


Me: Bless you.
Mom: You’re welcome.


Dad: She had to take seventeen doses of Miralax.
Ashley: She needs to see a doctor!
Dad: She IS seeing a doctor.
Ashley: She needs to see a doctor a little harder!


Diane and her friend Magali are trolling people about being lesbian lovers.
Magali: We could get married!
Diane: Well, I’d need to see first what it would do to my financial assistance. Because I’m perfectly okay with living in sin if it doesn’t hurt my financial aid.


Roger, in Christmas-themed Bible study class: What are your favorite carols? THIS is MY favorite Carol. *gestures to classmate Carol M.*


Roger: So Bea’s brain is abnormal but benign.
Ashley: Well, we KNEW that…


Adam: People from Baltimore pronounce it “Balmer.”
Colin: I guess the rest of the word got destroyed in the riots.


Colin: You’re chewing with your cheeks!


Adam: You were making a loud face.


*Kelsey holds baby Eden up in the air overhead*
Barb: I did that with Chris one time. He threw up in my face.


Ashley, arranging Christmas tree branches: Oh, THAT’s why there was a gap! One of the branches hadn’t fallen into place yet!
Ashley: Like an undescended testicle!
Mom: …
Mom: …I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
Ashley: FA LA LA LA LAAAA LA LA LA LA


*Teachers’ lounge*
Custodian: You can sit with us. We don’t bite.
Ashley: Much.
Custodian: Unless you ask.


Ashley: *Prepares to leave the teachers’ lounge* Well, back to the grind.
Custodian: Take a cookie. It’s a lonely walk.


Bea: This little girl said her two favorite things about church were mints and Jesus. In that order. And I was like, “Taste and see that the Lord is MINTY-FRESH!”


Student 1 to student 2: You just want to skip class!
Ashley: Like the rest of you don’t!
Student 3: She knows us too well…

Sep. 25th, 2016

balcony

QUOTEBOARD

Jen: Congress is a bag of dicks.


Bea: You’re just waiting for some man to come and do your bidding.
Ashley: Hey. I’m not sexist. I want ANYONE to come and do my bidding.


Ashley, dotingly: What would our life be like without cats? Very boring.
Mom: Comparatively wealthy.


Jen, introducing her beta fish: This is Betamax, and this is Tadashi, and this one is Napoleon, and that’s Doug.


Ashley: Hmm. “Belindo”. Sounds like the kind of thing you name your child when you want him to murder you in your sleep someday.


Mom: They moved the funeral home.
Chris: Business was dying off.


Juanita: I’m related to my husband five different ways. He says he’s the only person in Jay County I could legally marry.


Juanita: St. Anthony takes care of us.
Mark: Her more than me.
Juanita: You’re not livin’ right.


Bea: We pray for you every week at Bible study. “Lord, please restore Ashley’s sanity.”
Ashley: I think it’s a little late for that.
Bea: “Lord, we know you’re a God of miracles…”


dad was talking about this meeting of evangelical leaders with trump and how many of them left disliking him even more.
Dad: And some of them refused to go.
Mom: Well, I don't blame them for that! 'Have nothing to do with the deeds of darkness.'


*I end up with two straws at dinner*
Anna: Put the other one in, too. Then you’ll have one for each nostril.


Aliyah: There is a baby!!,
Ashley: WOOHOO!
Ashley: any deets?
Aliyah: Facebook tells me that it's a girl baby
Aliyah: I assume that it's small, and also baby-like


Gary: YOU HAVE SUMMONED ME FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL. AND YOUR CURTAINS ARE GODAWFUL.


[Chris is stripping the finish from an old secretary desk]
Chris: I didn’t realize what hot work stripping was!
Ashley: That sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Chris: Yes. Stripping that old secretary in the garage. I’ll put some chemicals on her and leave her overnight.
Ashley: I’ve been watching too much Forensic Files.
Chris: I need to get some mineral spirits.
Ashley: Do minerals HAVE spirits?
Chris: Apparently!
Mom: They’re not very high. But YOU will be if you breathe enough of it!


Diane: I am unfortunately interested in men, and that is a terrible dating pool.


Diane: Tiny houses were made for people like David.


Chris: Anybody that pays attention to Twitter gets what they deserve.


Nancy: I’m fine, having long since recovered from a bad bout of flu that turned into pneumonia back in March. I got sick the second day we were in our crummy new temporary offices in the windowless Woolworth building downtown. And the roof leaked directly into my office while I was out sick, plus my computer pretty much stopped working after being moved. Then the first time I went to the grocery after returning to work, a tree blew down on my car and caught on fire. It was a rough spring!


Tom: Canadian bacon!
Jess: It’s ham. Its round and pink, it’s ham.
Ashley: By that logic, I’M ham.
Tom: You’re round and pink?
Ashley: Yes.
Tom: No you’re not! You’re mostly oblong.


Jen, to her daughter, who was wearing too much glitter: You look like you’ve been mugged by Tinkerbell.


