Bea: You’re just waiting for some man to come and do your bidding.
Ashley: Hey. I’m not sexist. I want ANYONE to come and do my bidding.
Ashley, dotingly: What would our life be like without cats? Very boring.
Mom: Comparatively wealthy.
Jen, introducing her beta fish: This is Betamax, and this is Tadashi, and this one is Napoleon, and that’s Doug.
Ashley: Hmm. “Belindo”. Sounds like the kind of thing you name your child when you want him to murder you in your sleep someday.
Mom: They moved the funeral home.
Chris: Business was dying off.
Juanita: I’m related to my husband five different ways. He says he’s the only person in Jay County I could legally marry.
Juanita: St. Anthony takes care of us.
Mark: Her more than me.
Juanita: You’re not livin’ right.
Bea: We pray for you every week at Bible study. “Lord, please restore Ashley’s sanity.”
Ashley: I think it’s a little late for that.
Bea: “Lord, we know you’re a God of miracles…”
dad was talking about this meeting of evangelical leaders with trump and how many of them left disliking him even more.
Dad: And some of them refused to go.
Mom: Well, I don't blame them for that! 'Have nothing to do with the deeds of darkness.'
*I end up with two straws at dinner*
Anna: Put the other one in, too. Then you’ll have one for each nostril.
Aliyah: There is a baby!!,
Ashley: any deets?
Aliyah: Facebook tells me that it's a girl baby
Aliyah: I assume that it's small, and also baby-like
Gary: YOU HAVE SUMMONED ME FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL. AND YOUR CURTAINS ARE GODAWFUL.
[Chris is stripping the finish from an old secretary desk]
Chris: I didn’t realize what hot work stripping was!
Ashley: That sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Chris: Yes. Stripping that old secretary in the garage. I’ll put some chemicals on her and leave her overnight.
Ashley: I’ve been watching too much Forensic Files.
Chris: I need to get some mineral spirits.
Ashley: Do minerals HAVE spirits?
Mom: They’re not very high. But YOU will be if you breathe enough of it!
Diane: I am unfortunately interested in men, and that is a terrible dating pool.
Diane: Tiny houses were made for people like David.
Chris: Anybody that pays attention to Twitter gets what they deserve.
Nancy: I’m fine, having long since recovered from a bad bout of flu that turned into pneumonia back in March. I got sick the second day we were in our crummy new temporary offices in the windowless Woolworth building downtown. And the roof leaked directly into my office while I was out sick, plus my computer pretty much stopped working after being moved. Then the first time I went to the grocery after returning to work, a tree blew down on my car and caught on fire. It was a rough spring!
Tom: Canadian bacon!
Jess: It’s ham. Its round and pink, it’s ham.
Ashley: By that logic, I’M ham.
Tom: You’re round and pink?
Tom: No you’re not! You’re mostly oblong.
Jen, to her daughter, who was wearing too much glitter: You look like you’ve been mugged by Tinkerbell.
Gary, wearing a fedora: I look like Indiana Jones’s fat brother. Gary Indiana.
Jen: Alright, let’s walk.
Callie, in a wheelchair: This is me, walking.
Callie, showing off her party trick: I AM THE LAMEST X-MAN.
Ashley: The one who brings you presents.
Ashley: No, Krampus is the one who brings you menstrual pain.
Jen: They had me at “face bidet.”
Mom, after baking: Boy, look at all the dough I’ve got on me!
Ashley: I wish *I* had a lot of dough on me…
Grandma, on Trump: His mouth gets in gear about half an hour before his brain does.
Ashley: I was a good little girl.
Blair: What happened?
April: Did you know Carrie Fisher’s husband left her for Elizabeth Taylor?
Ashley: Really?? …Well, a LOT of men left their wives for Elizabeth Taylor…
Luke 1:18 And Zacharias said to the angel, “How will I be certain of this? For I am an old man and my wife is advanced in age.”
Bea: This is how we know Zacharias is a wise man. He doesn’t call his wife “old.”
Ashley: I’ve been to a few bad psychologists. Like that one who, when I went to her and told her I was depressed, asked me, “Can you think of anything you could do to make yourself feel better?”
Dad: Hard drinking.
[Dressing up people in toilet paper bridal gowns at a wedding shower]
Ashley: I vote we dress up Susan.
Susan: But I have to leave in like fifteen minutes.
Cortney: Then you can be a runaway bride!
Jess, typing on her phone: “Happy birthday, cousin!” There, that’s THAT family obligation taken care of!
Gary: I can’t be Australian and not be eccentric. It’s hard to be Australian and brood.
Gary: They look like a cross between rats and drug dealers.
Christen: So now I’m scared of cacti. I will cross the street to avoid them. The Devil’s plant!
Christen: My cleavage just said, “Hello, sweetie!”
Ashley: But what do I smell like?
Random person: GET IT, JASMINE!
Christen: You talkin’ smack to the king?!
Knights, to Catherine of Aragon: Hail, Your Majesty!
Henry VIII: Hello, Catherine.
Ashley, in a man’s voice: Hi, Cathy.
Ashley, in Bible study: The difference between a PA [physician’s assistant] and an MD [medical doctor] is that a PA actually listens to you.
Half the Bible study group: YES! EXACTLY!
Friend-of-a-friend: Dinner went much better than anticipated, and only one person came without her teeth!
Carrie: You raised us, and we turned out okay. We haven’t been in prison THAT often. The wolves were very impressed with how well trained I was.
Esther: Well, they know me.
*A baby is crying*
Christen: Put food in it. That’s my answer. It might need plugged; I don’t know.
Christen: I would make my consort dress in period costume at all times.
Jen: Make him wear a loincloth and a dubious expression.
Jess: My favorite characters from Voyager were Tupak… No, that wasn’t his name…
Ashley, laughing: Tuvok.
Jess: Yeah. Tuvok and Ch—chipotle?
Ashley: *dies laughing* Tupak and Chipotle!
Dad, regarding Trump: If you ever wondered if Christians would vote for the Devil if he ran as a Republican… the answer is yes.
Ashley: Jen’s kids went to high school with M. Night Shyamalan’s kids.
Mom: …Say that name again?
Ashley: M. Night Shyamalan. S-h-y-a-m-a-l-a-n.
Mom: Ohhh. I was trying to figure out what Emma Knight had to do with Spamalot.
Jess, on visiting Versailles: We saw Marie Antoinette’s cottage on the grounds. Girl was SLUMMIN’.
Overheard high school student: I don’t need you! I’m a strong, independent, happy American male!
Physics student: Oh my God, you CAN blow his pants off!
Student, on experiment outcome: It’s because I have zero percent error. Because I’m perfect.
Student 1: I got a job at Chuck-E-Cheese.
Student 2: Do you get to go into that playground even though you’re not five??
Overheard student: Can I just like, come and take a nap in your closet? Or would that be weird?
Student: I’m gonna rig the election. I’m gonna bring my friends. I’m gonna bring ALL my friends.
Ashley: You’re going to bring three people?
Student: Yeah, get the foreign exchange student to help you with your English!
Exchange student: But I’m really good at English!
Student: It’s like getting the dyslexic kid to help you with your math!
Ashley: Let’s use a tree instead of a creature. A tree doesn’t escape.
Jen: Unless it’s an ent. And then it escapes reeeeeeally slowly.
Jen: I, for one, will welcome our raven overlords.
*Jen removes her things from Gary’s shopping basket*
Gary: It’s like a great weight has been lifted off my forearm…
Ashley: What did you call me??