The Beadbonny Ash

First semester, in no particular order:

Meg Oldman, on her cell phone: You knew I wanted some of that for the longest time!! And by the time I get home, it'll be all gross! I can't believe you're having it without me!! That's just so unfair!!
...Oh, with venison? Never mind...

Topher: This is the strike that never ends, Yes it goes on and on my friends! Some people started packin' it, not knowin' what it was...

Student 1: Write it down!
Student 2: I'll write you down! And I'll read it every day!
Student 3: ...Yeah sure, cause that made lots of sense...

Aliyah: "Undulating squirrel." That just sounds dirty.

Dana: Ouch! What was that for?
Ashley: For being vulgar.
Dana: If I got hit every time I was vulgar, I'd be dead.

Ashley: You need to get one of those Wilson College tshirts they sell in the bookstore. The ones that say, "I don't go to a girls' school without men, I go to a women's college without boys."
Dee: I unfortunately go to a co-ed school lacking in men.

Ashley: And GUESS what tomorrow is!
Diane: One day closer to freedom???

Ashley Bird: You are so easily amused!

Pastor Todd: God is not your chihuahua!

Meg Oldman: I've given up on the conventions.
Ashley: What conventions?
Meg Oldman: Wearing pants...

Meg Oldman: My friend Mardy-- Actually, she's not my friend, because I HATE her...

Megs: Aw, my butt's ringing.

Sara Lewis: In my experience, drunk people end up in other people's showers.

Meg Oldman: Oh my God! F*** the White Witch!

Cornelius: The regular students. No, they're all "special". In their own, medicated ways. God bless the Wilson Woman.

Meg Oldman: Oh, Ashley Barner, you epitymee... you epitome... epitomize... Wait! I've got it! You epitomize "special".

Ashley, playing sardines with Agape: Oh come to the lav, Lord Jesus! There is room in my stall for thee!

Meg Oldman, with wild head shakes: Mama NO! Mama NO!

Becca: You're a little strange sometimes.
Ashley: So's everybody.
Becca: Yeah, but everybody doesn't snarf cherry soda out their eyeballs.

Meg Oldman, talking about WCGA: And they're like, Meg! Why don't you run for president? I'm I'm like, I'm sorry, but I kind of like having a soul.

Karen: Oh. "Things I've Missed for a hundred, Alex."

Megs: Miss Word keeps it neutral!

Megs: Diet Coke, please. I need the caffeine.
Jamie: Caffeine is really bad for you.
Laurie: That's okay. Her growth's already stunted.

Chaplain Kate: People in Connecticut are very crunchy granola.

Aliyah: The internet is a magical place!

Megs: Hey, you never know what might happen.

Ashley: Here. I'll show you.
Dana: But you're watching a movie!
Ashley: I can minimize it.
Dana sings: Minimize my bum...

Chaplain Kate: "It was night and there was sugar." I think a lot of stories start that way.

Ashley: Come on, Midget! Hurry up, Giant!
Dana: Shut up, Average-Sized Person!

Megs: ...Ashley, what are you doing in my wardrobe?
Ashley: Trying to find Narnia!

Megs: They need to clone Tim. He can play the guitar, drums, and piano!
Ashley: We'll take three Tims, please. We'll keep them in the closet when we're not using them.
Megs: Hey, I'll keep them in my closet!
Ashley: No! Then there won't be any room for me!

Ashley: Westover!
...Westover!
...Westover!
...HEY, MIDGET!
Megs: What?

Dana: Hi, knees! [You have to say this one fast]
You circled my wart! That's just rude!

Megs: You're so hot. Stop looking at me!

Heather: If I go in the barn, my face will explode.

Ligmie: I want to be a nerd, just like Dr. Adams.

Ashley: We can ask Corny how to say "whatever" in Old English.
Meg Oldman: And he'll be like, Oh no! I'm raising a bunch of losers.

Sarah: You could doodle.
Aliyah: Oh, yes! Give me an important-looking piece of paper, and I can make it an ungodly mess. ...That's my Strategic Plan.

Heather: Are you cold?
Ashley: No, I just shiver for fun.
Heather: Well, with you, you never know.

Aleah: You wanna know what I learned last winter? No matter how many layers of clothes you put on, if you sit in the snow, your butt still gets cold.

Nikki: Have you seen the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of my room? It's bigger than my roommate.

