Dr. Z: She said she was thinking about going. But she also said she’d send me her work.
Andrea: Well, she could be at death’s door and she’d still be trying to do that.
Dr. Z: She’s a great example for all of you.
Ashley: If you’re dying, send your homework!
Kristina: A Victorian work ethic.
Ashley: Oh, Victorian…. Ohhhhhh.
*discussing spicy foods*
John: My dad’s Texan and my mom’s Indian. So I could eat lava and I’d be fine.
Priya: Sometimes when I call home I tell my mother that I ate beef. My mother’s like, “Oh. You ate beef, hmm? That’s nice. Why don’t you eat some dog next?” I’m like, “Mom, they don’t eat dog here—” and my mother’s going, “WHY DON’T YOU JUST EAT SOMETHING DEAD ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, HMM?”
[When you’re doing the “play” in cribbage, you take turns laying down cards and adding them up. Oftentimes, if one of us lays a ten on top of whatever the other person played, we’ll just add “-teen” to whatever they said. “Four.” “-teen.” This evening I decided to be funny and say mine in Spanish. It didn’t work out well.]
[Dec. 7: Dad sent me a video of a Les Mis flashmob where people sang “One Day More”. I then emailed him asking him something about renewing my antivirus software.]
Dad: There are some free ones that can be installed. When does your coverage expire?
Me: Tomorrow is the judgement day! Tomorrow is the start of what our God in heaven has in store! One more dawn! One more day! One day moooooooore!!!!
Dad: No, the Mayan Apocalypse is Dec. 21.
[overheard at contra dance]
Person 1: We’re free-range boys!
Person 2: Hormone-free!
Person 1: I wouldn’t say THAT…
[Don’t remember who said this]
Not being able to text would be terrible! My students wouldn’t know what to try to get away with!
[Overheard convo amongst my students as the came into the classroom]
Person 1: What’s up?
Person1: Oh, you know, the uzh—gettin’ an education an' shit.
[Comparing the length of scientific articles vs English lit ones. Eng lit are significantly longer.]
Jeremy: Oh, the humanities!
[Sweet little old Martha took so long getting the cheesecake out of the basement the last time we ate at her house, we decided she had a secret scientific lab down there.]
Jeremy, doing an Igor voice: Yes, Miss Martha. Igor fetch brain.
We told Veda, this sweet, little, even-older lady in our church about this joke. She responded, “She’s cooking meth.”
[Someone told the story about the lady who thought she'd been shot in the back of the head because her biscuit dough exploded and hit her when she was in the car]
Jim: She went off half-baked!
Mom: Does that card have a name?
Me: …uh… The card that got turned up?
Mom: Okay, I just figured, this is cribbage, it probably has some crazy name. Like “shin splints” or something.
Mom: What was the bang?
Me: I found a stink-bug on the wall. I didn't know if it'd stink if I smashed it, so I trapped it under a dixie cup and put a jar of vaseline on top to weigh it down. Then the suction cup holding my poof fell down in the shower and made a loud noise and I thought for a second the bug had gotten out and that it was REALLY STRONG! I jumped about three inches!
Told Chris about a post that's been showing up on Tumblr about how history is hilarious because there were once three people who all declared themselves Pope and then excommunicated each other. And Lichtenstein once sent out an army of forty men to Italy and they came back with forty-one.
Ash: Apparently some Italian thought Lichtenstein sounded pretty great.
Chris: Lichtenstein has fewer popes.
Chris: We should get a physicist and a historian and ask them what happens if a pope and an antipope collide.
Ash: Maybe they’ll figure that out with the cern collider. …Now I’m visualizing tiny molecules in long white robes with crazy hats! And they press something on their crosiers and they turn into lightsabers!
Ash: I also love the papel crown. Like, one crown is not enough. I need three!
Chris: They repel antipopes.
Ash: Like satellite dishes? “Your Holiness, your hat is flashing red…”
Chris: “Just get that guy away from me.”
Ash: “It’s alright. I’m just a little too close to France.”
[We told Zach about Grandma's adventures in copying some old studio photos. We got them copied at Walmart, but Walmart confiscated them because they had a photographer's mark on them, so they were copyrighted.]
Chris: They arrested her. Took her down to the station. They kept her overnight.
Ash: We had to bail her out. Two thousand dollars, can you believe it?
Chris: She had to shank two druggies.
Zach: My grandma has a teardrop tattoo. …Sounds like a Lifetime movie.
Heather, playing rough with the cat: It wouldn’t be a trip to Ashley’s if I didn’t get bitten by a cat.
[Played Bible Trivia with Heather when she was visiting.]
Heather, after a discussion about Bible characters who had slain lions and/or bears: Didn’t Solomon or somebody sleep in a bear carcass?
Ash: …THAT’S STAR WARS.
[Still playing Bible Trivia]
Ash: Who in the Old Testament murdered his seventy half-brothers?
Heather: …Good gravy.
[Sarah tells us how they stopped selling Vanilla Coke on PEI after it had gotten really popular and how you can sell a can of Coke for several dollars.]
Heather: You should become a Coke dealer!
Heather, on Peter Jackson's take on Radagast the Brown: I saw him as more St. Francis and less crazy pigeon lady.