Same student, on ChooseMyPlate.gov: This thing assumes we’re healthy. It really makes me mad.
High school girl to her friends, completely deadpan: Here come the elite athletes in the school. We are blessed.
Student 1: Was “That Seventies Show” actually from the seventies?
Student 2: I don’t know.
Student 3: I don’t think so. I don’t think Ashton Kutcher lived back then.
All: [laughing] Oh, yeah.
Student: He has a laugh that sounds like a Windex bottle. “Kh-kh-kh-kh!”
[Student interrogates me about how I’m not using my advanced degree]
Student: So you did all that school for NOTHING?!
Me: [loftily] Education is its own reward.
Entire class: PPFFFFFFFFFFT
Old high school Spanish teacher: So how many years did you study for your PhD? Like, from your freshman year of college.
Me, calculating: Ten and a half.
Teacher: Ten and a half. WOW. …So you must be nearing thirty now, huh?
Me: …Yes. Thank you.
Student: I can’t really write in the school environment.
Me: Is it the noise? Do you want to go out in the hall?
Student: No. It’s the walls.
Student, doing Spanish homework: What’s “huevos” mean?
Me: Eggs. Like “ovos”.
Student: WHO HATES EGGS?
Student: Oh. It’s Maria. ‘Maria hates eggs.’ What’s wrong with her??
Student: I hate when I have nothing to do. Or when I have something to do but I don’t want to do it.
Student: Zac Efron? Woo! Who wouldn’t?
Student: What is up with you and your phone of late?
Student 1: It’s going to rain. And have you seen how much the ponchos cost at the stadium??
Student 2: Then bring your own.
Student 1: You can’t. Because it’s a weapon. Because I’m definitely going to suffocate someone with my poncho.
Student: Who are you dollin’ up for?
Jess: Huh! I think I just figured something out! …But I don’t know what.
Pastor: It sounds like our political system today. I don’t know what to tell you about that mess.
Jess: I only had two good meals when I was in Ireland. One was a pizza. The other one was a burger from the Hard Rock Café. I mean, in Ireland they put, like, sage in their burgers! If I want to eat potpourri, I will.
Jess: I always thought the Magic School Bus sounded like a drug. “Climb on the Magic School Bus!” Like, *stoner voice* I’m takin’ the bus, man.
Ty: My favorite pushups are clapping pushups.
Tom: My favorite pushups are ones other people do.
*Ashley and Tom slap high five*
Ty: the only thing I like from the movie [Princess Bride] is, *Spanish accent* My name is Antonio Banderas.
*People notice that Jess is taking silly photos*
Jess: Someone left their phone unattended.
Derek: IS THAT MY PHONE??
Jess: This is the price you pay.
Ty: Sugar-free, low calories.
Ketra: THEN WHAT’S THE POINT??
Wedding officiant: The ring is made of precious material to remind you how precious your love is.
Ashley: *whispers* Prrrrecccciousssss
Teacher: What is the rite of passage in our culture? What makes you an adult?
Student: You turn eighteen.
Teacher: Exactly. You have to achieve eighteenness.
(Mom, two weeks from retirement, walks in the door.)
Ashley: How was your day?
Mom: NINE MORE DAYS!
End of a Slate article on who is likely to win the election: We’ll keep updating until the election. Be sure to check slate.com/forecast when you want the single number that most accurately reflects the expert consensus on an unverifiable probabilistic calculation!
Student: His whole life is slow. He drives slow, he brains slow…
Student: I think the PSATs killed 6 out of the 7 brain cells I had.
Author: My mother had a cow. In fact, she dang near had a whole herd.
Random girl: *is passing on a bicycle*
Ashley: *makes friendly eye contact*
Random girl on bicycle: THIS SUCKS!!
Random girl on bicycle, as she rides away: AUUUUGGGHHH!!!
Teenager on phone: Hang on, I can’t hear you. There’s a lot of crying going on here.
Dad: Every time you said “serial killer,” I thought of Cap’n Crunch splayed out dead on the floor.
Evan: *Chewbacca noise*
Student: I’ve got homework for frigonometry.
Mom’s student, in a retirement card: Now that you’re retired, you can play tag with your husband.
*Anna’s car takes two hours at the shop*
Jen: Poor Anna’s like, “They said it would only take a half hour!” And I was like, “But they didn’t says WHICH half hour.”