Gary, wearing a fedora: I look like Indiana Jones’s fat brother. Gary Indiana.


Jen: Alright, let’s walk.
Callie, in a wheelchair: This is me, walking.


Callie, showing off her party trick: I AM THE LAMEST X-MAN.


Ashley: The one who brings you presents.
Gary: Krampus?
Ashley: No, Krampus is the one who brings you menstrual pain.


Jen: They had me at “face bidet.”


Mom, after baking: Boy, look at all the dough I’ve got on me!
Ashley: I wish *I* had a lot of dough on me…


Grandma, on Trump: His mouth gets in gear about half an hour before his brain does.


Ashley: I was a good little girl.
Blair: What happened?


April: Did you know Carrie Fisher’s husband left her for Elizabeth Taylor?
Ashley: Really?? …Well, a LOT of men left their wives for Elizabeth Taylor…


Luke 1:18 And Zacharias said to the angel, “How will I be certain of this? For I am an old man and my wife is advanced in age.”
Bea: This is how we know Zacharias is a wise man. He doesn’t call his wife “old.”


Ashley: I’ve been to a few bad psychologists. Like that one who, when I went to her and told her I was depressed, asked me, “Can you think of anything you could do to make yourself feel better?”
Dad: Hard drinking.


[Dressing up people in toilet paper bridal gowns at a wedding shower]
Ashley: I vote we dress up Susan.
Susan: But I have to leave in like fifteen minutes.
Cortney: Then you can be a runaway bride!


Jess, typing on her phone: “Happy birthday, cousin!” There, that’s THAT family obligation taken care of!


Gary: I can’t be Australian and not be eccentric. It’s hard to be Australian and brood.


Gary: They look like a cross between rats and drug dealers.


Christen: So now I’m scared of cacti. I will cross the street to avoid them. The Devil’s plant!


Christen: My cleavage just said, “Hello, sweetie!”


Ashley: But what do I smell like?
Jen: Competence.


Random person: GET IT, JASMINE!


Christen: You talkin’ smack to the king?!


Knights, to Catherine of Aragon: Hail, Your Majesty!
Henry VIII: Hello, Catherine.
Ashley, in a man’s voice: Hi, Cathy.


Ashley, in Bible study: The difference between a PA [physician’s assistant] and an MD [medical doctor] is that a PA actually listens to you.
Half the Bible study group: YES! EXACTLY!


Friend-of-a-friend: Dinner went much better than anticipated, and only one person came without her teeth!


Carrie: You raised us, and we turned out okay. We haven’t been in prison THAT often. The wolves were very impressed with how well trained I was.
Esther: Well, they know me.


*A baby is crying*
Christen: Put food in it. That’s my answer. It might need plugged; I don’t know.


Christen: I would make my consort dress in period costume at all times.
Jen: Make him wear a loincloth and a dubious expression.


Jess: My favorite characters from Voyager were Tupak… No, that wasn’t his name…
Ashley, laughing: Tuvok.
Jess: Yeah. Tuvok and Ch—chipotle?
Ashley: *dies laughing* Tupak and Chipotle!


Dad, regarding Trump: If you ever wondered if Christians would vote for the Devil if he ran as a Republican… the answer is yes.


Ashley: Jen’s kids went to high school with M. Night Shyamalan’s kids.
Mom: …Say that name again?
Ashley: M. Night Shyamalan. S-h-y-a-m-a-l-a-n.
Mom: Ohhh. I was trying to figure out what Emma Knight had to do with Spamalot.


Jess, on visiting Versailles: We saw Marie Antoinette’s cottage on the grounds. Girl was SLUMMIN’.


Overheard high school student: I don’t need you! I’m a strong, independent, happy American male!


Physics student: Oh my God, you CAN blow his pants off!


Student, on experiment outcome: It’s because I have zero percent error. Because I’m perfect.


Student 1: I got a job at Chuck-E-Cheese.
Student 2: Do you get to go into that playground even though you’re not five??


Overheard student: Can I just like, come and take a nap in your closet? Or would that be weird?


Student: I’m gonna rig the election. I’m gonna bring my friends. I’m gonna bring ALL my friends.
Ashley: You’re going to bring three people?
Students: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Student: Yeah, get the foreign exchange student to help you with your English!
Exchange student: But I’m really good at English!
Student: It’s like getting the dyslexic kid to help you with your math!
Ashley: ...


Ashley: Let’s use a tree instead of a creature. A tree doesn’t escape.
Jen: Unless it’s an ent. And then it escapes reeeeeeally slowly.


Jen: I, for one, will welcome our raven overlords.


*Jen removes her things from Gary’s shopping basket*
Gary: It’s like a great weight has been lifted off my forearm…


Jen: Heigh-ho!
Ashley: What did you call me??