Ashley: I just don't know if she knows how much I know, you know?

Megan: I believe that God will bring me the right boy at the right time. But until such time as he does, I will gaze upon the face of Paul Pez-Lezney and call him my future husband.

Student at dinner, about a cupcake: The icing was a big disappointment Kind of like this school, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.

Emily: I'm too hot to put my clothes back on.

Chris: My black combat fatigues had catastrophic crotch failure.

Karen, after a camera flash: Ah! My retinas!

Megs, carrying Laurie's fish: He wants to live there! And his name is Albert!

Chris: And he kept saying, "I have an IEP!"
Ashley: It probably said, "Chronically annoying."
Chris: "Do not lynch."

Erin: And he threw up on me in ninth grade!

Ashley: ...Scrapple Fairy!

Suzanne: Yes! They're like, real, shiny oh-my-God with points!

Aliyah: My alarm clock goes, "Honey? Honey, it's time to get up.
...WAKE UP, B*TCH!

Ashley: We're Po rejects!

Dee, looking at a Kinkade painting: It's okay...
Ashley: But it doesn't have that...
Dee: Yeah.
Ashley: Yeah.

Dee: I'll learn not to procrastinate next year.

Aubrey: Oh, poopskittles.

Heather: Well, I better go feed my rat and my roommate...



Second Semester, in general chronological order:

Dee: I wonder how much space in my head is taken up with movies?

Grant: Dreamy Will Turner!

Megs, to Dana: You're so mean, but I miss your hatefulness!

Ashley: My face!
Dana: You don't need that...

Laurie: Didn't it go so well?
Karen: That's like saying Jesus didn't have such a good time at the crucifixion.
...I look like a sunset threw up on my head.

Dee: I can't think of anything that doesn't sound stupid. Like, boy, I miss being human!

Sarah: I should refrain from playing Hangman with English majors.

Heather: Mmm. Carbon.

Westover: Ouch! I just sat on my peanuts!

Dana: ...
Bastards.

Kate Welteroth: All's fair in love and war. And sometimes checkers.

Ashley: Oh, I don't mind talking to you; I'm just not likely to have a burning desire to call you.
Justin: Oo, you said burning desire.
Ashley: In conjunction with, not likely.

Sarah: Covet!

Dana: I'll pee on your foot.

Sarah, at Montezuma: Quiero... rice, and uh... that, actually.

Ashley: [belches] Excuse me!
Becca: No.
Ashley: Aww...
Becca: Oh, alright.

Dee: It's bad when the pastor is talking about God, and all you can think of is a blue alien in a bellhop's uniform.

Librarian: What's plagiarism?
Jimenez: Bad.

Heather: The prayer chapel! Ican add it to the list of places I've slept!
Becca: You've slept around too much, Heather.

Aubrey: I don't like to use toilet paper.

Meg Oldman: Yeah, Sindarin's like the street version [of Quenya].
Ashley: Mae govannen! Homie-nin!
Meg Oldman: Ohhh. That did not just come out of my mouth.

Heather: And Aliyah tasted [the jalipeno] and said, "It's not hot!" So I thought maybe it was broken.

Ashley, on the windowsill: Escape! Escape!

Aliyah: I'm fading!

Ashley: My night class makes me want to poke out my eyes with my pen.
Dee: Don't poke out your eyes.
Poke out someone else's...

At dinner: I'm gonna have to duct tape that girl's clothes on...

Heather: So then I married it so it would stop eating people.

Dr. Wackwitz, after writing dirty words in huge letters all over the board: I really hope David True has class in here after me...

Aliyah: Heather, can I glue things to you?

Ashley: Wood bison!

Sarah: I can't stay long. I have some homework I have to put off.

Leah: Hey, what's this? AAAAH!

Becca: That was my first experience of cutlure shock: when I found someone [living] on the mountain who didn't have a gun.

Jamie: I can be girly and kill things at the same time.

Becca: I tried to get an LJ. God said No.

Karen: Where are we going?
Laurie: Mars.
Megan: My pap's house.
Karen: Where's that?
Chaplain Kate: Mars.

Becca: You know, I like women and all, but...

Laurie: If I were God, everyone would have a poodle.

Jamie: Isn't your life one big Jesus high?

Laurie: The tiger puppies were so cute. And by puppies, I mean kittens.

Jamie: HA HA HA.
...I mean, Cool.

