I am ungodly behind on posting these... Language warning!

Mom: I eat round things for breakfast. For lunch, I eat long things.

Teri, to Bea, who is gluten-intolerant and can't handle the scent of perfume: I’m a hugger. I’m not wearing any perfume, so you’re okay. And I don’t have any gluten in my pockets.
Ashley, sings: Feed the birds, and piss off Bea, / Gluten, gluten, not gluten-free! / Feed the birds, that’s what she cries, / While, overhead, Bea’s screams fill the skies!

Christen: Top o’ the mornin’, Brother Paisley!

Carrie: Don’t judge my muppet!

Ashley: Jen, your cat is gaslighting me.

Ashley: i just spelled maimonides MAIDmonides
Ashley: i can't tell if that's a genderbent jewish philosopher or a jewish philosopher who's half fish
Jen: por que no las dos?
Jen: exactly

Christian radio: Love is heaven's currency.
Me, with hearing problems: Who's Kevin?

Ashley: Did you see that bag? “One cat short of crazy”?
Mom: Yes! I don’t think we’re one cat short of crazy.
Ashley: I don’t think we’re one cat short of ANYTHING. Except maybe a health violation.

Ashley: I have an ob/gyn appointment today to talk about my three-week-long periods.
Dad: Boy, that sounds more like a semicolon! Or an ellipsis.
Ashley: Definitely an ellipsis.

Linda: I saw that photo of you and Ashley on Facebook.
Mom: Did you like our matching shirts?
Linda: Oh—were you wearing matching shirts?
Mom: Yeah, we bought them yesterday.
Linda: Now I feel bad that I didn’t notice it.
Dad: Don’t feel bad. I had lunch with them both and didn’t notice it.

Devona at infant dedication: Here is a Bible, and it’s a board book, so when he chews on it he won’t get the paper in his mouth.
Bea: Chew on the word of God!
Ashley: Taste and see that Lord is good!

Devona, doing infant dedication for her grandson: Doesn’t he look like grandma? [To daughter] …What do you mean, “No, he’s good-looking”??

Devona: He slobbers a lot.
Scott: That IS like grandma!
Bea: Next will be a service of excommunication…

Devona: Next Sunday is the Easter egg hunt. If you want to help, please show up! If you have children, please bring them!
Cortney: If you don’t have any… find some!

*just after a lesson on Shinto*
Bea: I got it on the first try!
Ashley: The kami helped you!
Bea: Does that make me a kami-nist?

Friend: It really bugs me that things like Spotify and Pandora ask for your gender and don’t have a nonbinary option.--
Me: *wondering if my friend, who has recently gotten a very gender-neutral haircut, is going to come out to me as nonbinary*
Friend: --Because I am SO SICK of getting gendered ads! I just want to click a nonbinary option so they STOP TRYING TO SELL ME BIRTH CONTROL AND FERTILITY PRODUCTS!

Dad: *makes a joke about cooties, and Mom and I don’t get it*
Dad: That’s what you say to get rid of cooties. “Cooties, don’t come back!”
Ashley: That’s not what *I* said as a kid…
Mom: Me neither.
Ashley: We said, “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you got your cootie shot!”
Mom and Dad: O_O
Dad: Wow, advances in technology!
Mom: How did I work at the school you went to and never heard that chant until now??
Ashley: I don’t know! …What did they say when YOU were a kid?
Dad: Well, you had to start by sacrificing a dinosaur…

Linda: I talked to [name redacted] on the phone—he sounded like a different person! He actually sounded INTELLIGENT!

Jess: *sings* You caaaan’t depend on a hip thrust…


Ashley: I didn’t mind Death, but the Devil freaked me out.

Luann: No planets over here. Teeheehee.

Jen, during a job interview: She charges it every night. She’s basically like Iron Man, only it’s not her heart, it’s her butt.

Jen, during the same job interview: I don’t hate men, but they do make me tired. …With the exception of my son. He doesn’t make me tired. But then, he was raised by a rabid feminist.

Ashley on Facebook: Welp, I’m going to have to officially give up coffee. Makes me sick.
Cordell from youth group: That’s like giving up Jesus. You can’t do that 😂

Pastor Dale: This is the day that the Lord has made!
Congregation: We will rejoice and be glad in it!
Pastor Dale: One more time!
Cortney: You can’t tell me what to do!

*Watching World of Dance*
Ashley, talking back at the contestants:
And you’re gonna lose. How are you gonna deal with that?
Tommy: The honorable thing would be seppuku.