Aug. 16th, 2016

aslan

(no subject)

So I've been having a lot of trouble lately understanding why God has been letting things in my life go so crazy for so long, and trouble believing that He cares how I feel about it. But this morning I was reading about Lazarus and Dives, and started thinking about the real Lazarus.

John 11
11 Now a certain man named Lazarus was sick. He was from [a]Bethany, the village where Mary and her sister Martha lived. 2 It was the Mary who anointed the Lord with perfume and wiped His feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick. 3 So the sisters sent word to Him, saying, “Lord, he [our brother and Your friend] whom You love is sick.” 4 When Jesus heard this, He said, “This sickness will not end in death; but [on the contrary it is] for the glory and honor of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it.” 5 Now Jesus loved and was concerned about Martha and her sister and Lazarus [and considered them dear friends]. 6 [b]So [even] when He heard that Lazarus was sick, He stayed in the same place two more days. 7 Then He said to His disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.” 8 The disciples said to Him, “Rabbi (Teacher), the Jews were only recently going to stone You, and You are [thinking of] going back there again?” 9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours [of light] in the day? Anyone who walks in the daytime does not stumble, because he sees [by] the light of this world. 10 But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because there is no light in him.” 11 He said this, and after that said, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him.” 12 The disciples answered, “Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover.” 13 However, Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that He was referring to natural sleep. 14 So then Jesus told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead. 15 And for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” 16 Then Thomas, who was called Didymus (the twin), said to his fellow disciples, “Let us go too, that we may die with Him.”

17 So when Jesus arrived, He found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb [c]four days. 18 Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles away; 19 and many of the Jews had come to see Martha and Mary, to comfort them concerning [the loss of] their brother. 20 So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went to meet Him, while Mary remained sitting in the house. 21 Then Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 Even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give to You.” 23 Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise [from the dead].” 24 Martha replied, “I know that he will rise [from the dead] in the resurrection on the last day.” 25 Jesus said to her, “[d]I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in (adheres to, trusts in, relies on) Me [as Savior] will live even if he dies; 26 and everyone who lives and believes in Me [as Savior] will never die. Do you believe this?” 27 She said to Him, “Yes, Lord; I have believed and continue to believe that You are the Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed), the Son of God, [e]He who was [destined and promised] to come into the world [and it is for You that the world has waited].”

28 After she had said this, she left and called her sister Mary, privately whispering [to her], “The Teacher is here and is asking for you.” 29 And when she heard this, she got up quickly and went to Him.

30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met Him. 31 So when the Jews who were with her in the house comforting her, saw how quickly Mary got up and left, they followed her, assuming that she was going to the tomb to weep there. 32 When Mary came [to the place] where Jesus was and saw Him, she fell at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her sobbing, and the Jews who had come with her also sobbing, He was [f]deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, 34 and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept. 36 So the Jews were saying, “See how He loved him [as a close friend]!” 37 But some of them said, “Could not this Man, who opened the blind man’s eyes, have kept this man from dying?”

38 So Jesus, again deeply moved within, approached the tomb. It was a cave, and a boulder was lying against it [to cover the entrance]. 39 Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to Him, “Lord, by this time there will be an offensive odor, for he has been dead four days! [It is hopeless!]” 40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not say to you that if you believe [in Me], you will see the glory of God [the expression of His excellence]?” 41 So they took away the stone. And Jesus raised His eyes [toward heaven] and said, “Father, I thank You that You have heard Me. 42 I knew that You always hear Me and listen to Me; but I have said this because of the people standing around, so that they may believe that You have sent Me [and that You have made Me Your representative].” 43 When He had said this, He shouted with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 Out came the man who had been dead, his hands and feet tightly wrapped in burial cloths (linen strips), and with a [burial] cloth wrapped around his face. Jesus said to them, “Unwrap him and release him.”

45 So then, many of the Jews who had come to [be with] Mary and who were eyewitnesses to what Jesus had done, believed in Him. 46 But some of them went back to the Pharisees and told them what Jesus had done.

Conspiracy to Kill Jesus
47 So the chief priests and Pharisees convened a council [of the leaders in Israel], and said, “What are we doing? For this man performs many signs (attesting miracles). 48 If we let Him go on like this, everyone will believe in Him, and the Romans will come and take away both our [holy] place (the temple) and our nation.” 49 But one of them, [g]Caiaphas, who was the high priest that year [the year of Christ’s crucifixion], said to them, “You know nothing at all! 50 Nor do you understand that it is expedient and politically advantageous for you that one man die for the people, and that the whole nation not perish.” 51 Now he did not say this [simply] on his own initiative; but being the high priest that year, he [was unknowingly used by God and] prophesied that Jesus was going to die for the nation, 52 and not only for the nation, but also for the purpose of gathering together into one body the children of God who have been scattered abroad. 53 So from that day on they planned together to kill Him.