Jen: Dan was with Callie at the hospital, and I was trying to find out if they’d given her a bolus, and he told me they had given her an Ebola injection. That’s when I told him to give the phone to Callie.
Ashley: I love that the person who was drugged up knew what was going on better than the guy who was sober…
Callie: Why did that camera just breathe on me?
At the Halloween party:
Dementor: I'm sucking out your soul!
Jen, as the Sorting Hat: I have no soul! I'm a hat--AND a ginger!
Anna: You should have been here the other night. Callie had a great one for the quoteboard. The cat got up on the shelf with my Charles Dickens collection, and Callie went, “A Tale of Two Kitties!”
Ashley: Well, that cat IS cute as the Dickens.
Teacher: For any of you who are allergic to pollen, pollen contains… the male reproductive cells of the plant.
Student: So it’s flying sperm, basically.
*Jeremy shows me their partitioned living room*
Jeremy, gesturing to the two armchairs: So over here, we have the *puts on snooty voice* “Oh, the economy, and the politics, and have you read the news?”
Jeremy, gesturing to the couch in front of the TV: And over there we have the “BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY!”
Sally, hosting Bible study: I need to prep food. People want to eat. That’s why they’re coming. That and Jesus.
Jessica, an ESL teacher: I know that spelling is a problem. But, I gave my students a test the other day. And it had a word bank on it. And one of my students asked me, “Do we have to spell the words right?”
Jessica: One of my students did a book report on Robin Hood. Halfway through, Robin Hood ended up on a deserted island with only one friend. …When Little John turned into some guy named Friday, I knew there was a problem.
Sally, ESL teacher: My favorite was the student who wrote about this great American author, Hey Ming Wei.
Joe, med student: Lectures would end, like, “In sum, the body is just a series of tubes. …Idiopathic means we don’t know which tube is causin’ it.
Jessica: The answer to “Can I bring a banjo?” is always yes.
Jeremy: Going to a funeral: “Can I bring a banjo?” “Yes.”
Jessica: Going scuba diving: “Can I bring a banjo?” “Yes.”
Sally, making a phone call: Hi. Would you say that you have a small, medium, or large-sized head?
Charlotte, pointing to my book, which has a bird turning into a man in front of a castle on the front cover: Is it autobiographical?
Sally: Just don’t hit that green post and knock out our internet. If our internet goes out…
Ashley: There’s gonna be a MURDER tonight!
Sally: Yes. We will murder you and then toss your body down the ravine, and no one will ever find you.--Oh, look, the stars are so pretty tonight!
Bible study, playing sardines. There are seven people crammed in a tiny closet.
Jeremy: This would be a terribly awkward time for the Rapture to occur.
Jeremy: And then when everybody else left I realized I was stuck!
Charles: That’s when you need Life Line.
Jeremy: I’VE HIDDEN AND I CAN’T GET OUT!!
Charles: Men don’t HAVE hot flashes!
Sarah: If you’re moronic, you’re only one kind of moron. Byronic, you’re two.
Leah: I try not to have flings. Because I don’t want to ruin men for decent women.
*Sally gets home*
Ashley, gesturing to Sally’s husband Jeremy: You missed the "It Must Be Bunnies" singalong!
Sally: No, I missed THIS "It Must Be Bunnies" singalong. There have been many.
Dad: I figured I could gather up the trash, and you could ride with me, and then we could both go vote.
Mom: Another date to the dump.
Ashley: So I was telling her about how Bob Ross was once a drill sergeant.
Dad: Happy little pushups.
Dad: That’s a lot of wedding for somebody who only weighs thirty-five pounds.
Mom: It’s something Magi, and it starts with a T.
Mom: I hadn’t thought of that.
Pastor: I want you to think of something that really irritates the gourd out of you!
Courtney: I have a GOURD in me??
Courtney: Anybody who has a gourd in them must be GOURDGEOUS!
Woman at craft sale: My husband USED to have a Dallas Cowboys shirt, but a bleach bottle fell on it… *laughs wickedly*
Dad: Have those green beans even been washed?
Mom: Well, they’re supposed to be ready to prepare, so I assume they have.
Chris: You know what assuming does! …Gives you salmonella.
Dad: *mentions a historical figure from the 20th century*
Me: I don’t know who that is.
Dad: O tempora! O mores!
Student: *walks into the classroom* *sees the usual teacher isn’t there* OH. THANK. GOD.