Cortney: The last time I had alcohol, I was at this big get-together, and I got into a very heated discussion of The Bachelorette. …Of course, I would have probably done that sober, anyway.

Ash: I tried to type "fairy tale princess superheroes" and instead I typed "fairy tale princess superhoes."
Jen, in valley girl voice: this shoe doesn't fit, but this condom might!

A woman who went in for a rectal exam: And the doctor comes in, and behind him is this handsome young intern. And I was like, Oh no! The only thing worse than ONE man up your butt is TWO men up your butt!!

Ashley: how are you?
Jen: Ok, you?
Ashley: supes depressed *thumbs-up emoji*
Jen: Oh no
Ashley: oh yes lol
Jen: Did something happen?
Ashley: just my life

Trish: How did your shoot go?
Jenn, a photographer: Great.
Ty: She killed five people.
Jenn: I have another one at three.
Ty: She’s going for ten.

Kid, whining: I want a watch!
Mother, exasperated: I’ll get you—Maybe you’ll get one for Christmas.
(nice save, mom!)

Barb: Umizoomies! They solve problems with math.
Zach: No problem has ever been solved with math.

The tech at the doctor’s office today is my hero.
Me: I like your boots!
Tech: Thanks! My boyfriend doesn’t like them. So I make sure to wear them a LOT.

Ashley: *goes to Walmart, gets in the motorized cart, and drives off very slowly singing Ride of the Valkyries*
Mom: Just don’t come back with dead bodies in the basket!

Cortney: We need the Mythbusters to test this hypothesis.
Ashley: “First, we’re going to carve a Styrofoam model. Then we’re going to cover it in peanut butter, and finally, try to paint it hot pink—in the DARK.”
Cortney, laughing so hard she’s almost crying: WHAT???

Tommy: I like BOTH kinds of food: Italian AND Chinese.

Quote from Bull: Feigned normalcy. Something we can all aspire to.

Nurse, handing me two cups: Water, urine cup.
Me: Don’t mix them up.

Ashley: *walks into a crowded room, realizes she forgot something, goes out, comes back a minute later*
Dale: That was weird. I saw you walk in, and though, “Oh, there’s Ashley,” and then I turned away to speak to somebody, and I looked back, and you walked in again!

Cortney, gesturing in a circle: Three hundred and sixty: lobsters.

Mom, telling the story about the Amishman: “So I bit his big toe whenever they needed me to.”
Dad, in amish accent: Jakey! What are you doin?!

Ashley: well, I think the groundhog saw his shadow. Because it’s sunny AND clearly wintry.
Dad: the groundhog said early spring.
Ashley: he’s CRAZY. …of course, it depends which groundhog you ask.
Dad: there’s only one you should trust!...
*laughter, because as Pennsylvanians we know it’s only punxatawney phil*
Dad: A dead one.

*dad walks into the kitchen. Mom is in there, eating a popsicle*
Mom: Before you ask, it was in my way, so I ate it.

Cortney: What essential oil do you use to get people to stop talking to you?
Ashley: Mace.

*Ashley and Jen speaking Spanish to one another in funny voices*
Ashley: Donde esta el Izze?
Jen: Ah! En la biblioteca! *opens the fridge*

i'm a freaking mess.

i'm one rheumatologist's appointment away from being diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. and it comes with a host of emotional issues. and boy, am i feeling them.

All chronic illness carries with it a burden of complex emotions. In that respect, CFS/ME is no different. Many patients have an acute onset to their CFS/ME. They move suddenly from a situation of good health and full activity to a situation of pain, exhaustion and inability. Previous activities which gave identity and meaning to life are no longer possible. The prognosis is uncertain and patients do not know how long their illness will last. They don’t even know if they will recover. In common with other chronic illness, feelings of frustration, isolation, loss of self esteem and even despair are part of the unwelcome package of emotions that have to be coped with.

In CFS/ME, the controversy over the nature of the illness can raise particular problems. It is difficult for both doctors and patients to deal with an illness where all tests and investigations give negative results. Patients often feel that they are battling against disbelief to communicate that they are exhausted or in pain and that that they are genuinely unable to carry out activities they were previously able to do without difficulty. The role of the doctor can become very perplexing in a situation which lacks the clarity of a clear diagnosis supported by abnormal test results. Doctors may fear that they are colluding with the patient if they accept that the patient is really ill. Yet where acceptance is withheld, patients can, and usually do, feel blamed for becoming ill.

Many patients report feeling isolated and stigmatised – as much by being unable to explain to others why they are ill, as from the restrictions imposed by the illness itself.