This comes at a turning point in Jesus' ministry. He's been doing healing, and he has raised a couple people from the dead, but he did it either privately or far from Jerusalem. This raising of the dead was public, very close to Jerusalem, and allowed his fame to really spread. Jesus COULD have gone and healed Lazarus long before he was dead. He had plenty of time to do that, but he chose to stay where he was: because he needed to show his power to his disciples and to the Jews of Jerusalem through the raising of Lazarus. He needed to wait until it was absolutely impossible--both because he was dead and because his spirit had fled his body after the three-day vigil--to do it. He needed to wait until all hope was gone.

That didn't mean he didn't feel for Mary and Martha's suffering. Jesus was "deeply moved" and wept. He loved Lazarus, and he loved Lazarus's sisters. He knew this was painful for them, and he felt for them. He joined in their grief, even though he knew it wasn't going to last. He had sympathy and love for them, even though he knew the full story and what was going to happen.

Martha still had faith, however. Even when Lazarus was dead, she pointed out to Jesus that he could still do any miracle he wanted. Even so, she was hesitant to claim that miracle. Jesus said that Lazarus would live again, and Martha gave the conventional reply that he would live again at the resurrection of the dead. But Jesus gently points out that he can do something about that resurrection now. Martha was scared to give more than the conventional "everything'll be okay in heaven" answer, to lay claim to things being okay on earth too, but at Jesus' words she DID express her faith in his total power.

When God waits to answer a prayer, it's not because he's forgotten you, or doesn't care, or that his promises are niggardly and only guarantee happiness in the next world, or only apply to groups rather than individuals. When God waits to answer a prayer it's because he's got a plan. Maybe it's not even specifically a plan to help YOU: it might be a plan to help someone else ("for your sake, I am glad I was not there," he says to the disciples). But he's going to take care of it. Even if it looks like he waited too long and everything's ruined forever, even if all hope is gone and has been for awhile. God's got a happy ending planned, in this life as well as the next. You don't have to wait for the resurrection of the dead: Jesus is the resurrection, and we have him right now: the kingdom of God has already arrived on earth. Be bold in praying for blessings now, even if you have to pray for a long time.

Jul. 27th, 2016

balcony

(no subject)

Prednisone is a strange and wonderful drug. Last night I woke up immediately after having a dream in which I was reading a comic strip where a man and woman were talking about their education. The woman said that the girls at their school started learning to read a year earlier than the boys because their domestic education was considered more important than boys' education and also harder to learn, so they had more to get into their schooling.
Woman, annoyed: Yet man sees himself as like unto the stars.
Man, also annoyed: I am an untamed Jungle Creature.
Woman: "It." ITT! [to emphasize than a jungle animal is subhuman] This is why men have created such fascinating works in Narnia and Middle-earth--and why remakes of those worlds generate so much controversy. Man is recreating the world and finding Cain more destructive than he thought.

My brain comes up with some crazy stuff on Prednisone...
Tags:

Jul. 13th, 2016

balcony

(no subject)

Had my first appointment with my lyme doc, and I feel SO much better. He said, "WOW, you've got a LOT of Lyme symptoms." When filling out those symptom checklists, I always feel like I want to really check everything that possibility fits, so later I started worrying that I had exaggerated things and they shouldn't count. But he put my mind at rest. He confirmed that my exercise-induced asthma prob was just asthma, but he definitely gave weight to a number of other symptoms that I might have discounted as minor, like my fatigue, my night-sweats, etc. He said I was way too young to be having heart palpitations. When I told him that my depression didn't seem to respond to medication and added "but we've only tried five or six," he was like, "O_o That's... a lot." So that made me feel better, that it's not in my head and this IS a thing. Thus the effects of the medical profession's downplaying of women's symptoms... Yeah.

Anyway, the wide-spectrum western blot has to ship out to CA on Fri, and then it'll be 17-21 business days until we get the results, which cd be positive, borderline, or negative. He says even if it's negative I can come in for the follow-up and he'll put me on 6-8 weeks of the antibiotics and see if I respond to them. I am just SO relieved to have my suspicions taken seriously and to know that we're taking another step toward potential diagnosis and treatment. I REALLY hope it comes back positive, so we know what this is at last...
Tags:

May. 15th, 2016

book sandwich

(no subject)

Ashley: I wouldn’t mind being a dad; I just don’t want to be a mom.

Susan: He is a beautiful man. …And he’s a lumberjack, by the way.
Ashley: Is he okay?
Sue and Trish: He’s VERY okay.

Jess: I wanna see if she’s pregnant. …Yep, she’s pregnant! Her boobs are HUGE!

Chris: This is really good bologna. I can smell it from here, and it tastes like licking my living room.

Eunice: I’ve known several people named Omar.
Carrie: Gaddafi.

Carrie: And that one man—Lurch.
Ashley, laughing: Lurch?
Carrie: YOU DIDN’T SEE HIM.

Dad: We gotta go soon. I have to milk the cats.

Jen: I have the best millionaire lifestyle right now. I get up first thing in the morning and take my movantik, and about an hour later I poop. And then I’m set for the day!