Autumn: That's not the pencil sharpener...

Jamie: "My God!"
"No! I told you before! It's Jamie in public!"

Westover: "Thanks, God, that I'm not stupid, like this person."
Karen: And God's like, "Yeah, I made that person."

Sarah Kann: I annotated Jesus!

Dee: We're just too amazing for our own good.

Aliyah: Who stands in the middle of campus and discusses the Apocrypha?
[pause]
[Heather and Ashley raise their hands]

Ashley: Hugs! Hugs?
Heather: Hugs.
Becca: Humanitarian Unity Gestures!

Heather: ¡Refrescos gratis!

Becca: Have you ever chased a weiner dog through the woods? It's embarrassing.

Caryn: I have a Bible and enjoy meat.

Becca: I could never go into the medical field. It's too squishy.

Secretary: The healthcare speaker has cancelled due to illness...

Becca: In Disney, animals don't crap.

Lane: And it was known that little dogs come from friars.

Becca: She can have my ovaries. I don't want them.

Dana: I'll hit you with my all-knowing hips!
Ashley: All-knowing hips, huh? Does that mean you have a smart ass?

Becca: Somebody challenged me to a sugar-eating contest. I don't remember what happened after that...

Megs: He comes up with magical issues.
Ashley: They sparkle with fairy dust.
Megs: I'll sparkle him with fairy dust.

Ashley: It's cold...
Kate: I know. I hate your face and its stupid barometer!

Sarah: There's too many dukes and whatchamacallits and whosits...
Ashley: Lords?
Sarah: Yeah.

Student: "Romeo and Juliet". It's all about Nazis.

Becca: We were swordfighting with cucumbers. We fought with much stranger things. French toast doesn't hold up too well.

Sarah: We have come to an understanding, the garden and I. I stay away from it, and it doesn't bother me.

Bernie: The tuba's here!

Megs: Hang on. I am going to pee, and then I will tell you.

Env Sci: Faster, Amy, faster! The fish are laughing!

Dee: Sweet dreams of tortured elves!
Ashley: oooo
Dee: We're so weird.

Eileen: You can be my shiny half.

Heather: You are not toasting marshmallows over my flaming corpse!

Aubrey: They went in a cave, and they got lost.
JMark: They were kerplunking.

JHuseman: You guys are not going to believe this, but I just got a fortuneless fortune cookie.

Becca Cheeck, on a 15-minute presentation: This author is so brilliant, I think we should have 13 minutes of silence in his honor.

Laurie: I see you're wearing your size-eight jeans today...

Aliyah: That makes me squee inside!

Ashley: That would be embarrassing.
Heather: Yeah. "VMT Student Slaughtered by Weiner Dogs".

Aliyah: "Are you going to church?"
"No, Grandma, I'm not."
"Why not?"
"Grandma, I'm Muslim!"

Ashley: Dont' give me sugar, or I'll start telling Bible stories!

Aliyah: I like visiting the Sharpe House. I like knowing where my tuition dollars are going.

Ashley: Yay! No muggins! Ashley sucks! Wheeeee!

Heather: Aliyah found Oregon Trail online! Unfortunately, you, Sarah, and Becca are dead, and Aliyah has typhoid.

Becca: What are you up to?
Ashley: Reading fanfic.
Becca: Another one of those, "God showed up at my surprise birthday part for Legolas" fanfics, or is it a good one?

Overheard: We're all like, girls, or women, or whatever the hell we are.

Becca: I went to see Hinduism in its natural environment and found holy elephants.

Cindy: The dancing and the touching and the ew.

Cornelius: The Romans thought Christians were a bunch of Kool-Aid drinking weirdos. Which they weren't. There was no Kool-Aid in the Roman Empire.

Heather, cutting open a package with her key: We make an incision along the linia alba...

Becca: What's that sticking out of your mouth? I can't leave you unsupervised!

Heather: What's the name of the surgical correction of a urinary blockage?
Becca: Bob.

Heather: Where's phosphorus on the periodic table?
Ashley: You're asking the wrong person. I haven't had chemistry since tenth grade.
Heather: Really?
Ashley: Yeah! English major!
[long pause]
Heather: Is phosphorus a gas?
Ashley: Asking the wrong person!
[short pause]
Heather: ...How do you spell "phosphorus"?
Ashley [immediately]: P-H-O-S-P-H-O-R-U-S.