Where the experience of an individual is not validated, this can leave a difficult vacuum where full expression of anger or loss or fear does not feel permissible. Powerful and painful feelings are not acknowledged as reasonable responses to the situation and are therefore not processed.

The mental fatigue associated with CFS/ME may also make effective emotional processing more difficult. Patients commonly report that mental fatigue (often described as ‘brain fog’) reduces their ability to analyse feelings and to connect emotions with events in a coherent pattern. Many patients report increased emotional lability. As yet, we do not understand the mechanism for either of these effects.

...Maintaining factors [for chronic fatigue syndrome] may include: Catastrophic illness beliefs by patients, carers or health professionals (for example, believing that CFS/ME is untreatable and recovery is not possible)

Well, at the moment I'm not feeling as catastrophic as I was a couple of days ago: that my life was over and that I could never get better. But I'm still pretty skeptical, emotionally exhausted, and emotionally labile. It's like my heart is an open wound and the slightest touch hurts. And there's also the complex emotions that come with that emotional lability. I feel guilty for it, especially for my irritability (both irritability and emotional lability are VERY common symptoms of CFS). When I get irritable with people, I upset them, and then I feel guilty. And I feel guilty for my own feelings and for not controlling them better--when it's debateable how much control over them I actually have at this point, considering the CFS. And then I feel like I'm trying to come up with excuses for my bad behavior. And then I feel like my behavior wasn't that bad and people shouldn't over-exaggerate and can't they see I'm suffering here?? And then I feel angry and guilty and sad all at once...

Like I said, I'm a mess. I feel like a cat: I want to be hugged ALL THE TIME except when I DON'T and even when people do things to support me emotionally, even *I* can never predict what my reactions to their reassurances are going to be. Sometimes they're sarcastic, bitter, and disbelieving, even when the person is giving me exactly what I thought I wanted.

I'm such a fucking mess.

(no subject)

Ashley: I’m allergic to rat feet. Not rat fur, just rat feet.
Bea: So you just need a quadriplegic rat.
Ashley: Well, I’m allergic to their tails, too.

Ashley: That’s basically just a toilet paper roll with a head.
Bea: Little rat loaf!

Student: I’m just gonna assume it’s legal.

Mom: I dropped a needle!
*Ashley and Mom move the chair, search the floor for the needle*
Mom: Here. *Lifts seat cushion of the armchair she was sitting in*
Ashley: There it is! *picks up needle and hands it to Mom*
Mom: Oh, bless you!
Mom: ...
Mom: That's a different needle.
Ashley: That's the scariest thing I've heard yet!

Bea: What are you hoping to get out of this [church group] study?
Roger: I’m hoping to get ammunition to judge people harshly.

Bea: I used to pray and then I’d realize, *gasp* I didn’t say amen! He’s still listening! Did I think anything bad about anybody??
Debby: You didn’t hang up!
Ashley: You butt-dialed Jesus, Bea!

Ashley: “Metanoia.” Is that being paranoid about your paranoia?

Ashley: I was thinking about the bar sinister, which comes from the left. And then I was trying to come up with the term for a bar that comes from the right, and all I could think of was “bar rectum”. And I’m like, NO THAT’S NOT IT. Maybe “bar rectum” comes up from the bottom!
Dad: Don’t get anal about it. Don’t get all hung up on your rect-itude.
Ashley: I’m focusing on the fundament-als. …We make the most sophisticated butt jokes you’ve ever heard!
Mom: You’re really ass-erting yourself.

Boy: I can’t imagine either of you fighting.
Girl: You wanna go? You wanna go? I’ll put my hair back—I’ve got a hair-tie! Here, hold my earrings.

Bea: I wished the kids a happy Columbus Day, and added, “Or happy First Nations Day. Because, you know, genocide.” And Grace goes, “Celebrate murder!” And now… You know the song that goes, “Celll-ebrate Jesus, Celebrate”? Well, I’ve got it stuck in my head like this: *sings* “Celll-ebrate murder, celebrate! *claps* Genocide, genocide, gen-ocide!”

Cortney: They’ve got different skin colors on emojis now! Look! *taps random gestural emoji and a range of different skin colors flips me off* NOT THAT ONE!

Student: She’s a doctor of literature, not health, you dinguses!

Debbie: I think SOME days I’m a spirit-filled follower… Other days, I think there’s a leak.

Librarian I subbed for: One of the kids goes, “Dr. B kicked us out for study hall lunch!” And the other one goes, “Yeah, imagine that, her doing her job.”

Jen: What do you feel like for dinner?
Ashley: I dunno.
Jen: *squeezes Ashley’s leg* Mm… I think you feel like soft tacos.