Jamey: Will you marry me?
Sarah: Oh my God!
Jamey: Is that a yes?
Sarah: It’s a strong maybe.

*Anna’s reading our story with a monster called a manaha*
Anna: I just got to the bit with the manahmanah.
Jen: I bet they make us change that. To vitiligo. That’s really in right now.

Diane: I managed to get myself on church council. My mom’s like, “I raised you better than this.” I’m like, “This from someone who was president.”

Jen: When I woke up this morning, I found a half-eaten bowl of pita chips in my lap.

Ashley: I can pet two cats at once.
Mom: Mitzi says, “Not if I’m one of them!”

Dad: When I first started working in contracting, I came home after doing my first contracting award and said, “I could get used to spending money!” And [Mom] said, “Not with my checkbook, you don’t!”

Bea: Also, if you hear any rumors about possible death threats toward you that were made at Ladies' Bible Study, it was probably a joke.
Most likely.

Sarah: He was an asshole. If there was a human form of a zit, it would be Marcus.

Sally, on a road trip: This is our fourth state today!
Jeremy: Confusion, despair…

Ashley: I miss you. Who else am I gonna be stupid with?
Jessica: You have other stupid friends, don’t you?

Ashley looking at the design on partner’s shirt: A squirrel with a martini. There has to be a stupid pun in there somewhere.
Partner: “Animal spirits.”
Ashley: I was right!

Mom, playing cribbage: Knobs are good.
Ashley, gesturing: Yessss
Mom: Those are knockers, dear.

Mom, playing cribbage on Vicodin: Twenty-six? How dare you.

Ashley: You’re fun when you’re on Vicodin. You just get the giggles.
Mom, giggling: And sometimes I throw up.

Jen: What did Jesus do that was so special on Christmas?
Friend: He was born!
Jen: How is that special? Do you know anybody who HASN’T done that?!

Jen: Turns out I don’t need to avoid sugar. I just have to have protein with it.
Ashley: So you just have to have a burger with your candy.
Jen: That’s right—a piece of gum and a meatball, like normal people.

Luann, on the “Aquatic Ape Theory”: It’s an interesting theory. I don’t know if it holds water.

Mom: I’ve invited at least three dead people to like your page.

Ashley: Are you okay?
Jen: Yeah. Surprise yoga is the best kind.

Jen, starting a regency romance: Well, her name is Lydia Dare, so I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be smut everywhere.

Mark: Find ways to maintain whatever level of sanity you normally operate at.

Mark: I volunteer my services for coming up with weird-ass questions.

Ashley: I can’t wake up.
Dad: I could throw some cats on you.
Ashley: I already tried to get that one to curl up with me.
Dad: No, I meant throwing them on you violently.

Dad: Ashley, could you put on some shoes and come help me with something?
Mom: What makes you think she isn’t wearing shoes?
Dad: Have you MET her?

Pastor Mike, on how the Romans were really good at the whole execution thing: The Romans were really knew what they were doing, Amen?
Congregation: Amen.
Sally: That was an odd thing to "Amen."

*In a discussion of childhood development*
Jess, whispering to her mom: YOU DID THIS TO ME.

Ken: He is a walking party looking for a place to happen, and everyone is invited.

Jess, pointing to “empathy” on her strengthsfinder: I’m glad that’s there. That’s why I’m not a sociopath.

Ken: Whatever you need to do in the next five minutes, go.
Cortney: LET’S ROB A BANK.

Person 1: She has the New England attitude.
Ken: It’s not an attitude. It’s RIGHT.

April: There better be a handicapped sticker in that window!
Ken: Or you’re gonna need one!

Ken: They know where they’re going.
Jess: Straight. To. Hell.

Ken: She was a she-cow from hell.

Jen: I’ll see you tomorrow!
Sarah: …Wait, but… we’re coming home tonight.
Jen: Yes, but you don’t live here.
Sarah: Oh, right.

Sarah: My Adderal is finally kicking in. I tried to tell a story earlier.
Jake: How did that go?
Sarah: It was… non-Euclidian.

Callie: Well also, dicks can be really upsetting sometimes. It’s like this sad sea creature that just flops out to ruin your day.

Michelle: Jake, please explain why centaur babies are problematic.
Jake: So, baby horses can run hours after they’re born. But human babies can’t hold their heads up for weeks. So can you imagine the baby centaur, and the lower half is running around and the human half is just FLOPPING.

Jen, singing to the tune of “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”: Zoey got run over by a carriage…
Ash: Walking home from a date with Natalie... You may say there’s no such thing as magic,
Jen: But somehow I think Zoey would disagree!

Ashley: Herman is here to explain the plot.
Jen: “The things you did not understand I will now make clear to you! Does anyone have a mustache I can twirl?” said Herman, twirling the mustache of the man standing next to him. “MWA HA HA!”

Jen: How he got out of the camp, Faolan never knew—because his writers were too f***ing lazy to write it or figure it out.