Grandma: I’ve got to have all this dental work done. I need a bridge and four or five crowns… And I’m getting old—it doesn’t hardly seem worth it! I told the dentist, I’ll have to tell my kids to make sure that when I’m in the casket they prop my mouth open so I can get my money’s worth.
Fifth-graders: *play a piece on their snare drums*
Fifth-grader 1: No, wait—
Fifth-grader 2: We messed up!
Fifth-grader 3: *solemnly* We have failed.
Me, subbing: As you may be able to tell, I’m not Mr. Maag.
Fifth-grader: *laughs* Of course not! ‘Cause he’s a boy and you’re a girl!
Me: Yes. Thank you for noticing.
Student: I’m terrible at English. I love my English teacher, but I hate what he does.
Jen: The bedroom door blew shut in the middle of the night. And it wasn’t a problem, until Binky [the cat] needed to use the john. So she scratched at the door for awhile, and finally she went, “MOWWW!” And my mental permutations went like this: first I thought I had received an email from Binky, only it was in all caps…
Student: You look like somebody. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy?
Student: Well, there’s a girl on Grey’s Anatomy, her name’s “Rebecca” on the show, but her real name’s Eva, and she was in a ferry boat accident and had to have her face reconstructed. You look like her.
Me: Am I the “before” picture or the “after”?
Student: My pants keep falling down! I’m so angravated.
Anna: I’m not wearing my costume in the car, because I have to pump gas, and there are some things I will not do in a Renaissance dress.
Callie: Anna, I know you’re not larping—BUT LARP HARDER!
Jen: After my hysterectomy, for a couple months I just felt like my internal organs were going, “…Where’s Steve?”
Subway employee: A lot of people get mad about tomatoes.
*phone rings in the classroom*
Person: AVALON CAN LISTEN TO THE BIRDS?
Student: Do you know what makes me even more uncomfortable than couples kissing in the hallway? Couples hugging for a really long time in the hallway and making eye contact with passersby.
Bea: She uses her oven to store her sweaters.
Bea: What color of paper do you want?
Bea: *whispers* Paper racist.
Bea: It is the Christmas Aardvark! As legend has foretold!!
Dr. Mills: When I was in seminary, I told God what I would not do. That was a stupid idea… I told him I wouldn’t lead a district Impact team. I told him I wouldn’t be a youth pastor. And I told him I wouldn’t pastor a church in New England. Well, my first job out of seminary, they asked me to lead a district Impact team. I led five teams in two different districts. I was a youth pastor at three different churches. And for twenty years, I pastored a church in New England. …Finally, I figured out how this worked. And I told God I would not pastor a church in Hawaii.
Me: Bless you.
Mom: You’re welcome.
Dad: She had to take seventeen doses of Miralax.
Ashley: She needs to see a doctor!
Dad: She IS seeing a doctor.
Ashley: She needs to see a doctor a little harder!
Diane and her friend Magali are trolling people about being lesbian lovers.
Magali: We could get married!
Diane: Well, I’d need to see first what it would do to my financial assistance. Because I’m perfectly okay with living in sin if it doesn’t hurt my financial aid.
Roger, in Christmas-themed Bible study class: What are your favorite carols? THIS is MY favorite Carol. *gestures to classmate Carol M.*
Roger: So Bea’s brain is abnormal but benign.
Ashley: Well, we KNEW that…
Adam: People from Baltimore pronounce it “Balmer.”
Colin: I guess the rest of the word got destroyed in the riots.
Colin: You’re chewing with your cheeks!
Adam: You were making a loud face.
*Kelsey holds baby Eden up in the air overhead*
Barb: I did that with Chris one time. He threw up in my face.
Ashley, arranging Christmas tree branches: Oh, THAT’s why there was a gap! One of the branches hadn’t fallen into place yet!
Ashley: Like an undescended testicle!
Mom: …I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
Ashley: FA LA LA LA LAAAA LA LA LA LA
Custodian: You can sit with us. We don’t bite.
Custodian: Unless you ask.
Ashley: *Prepares to leave the teachers’ lounge* Well, back to the grind.
Custodian: Take a cookie. It’s a lonely walk.
Bea: This little girl said her two favorite things about church were mints and Jesus. In that order. And I was like, “Taste and see that the Lord is MINTY-FRESH!”
Student 1 to student 2: You just want to skip class!
Ashley: Like the rest of you don’t!
Student 3: She knows us too well…