Carrie: People love Christmas caroling, but show-tune caroling is GREAT, because nobody expects it at ANY time.
Ashley: What?
Carrie: We used to do that in high school! In the spring. We’d just go from house to house and stand on their lawns and sing show tunes…
Ashley: That’s GREAT. Did you carry a sign explaining?
Carrie: No, we just ran. We never explained ANYTHING. Just left them confused.

Ashley: *flops onto the bed*
Mom: *laughing* That was dramatic.
Ashley: I am… le mort.
Mom: Could you try being le less?

ACA representative: You’re not currently incarcerated? *laughing*
Me: Noooo
ACA rep: Not yet, right?
Me: *laughing* Well, I haven’t gone postal YET…
ACA rep: It’s only 9 AM.

Bill: And I say to him, “You’re diabetic! You’re not supposed to be eating sugar!” And he goes, “That’s what I take pills for.” And I said, “They’re not supposed to fix stupid!”

Dr. Mills, on the parable of the talents: So if you have a special ability, you better be using it. For instance, if you have the ability to play the drums, WALLY…
Entire congregation: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Teacher: If you were beautiful but had no actual skills—
Ashley: What do you mean, “if”?

Bea: You should write a book with that title. “Suddenly: Rabbis!”

Two students in unison: Your FACE is restricted!

Student: You have no rights. You’re classified as a potato.

Spanish student: You’re muy wetto.

Bea: What’s introspection?
Patti: Looking inside yourself.
My brain: Endoscopy?
Patti: Looking DEEP inside yourself.
My brain: Colonoscopy?

Sheenah: And I said, “My husband was right all along! I can’t believe it!”

April: “Naughty” is just another word for “fun.”

Bea to her tablet: Why are you doing this??
Me: It doesn’t like you.
Bea: Who does?
Me: Oh, I love you! *hugs her*
Bea: See, that’s what I like about you. Low standards.

Chris: I dreamed we were trying Ozzie for war crimes.
Ashley: For what? Being too cute?
Chris: I don’t know, but when I put him in the carrier to take him off to prison I had to remove the soldering iron he had sneaked in there.

Jen: What do you want for lunch?
Ashley: We can do something easy and cheap. Like—
Jen: Like my men?
Ashley: …
Jen: Easy and cheap?
Ashley: …
Ashley: Oh my God.

Dad: She is of the herbivorous persuasion. Ovo-lego-rastafarian.

Ashley, washing dishes: Is this date container getting saved?
Mom: Yes, it’s Grandma’s.
Ashley: …
Ashley: SAVE THE DATE!!!

Pastor, talking about his wife: She used to be called Pat. We changed her name to Patti to protect the innocent.

*about to write a Jane Eyre spin-off*
Jen: ok lemme get in the correct mood *covers self in ravens and dirt*
Ashley: lol
Jen: also, not doing first person.
Ashley: ok
Jen: we hates it, precious
Ashley: that IS first person
Ashley: plural
Jen: yes and that was my opening gambit, so make of it what you will

*live-action movie begins*
Carrie: I thought Balto was a cartoon?
Mark, in a voice of long-suffering: Everyone does.

Mom: I feel like I’m in your way.
Ashley: Well, you are a little, but it’s okay. I have patience.
Mom: Do you?
Ashley: Yes.
Mom: I thought you weren’t that kind of doctor. :D
Ashley: …
Ashley: What?

*at lunch*
Chris: A nurse asked me one time if I was pregnant. I said, “If I am, we’re both gonna be famous.”
Mom: Couldn’t she tell by looking at you?
Dad: It’s 2018. You never know.
Chris: “She asked if I was pregnant. Which is funny, because I identify as an ornate house in the suburbs.” …I could give birth to a shed!
Ashley: Or twins, and we could call you “Two-Sheds”!
Dad: Or triplets, and you could be three sheds to the wind!
Ashley: And people wonder where I get it from…
Mom, about to peel an apple: Please pass the knife. …I want to kill myself.
Dad: Remember, I developed this in self-defense!

Nurse at sleep study: We lost your right leg monitor.
Ashley: You lost my right leg!
Nurse: Yeah! My son has a prosthetic, so only in our house is it normal to hear someone say, “Where is your leg? Where did you take it off?”

Nurse: My son had his leg amputated at 18 months. I swear, he would freak people out with it on purpose. He liked the reactions he got. We were at Applebee’s one time and the waitress was headed toward our table, so he pulled off his leg and stuck it on the table. I was like, “GET your leg off the table!” and the waitress was like, “*sputtering noises*”.