Jen: This girl was really nice, but she went to like Strait-Laced University of White People. …I can’t remember her real name, because Aimee nicknamed her Susie Cream-cheese and that’s all I ever remember.

Jen, looking at a menu: Oh, what do I feel like?
Anna squeezes her arm: Soft and squishy.

Ashley: I had a dream last night that I was yelling at small children and shoving them in closets.

Ashley, in reference to the cats: ozzie has taken to mounting rex
rex is like, meh
my parents are appalled
i told them ozzie was exploring his sexuality.
dad's like, HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY WE REMOVED IT

Callie: we have been out of peanut butter for way too long, in a neverending, legume-less dream within my heart.

Bea: Don’t frown at me when you’re God—it makes me nervous!

Bea: We’ll have a meeting later to pray for healing for Ashley’s sense of humor.

Jess, on an Arby’s commercial: I hate how they say that. It sounds like a venereal disease. “We have the meats.”

Jen: Hello, pet poison control hotline? My cat just took my pill.
Hotline: What kind of pill?
Jen: Vitamin D.
Hotline: Okay. How does she look?
Jen: Smug.

Grandma: I dreamed I was working at Jake’s (butcher shop) again. Some lady came in and asked me if the lightbulbs were fresh.

Pres McDavis: Your time here has enriched Ohio University.
*Dr. D starts snickering*

Melody: This mission trip was sponsored by Brio, which was a Christian magazine for teen girls. So each [drama] team was about twenty teenage girls and one token guy, because SOMEBODY has to play Jesus.

Callie: Hey Ashley, you know a lot of weird stuff…
Jamey: She’s got a piece of paper that says so!

Jen: Eggworth, Lord Spherical's butler, began announcing the guests as they arrived. "Lord and Lady Ghastly," he intoned. "The Honorable Miss Unfortuna Ghastly. Sir Westminster Singlenipple. Lord Noodle-Cheese, the Honorable Mr. Monterey Noodle-Cheese, the Honorable Miss Chedda Noodle-Cheese. Miss Drizella Drizzle. Mr. and Mrs. Frumpington-Dowdy. Miss van Dusen, Miss Jubilee van Dusen. Lord Redvine Twizzler...

Jen: What do you suppose a dog in an elevator thinks?

Ashley, flossing teeth, standing on one foot while petting cat with the other: This is what I call multitasking.

Dr. D: It’s a very, very famous book of the kind no one reads.

Dr. D: If I say, “Why did he begin this way?” the correct answer is, “Because he wanted to.”

Librarian: Seen?
Sean: “Shawn”.
Librarian: “Shawn”.
Sean: It’s okay; you can call me Seen.

Librarian: I’m supposed to promote the archives, and I agree, it’s important, and yet I’m bitter.

Librarian: Are there any medievalists?
Mara: We had one, but he left.
Librarian: The medievalist left. Well, you know, they get that way.

Feb. 16th, 2016

badfic quote

(no subject)

Ashley: Now *Macbeth* wears the royal pajamas!

Dad: I don’t know how they made these new sauce packets, but they’re impossible to open. …I guess I could put it on the table and pound it with my fist?
Ashley: That’d be a big mess to clean up.
Dad: If you’re sitting at the other end of the table, you’ll learn why they call it *duck* sauce!

Ashley: We should have a Boston marriage!
Jess: What’s that?
Ashley: It’s when two women who didn’t want to get married would set up house by themselves.
Derek: Oh, you mean lesbians?
Ashley: Well yeah, some of them. But it was optional.

[After my dissertation defense]
Charles: So were they just testing to see if you could follow along with their conversation…?

A teenager, unhappily: We’ve got people coming over Christmas morning. I have to put on a BRA.

Pastor: I wonder what that first Christmas was like for Mary and Joseph?
Ally: Stressful.

Pastor: They were in a stable, and Larry laid Jesus in the manger…

Pastor: The shepherds saw the angels and they fell prostate on the ground.

Tom: I still have lots of that caramel apple candy corn left. Once you get over the fact that it doesn’t taste like apples, caramel, or candy corn, it’s actually pretty good.

Announcer: Everyone who is participating in the ugly sweater contest, please come to the stage!
Kid: Mom! Ugly sweater contest!
Mom: No, I’m not in it!

Jen: And he brought his dog, who was ALSO a vampire.

Carrie, quoting a kid in her youth group:
Roses are red.
Violets are red.
Your garden’s on fire.

Carrie: It’s New Jersey. We eat muskrat recreationally.

Carrie *sings*: Our gastric synchronization / Can have but one explanation: / You and I were just meant to be! / Say goodbye to the hunger of the past / We don’t have to live it anymore… / Lunch is an open dooooor!

Grandma: What’s that doctor’s name? Jingleberger?
Barb: Dunklebarger.

Colin: Watch this! *to Siri* Call Grandma.
*Phone rings*
Grandma: Tell her to answer it!