At Italian restaurant
Ashley: How was your gnocchi?
Rose: Gnocchi-dokey!

Jess: I love cookies with academia nuts.

Ashley: woot my doc got me an appt with internal medicine
Jen: Good, what will they be doing?
Ashley: trying to figure out what the ever-lovin f*** is wrong with me :D

Ashley: i wouldn't mind the fringe so much if it weren't for the lungs
Jen: that's not a sentence you get to say every day

Ashley: Hey Moooom, you want some friiiiies??
Mom: Get thee behind me, Satan.
badfic quote

(no subject)

I dreamed last night that I was RPing as an old-west sheriff in the Harry Potter universe, with wands. At one point a bunch of people had to put aside their differences and get together to defeat the Big Bad (there was a haunted house, and if you crossed your wands [i don't know why we had two?] you could feel something pushing hard against them, which was weird), I got to know the worst outlaw in our town, and she was this BEAUTIFUL Asian or Native American/Hispanic girl with curling black hair, and we got on like a house on fire because we were both Ravenclaws. (Also, we established, by asking McGonagall, that Hogwarts totally rents out the Sorting Hat to corporations who want to do personality test stuff with their employees.) And, since I was RPing, I was like, what if my character is bi and she ends up falling in love with this other woman! ...What would my HUSBAND think of that??

So, as Jen puts it, then I went home to see who my husband was. And I had made an agreement with him that HE was the boss when I was in the house and being his wife, even though I clearly had a masculine and in-charge role outside the home. And so when I got home and was in my big poofy 1860s dress and corset, he had found out I was interested in somebody else and he was being really snarky and cruel and aggressive and I was being all sad and shrinking about it. THEN some men from town showed up and were like, Sheriff! We need you in town! That big crackling field of energy we sometimes have to get together and shoot at has shown up again! If we shoot it enough it might open an interdimensional doorway, and you'll have to go through it first because you're the Sheriff! And I was like, Give me ONE MINUTE to put on my black leathers and my kickass black sheriff's hat. And as I was coming back out as the Sheriff my husband was making this nasty comment to my sister-in-law, like, If she dies doing this I'm only wearing mourning for six months, and I was like, IF I DIE DOING THIS YOU ARE GOING TO WEAR MOURNING FOR TWO YEARS. MOUNT UP BOYS; IT'S TIME TO GO FIRE AN AUTOMATIC MACHINE GUN AT AN INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL! and I went off and fought alien technology with my gorgeous outlaw girl-crush.

(no subject)

The first two years I lived in Ohio, I lived right across the street from a cemetery. I used to go walking there all the time: It was a beautiful, quiet place, and from the top of the hill you could see for miles.

There were a few stones and monuments that interested me--the ones at the top of the hill were from the nineteenth century--but for the most part, I didn't pay much attention to the names and dates.

One day, I was walking in the cemetery, and I thought, What if somebody came and wanted to know where a loved one was buried? I wouldn't be able to tell them where they were. Maybe I should pay more attention to the stones. So I started reading the names as I passed the stones, saying them in my head, trying to remember about where they were in the cemetery.

As I was about to leave, after like fifteen minutes of this, a car drove into the cemetery, and they stopped beside me and put down the window. "I'm looking for my dad's grave," a young man said. "I've never been here before. Have you seen a grave with the last name Solomon on it?"

"Yeah," I answered--"See that clump of shrubs near the top of the hill? There's a few Solomons buried there."

He thanked me. "I've never been to my dad's grave," he repeated, and drove up the hill. I paused by the gate and watched him kneel beside one of the stones.

You can't tell me God didn't arrange that.

Quoteboard update

*mom re-enters the house Sunday morning*
Mom: Just me!
Ashley: What happened?
Mom: I grabbed the wrong bag. Can’t teach Sunday School with my swim bag!

Sam: I’ve never ridden a horse before.
Caleb: Don’t pop any wheelies.

Ashley: It’s not the sort of story you usually see on a flannelgraph.
Mom: You’re really dating yourself.
Ashley: Well, SOMEBODY’S got to!

Mom, updating her diary: What did we do on Thursday?
Ashley: I washed dishes. I was depressed. ...That's all *I* did!
Mom: You went swimming with me!
Ashley: Yes. And then I was depressed and washed dishes.

Mom: So I'm reading this book, set in World War I. It's a lot like that soap opera on PBS... what's its name?
Ashley: A *soap opera* on *PBS*??
Mom: Yeah! You know, it's really popular... What's it called?
Ashley: ...Is it Dow--
Mom: Downton Abbey!
Ashley: *dying of laughter* SOAP OPERA!!?!
Mom: Well, it basically IS!
Ashley: *can't stop laughing*

*murder mystery dinner*
Jess: *sings* Everybody murders somebody sometime…

Melissa: We’re here to have some good, clean fun!
Ashley: Yeah! An evening of gossiping and murder!

Grace: I made a really cute Sim girl to be my neighbor, and then they deleted her hair and her shirt, so she’s running around bald and naked!

Ashley: Have you read that thing on Amazon about the sugar-free gummi bears that give people explosive diarrhea?
Quinton: There’s another kind that makes you horribly constipated.
Grace: The two horsemen of the apocalypse.

Mom: Think of the fun you could have with a medium!
Ashley: You’d have to come up with a crazy story beforehand about your family member’s death... Like they died in a hot-air balloon accident.
Mom: And then be like, “Can you explain what happened with the hot air balloon?”
Ashley: And they’d be like, “Oh, the canvas tore.” And you’d be like, “...And the explosion?”
Mom: “We’ve always wondered.”
Ashley: “Could you explain the bit with the poodle?”

Ashley, at a family carry-in: If I explode, bury me nicely.

*the microwave is running*
Ashley, imitating the food in the microwave: Pop!
Mom: It’s not even a weasel.
Ashley: I’d be pretty upset if you were microwaving a weasel, Mom.
Mom: Not half so upset as the weasel.

Emily: If God told you he’d give you every place you set your foot, what would you do?

Emily: Can you be rich if you don’t have money?
Bryson: Rich in turtles!

Emily, telling the story of Jericho: They came to find the spies because they heard they were there. ...So they weren’t very good spies.

Emily: So Rahab hid them up on the roof! Under the... under the...
Ashley: Stuff. Under the stuff.
Emily: Yeah, what’s it called...
Cole: Fishsticks!
Emily: She hid them under the fishsticks.

Emily: Did you know Miss Ashley’s a doctor? Do you know how many years she went to school after high school to be a doctor?
Ashley: (*thinks* Does Emily even know how many years it was?)
Emily: Like, eight hundred years!
Ashley: ...Yes. Exactly.

Mom: I once saw a guy walk into a sign while texting. He apologized to it.

Natasha: Bruno Mars is 34.
Grace: Wow, he looks REALLY GOOD for 34.
Ashley: ...

Ashley: So for this skit, you go to church... and then we crucify your sister. Think you can handle that?
Ally: Yep!

Natasha: I love how [the cast on Criminal Minds] call Garcia, and they're like, "Okay, this man is white, he's probably been four years old before, and he has brown hair.” And she's like, “Bingo!”

Emily, watching Criminal Minds: Once again, people need to stop saying “Hello?” If there really is a murderer in your house, they’re not gonna be like, “How are you, bro?”

Natasha: The day my mom got Netflix was the downfall of my social and academic life.

Michelle: What do you think a disciple looks like?
Grace: *does makeup tutorial poses*

Natasha: I’m not about people below the Mason Dixon line.
Grace: Have you seen them?
Tori: Have you played sports against them?
Grace: "Have you played sports?" No.

Dr. Mills on John the Baptist: He had called out the king, and the government, and some of the rich people, the Kardashians of the kingdom...
Bea: The Kardashianites.

Ashley on the feeding of the five thousand: “It was late and the crowd was becoming hangry.”

Pastor Mills: And God says, “Get a life!”

Brian, on computer programming: My philosophy was always, Keep it simple. Make it easy, so if you get hit by a truck, someone else can pick it up. THIS is so complicated, you’d probably step out and get yourself hit by a truck so you don’t have to deal with it!

Terri, in wistful voice, watching her teenage son: I’m gonna miss that dork when he’s gone.

Grace: *sings* I am like a water balloon, jiggly and bloated…

Grace, dumping water over someone’s head: “I baptize you in the name of the Son... and the Father...... and whoever you want!

Dale: When things repeat like that in Bible—or in our lives!—we should pay attention because something’s probably happening there.
Bea: Glitch in the Matrix.

Congregation: *sings* While I was singing, somebody touched me...
Cortney and Ashley: *creepily reach over and touch each other*

Ashley: Jess was REALLY into Asian men. She thought they were gorgeous. Turns out she HATES chest hair. Body hair is to her anathema.
Jen: So she chose a good demographic. It was either them or preteens, and we know THEY’RE problematic.

Jen: *sings* Packages, packages, barely even human!

*Ashley is playing with a stuffed animal with no arms*
Ashley, in high-pitched voice: I don’t have arms. It is a significant problem in my life.
Jen, in high-pitched voice: I have never brushed my teeth.