*I call the state government for information. They are singularly unhelpful. My dad calls. They give him the required information.*
Ashley: Why were YOU privy to that information, and I was not?
Dad: Because I got a bit obnoxious.

Ashley: Stew-ed tomatoes.
Dad: Stew-ed tomatoes or stupid tomatoes?
Ashley: Well, they’re not terribly smart.
Dad: Guess that’s why they call them vegetables.

Mom: That was the last of my bags of cinnamon tea. Now I’m going to have to start using the loose tea.
Dad: Gonna have to start rolling your own.

Dad: The first time the new West End fire siren went off, in the middle of the night, I genuinely thought it was the Second Coming. I couldn’t figure out why I was still lying in bed!

Dad, on listening to a report from Henry Kissing about a worldwide red alert during the Cold War: I didn’t have to worry about dying in a nuclear war—I was going to die of old age listening to Henry Kissinger!

Chris: [mentions me to his high school students]
Student: I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that you have a sister. I’m trying to picture her.
Chris: Well, she doesn’t have the beard.
Student: I’m just imagining this very big, manly woman.

Megan, eating something pretty good in the dining hall: Wow! This actually tastes like real food!

From my psych book. [this part of the brain] controls the four F's: fighting, fleeing, feeding and mating.

Diane: I found out that you're more likely to be killed by being hit on the head by a coconut than by being bitten by a shark. It made me scared of coconuts. When we went to Cancún, I refused to sit under trees.

Ashley: BUUUUURP.
Holly: Bless you!

Psych prof: Okay, so this Neil Diamond song comes on the radio. (writes on the board: "Conditioned Stimulus: our song") They’re out having a good time, (writes: "Unconditioned Stimulus: sex") which leads to good feelings. (writes: "Unconditioned Response: Luv")

Psych prof: So the kid’s misbehaving, what do we do? Well, I whip out my handy-dandy cattle prod... (everyone laughs) Hey, I’m a psychologist. We’re known for using juice. Whenever psychologist graduates, they get their own personal cattle prod.

Liz: If something jumps out at him, I’m going to have a myocardial infarction!

Kim: (sings) Don’t pee on the president’s lawn…

Me: So. What do you think of C____?
Dad: When she dies they're gonna have to shoot her mouth.
Later:
Dad: C____ could pass as L__ F____'s granddaughter.
Mom: Oh, you mean when she dies they'll have to shoot her mouth?

Katie: Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty says the word 'hell'. That just makes me happy.

*In Spanish class, discussing how the word "got" translates*
Prof Cordova: Got wet, got sick, got angry...
Dana: got milk...

Ray: Maybe if we sing at that house, it will tip the scales of good and evil!

In Spanish class:
Ashley: How do you say "shepherd?"
Prof: "Pastore." Like "pastor".
Jen: Wait. Why are they bastards?

Liz: I don't steal! I just take stuff.

Dana: I didn't bite her! She jumped into my mouth!

Dr. Shillock: So Frankenstein has been working on this monster for about two years, and then he brings it to life and realizes it's ugly. Frankenstein is what we'd call a slow learner.

Jen on painkillers: ok my typing is becoming comedic and i am taking forever to reply, so i think it's probbaly a g ood tie to stop,/
Ash: ok
Jen: sorry, i swera painkillersd wrm eithg fothe tight insgerd,
this is what hapeens when ei tosnlf go hack and coerect itls.
Ash: ok i understood up to the word painkillers lol
Jen: exactly.

Ashley: Am I the only one who thinks that “Crystal Light” sounds like a drug?

Jen: Okay, how many hundreds of dollars have I dropped on this?
Store clerk: Oh, not hundreds. Only a little hundreds.

*watching the Superbowl*
Courtney: Okay, let’s see which team has the better outfits.

*we kept calling the Panthers and the Broncos the kitties and the ponies and talking about how we didn't understand football*
Ashley: What happens when the kitty cat goes outside the box?
Courtney: Somebody has to clean it up.

Courtney: Why do the umpires all have different hats?
Ashley: For a moment I totally thought you said ‘Why do the vampires all have different hats?’

Ashley: There’s been a lot more of this game than eleven minutes.
Bea: It’s football time. It’s like Narnia.

Anna: "Dork" means a whale's penis!
Ashley: Actually, I looked it up, and it's a corruption of "dick" but it doesn't have anything to do with whales.
Jen: I think ‘dork’ should be a corruption of a whale’s penis. Like Cthulhu, only a whale’s penis.
Jen: That should be on the quoteboard.
Ashley: I don't even know what it means!

Jen: I have to get up at the buttcrack of dawn.
Ashley: I’ve heard of Aurora’s eyelids, but not Aurora’s buttcrack.
Callie C: The rosy red cheeks of dawn!

Dan, to his 24-year-old son Jamey: Think Father’s Day! *Glances at Jamey’s fiancée, Sarah* Not that I’m recommending that for another couple of years…
Sarah: O_O
Sarah, to Jamey: ARE YOU PREGNANT??