Mom: What? You don’t want to occupy the same space as me?
Ashley: I don’t think it’s physically possible.
Mom: It is if you live with cats.

Pastor: We’re going to read in unison.
Ashley: But my mom isn’t here! Eunice OUT!

Natasha: I don’t like kids.
Brian: But you were once a kid.
Natasha: Yeah, ONCE.

Dale: And what’s the relationship between humans and animals?
Ashley: God put humans in charge of them.
Dale: So we just do whatever we want with them?
Emily: No, we have to protect them, protect the environment.
Noah: That’s turned out real well.

Ashley, pointing to an icing design: Is that a butterfly or a flower?
Dad: I have no idea. But it’s chocolate cake and I’m gonna eat it.

Mom, on the cake flavors: I’m not a big maple fan.
Ashley: Don’t like Canadians?
Mom: I never said that!
Ashley: At least it apologizes if you don’t like that taste.

Jess on job offers with low salaries: THEY might be a nonprofit, but I’M not.

Quoteboard! With lots of help from a youth missions trip...

Ashley: I want to buy a stuffed deer head.
Mom: O_o Why??
Ashley: Because I’m going to name him Leonard and dress him up seasonally.
Mom: But where are you going to PUT it??
Ashley: On a wall!
Mom: Where?
Ashley: In my own place!
Mom: You don’t have your own place!
Mom: Okay.

Mom, pointing to a dish of leftovers: What’s that?
Dad: Pork. There’s two more left.
Ashley: Two more porks.

*We go to a restaurant for Easter dinner. We have a 12:30 reservation. The party ahead of us won’t leave, to the consternation of our very apologetic waiter*
Waiter: Hallelujah, they’re getting up!
Dad, laughing: Hallelujah?

Student, hanging up a paper clip garland: ART!
Ashley: I think you should always announce your artistic endeavours by shouting, “ART!”

Student 1: How was your Easter?
Student 2: Pretty good. But my mom said that this is my last Easter.

Student: If you die in Canada, do you die in real life?

*A student is face-timing with a relative in India*
Student 2: Does she speak English? Hola!
*All the students laugh*
Student 3: That’s HAWAII!

Student: I would make a great male stripper. I just got to get in shape.
Ashley: OH MY GOD.

*On Isaiah 53:2B: He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.*
Mom: So Jesus probably wasn’t particularly handsome.
Mom: …Now, he IS talking about Jesus on the cross.
Mom: Nobody’s at their best.

Student: Shut up! That's racist! Toward smurfs!

Student: Don't you DARE kill Gary.

Teacher: Don’t you listen to the words I’m saying when I’m teaching? I feel like Charlie Brown. You ever seen Charlie Brown?
Student: Mwa wa wa wa wa.
Teacher: Exactly.

Chrissy, on Facebook, quoting InternetHippo on Twitter: "Please call your congressman! He won't care about your opinion because he works for big money donors but you can tell him to eat shit."

Carrie Ann, on Facebook: That face you make when one of your students emails you to ask how they find sources for their final paper (worth a quarter of their grade) the evening before it's due. I can't even.
Dave: Just send them this image back as a reply

Becca, on Facebook: So, I allowed my students to name our class lizards, and they named one Donald Trump. Today in class, Donald Trump tried to kill one of the other lizards, so we had to put him in solitary confinement. Which caused the class to fall into an argument about the death penalty, and then about the difference between fact and opinion, and my poor little second graders are having existential melt downs left and right.
We're just going to color this afternoon.

Becca, on Facebook: We have a set of poems that we're supposed to use for a unit starting tomorrow, but they all drive me absolutely nuts. I think most of them are terribly dated, not age appropriate, and ridiculous for struggling readers, let alone ELs. The closest one to my content says something along the lines of "if nobody marries me, and they won't because I'm not pretty, then I'll just keep a squirrel in a cage and buy a pony and an orphan child."

Student 1: I have six toes on each foot!
Student 2: And you’re still missing a brain.
Student 1: …
Student 1: That was mean.
Ashley: That was HILARIOUS.

Student: You’re talking like a walking Trump supporter!

Kara and Kelsey are looking at dress types
Kara: Not THAT. That word makes me think of horses.
Ashley: What, “halter”?
Kara: No, “sheath.”

Kelsey: Look! They’re like bellbottoms for your arms!
Kara: We suck at this ‘girl’ thing.

Ashley: God just doesn’t want any of those people to be our pastor.
Bea: Well, that’s nice, because I feel like we’re on Tinder and everyone keeps swiping left.