Mr. Reed: Good night, kids! Be good! If you can’t be good, be clever!
Callie D: What if you can’t be clever?
Callie C: Then make sure it ends up on the Vine.

Ashley: It’s kinda sad that I can imagine England in the 18th century nominating a werewolf King sooner than a Catholic.

Feb. 7th, 2016

balcony

(no subject)

Had a very odd dream last night, but with some beautiful scenery toward the end. First, Andrea was having a birthday party, and some people got her takeout pizza in a special box. i thought that was a little stupid, b/c we were at a different restaurant at the time, so it was going to get cold. but there was the party thing going on throughout.

Then at one point I was in a forest with Legolas and we were being attacked by "orcs" (who were really more like very dirty humans) and i had a pike and was trying to stab them before they got near me. the pike was supposed to be poisoned, but i had some trouble with it, and at one point i thought that it wasn't working, and if i could only take control and imagine hard enough that it was working, it would work and everything wouldn't get creepy. apparently i've started semi-lucid dreaming...

anyway, we got away and moved upstream to a place where a bunch of people were sitting around in a large rectangle of seats and singing a capella. it was beautiful, and i joined in on the melody b/c i knew the song and people were looking at me. i went, still singing, to find a seat, and was seated by shandi tosten and emily walker, so apparently it was a class reunion. the class reunion then moved on: i was looking through a yearbook and it was full of illustrations and you were supposed to find illustrations of people reading the actual yearbook (it was also full of typos and you were supposed to find those too, and iw as like, they just didn't want to proofread). i was trying to show this to mom. the people in the illustrations were in this beautiful classical/medieval building, and then we were there too.

then suddenly we looked out the tall windows and we saw what looked like alligators hanging in the air. then we realized they were hanging there b/c they were eating pelicans, and the pelicans were flapping their wings and holding them up. somebody had decided it was fun to airdrop half a dozen alligators into the party. They were very fas tand kept chasing people. they transformed later into bears, which were better, partly b/c you could shout a lot and they would leave you alone.

but the architecture for this graduation party was GORGEOUS. at one point there was a woman in a dress with this very long piece of material--yards and yards--attached to it like a train. She tried to swirl her dress and it didn't quite work. so i shouted encouragement to her from the window, and she did it again, and this time it worked gloriously, the train blowing out behind her in a straight line in the wind afterward. we applauded--and then the end of the train got wrapped around a power line and she had to get it down.

finally the pope arrived, and we thanked him so much for allowing us to have this party in the vatican. i was very complimentary, though i DID tell him i didn't appreciate the alligators. i was about to head to the concert hall for the last part of the program, and i was getting out my camera to take some final pictures, when this plane took off from the italian army/police a short way away and flew over firing down in this narrow line right across the street. they didn't think we should be there--i think it was a combination of the fact that we were christian (thus the pope) and that we were americans. anyway, it was terrible that they didn't want us there, and we were angry. i was still trying ot take pictures when they forced us to move on at knifepoint. i was seriously annoyed.

we went into the building for the last part, and discovered that we had to walk in this raised cattle-chute-like thing where the pews and stairs were, except everything was COVERED with a massive disorganized pile of old books. so we had to walk over books and sit on books. the building was very dark, done in dark wood, and had a crazy design, like that wild staircase in that bookstore in portugal. i sat down and tried to take a photo of it all, but i had trouble with my camera. i was sitting next to emily walker. then the pope began preaching, talking about how awful the italians were being, and he said 'shit' in his sermon: because he's the COOL pope.
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Jan. 10th, 2016

balcony

(no subject)

I had this very cinematic dream last night that we found this hat, and when you put it on you went back to 1932. You could experience about two weeks of the thirties in about thirty seconds. My boyfriend tried it first and then wanted me to go with him but I was hesitant b/c I felt it was dangerous. Eventually I did go with him. The most dangerous thing about the thirties turned out not to be the disease and impending WWII but the other time travelers whom we discovered there. A couple of them were very violent, and I didn't know what would happen if I got shot in the thirties. (Though we did learn that you could send objects THROUGH the hat: loot the thirties.) We went back with one of the time travelers and discovered that he was from the Dakotas in the 19th century: not all of them were time traveling BACK. Through him we met the remnants of a Native American tribe--they were all young people. For some reason he thought it would be a good idea to send them through, even though we said this was stupid, and it was hinted that they all died. Disease? Despair? Dunno. We went through to find out what happened and got to see the Native American kids meeting an entire bus full of immigrant kids of all nationalities, which was cool. There was a hint then that you couldn't die in the time travel and that you could accidentally be sent back into a wall or a house fire or something but that they couldn't kill you, and you just had to live through it until you could get out of it, which would suck.

I think the most interesting part of this was that when we time traveled back we assumed that everyone was traveling back: that everyone had the same starting point as us. Realizing that to some of the time travelers the thirties was the FUTURE with amazing technology was really interesting.
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