Student 1: *comes in, sees the tables have been moved* WHY IS THIS HAPPENING??
Student 2: The tables have turned.

Jen: *makes dolphin noises* What’s that, Flipper? Timmy’s in the vortex?

Callie C: You could just commit sudoku and become a numbers puzzle.

Callie C: Always wear pants. I learned that the hard way.

Patti: When Jesus is being taken up into heaven, some doubted!
April: They’re looking for the wires attached to his head.

Tim: The only gun I would keep would be the one that belonged to my dad.
Jen: What about the one *I* gave you?!
Tim: No, I fell on it that time I was running from that guy in West Virginia. Busted it all up.
Everyone else: …?
Jen: That the time you went hunting and came back without your mustache and beard?
Tim: Yeah.
Everyone else: …?!

Student 1: I’m beating you, James!
James: I know not of this James! It’s Greencoat now!

Student 1: “One” means, like, “you.” Like, you are the one.
Student 2: *batman voice* I AM THE LAW.

Anna: I like your boots. They’re like a cross between moccasins and boots.
Ashley: Minnehahas?
Anna: Minibootboots.

Aimee: Don’t be such a sleeve-cheese.

Sarah: I named the creepy little Beanie Babies. I named one of them The Folly of Man and the other one Perdition.

Student, singing to the McDonald’s tune: "Da da da da da, that’s copyrighted."

Student 1: Is she judging me?
Student 2: EVERYONE’S judging you. Just silently.

Michelle: So I called the woman up, and I really told her off. For like five minutes, I gave her a piece of my mind. And then she goes, “You’ve got the wrong number.” And I said, “Look, I found your number in my husband’s phone!”
*pregnant pause*
Michelle’s daughter: IT WASN’T ANOTHER WOMAN.

Ashley: Yo.
Mom: Ho ho.

Dr. Mills, on the stoning of Stephen: It got the point where the Sanhedrin were covering their ears and going, “La la la la la la--!”
Bea: Probably more like, “Oy oy oy oy oy oy--!”

Sam: *pray out loud* *long pause* …So, this was improvised. …My bad. …In Jesus’ name, amen.

Grace, in a voice of disgust: *GOD!* …Is so good! In my life!

Grace: I have the capacity to be intense, I just don’t.

Mom: The one with the head shaped like an explosion in a pickle factory?

Chris, on the son “57 Ginger-Headed Sailors”: If the ship went down, would they say there were no souls lost?

Grace, pointing to the tape over the webcam on her laptop: Can’t trust the government.

Ashley: I need to go take care of my friend’s cat. Feed her, change the litter…
Amy: You need to go do your cat duty.
Ashley: Literally! Cat DOOTY!
Amy: LITTERally!

Natasha, pointing to Masonic bumper sticker: Look! Illuminati! I hope they’re not going to Sweet Frog!
Grace: No. Sweet Frog is a place of God.

Dr. Mills: We don’t talk about God’s commitment to us. We talk about how I need to be committed— Well, I DO need to be committed, sometimes…

Dr. Mills: People think I’m too small to play football, but you can trip anybody if you’re down far enough.

Quinton: The world is my drumset.

Quinton: Come on, you love him.
Sam: I acknowledge that he exists.

Dad: Cat, I turned that on so it would blow on me, not on your butt!

Grace: We didn’t know until the last minute that we were gonna lead worship, so that was a nice, refreshing…
Emily: Heart attack.

*Emily’s in a giraffe onesie*
Phillip: Nice pajamas.
Emily: You’re welcome.

Phillip, 12 years old, on the skits we were performing: There’s a part where I’m about to shoot myself. …My mom wouldn’t like that.
Ashley: Well, you’re also getting crucified, so…

Natasha, watching Criminal Minds: Arizona has the highest abduction rate in the United States!
Grace: Well, yeah, that’s where Area 51 is!

Grace: Tengo Jesus en mi bolsa.

Abby: Duck, duck, duck, duck…
Natasha: The anxiety of my childhood wrapped up in one game…

Grace: Kill it!
Ashley: *Kills the spider* It’s dead.
Grace: *sings* Bless the Lord, oh my soul…

Natasha, on a guy called Turtle: Is that his actual name, or do they call him that because he looks like a turtle?

Natasha: Yes, I’m encouraging her to strip in front of everybody.
Ashley: “What did you learn on your missions trip?” “Exhibitionism.”

Ashley: Grace, you need to put down your shopping bag before you crucify Jesus.

Emily: The old guy who pulled out his harmonica and started playing… And he had a pelt on his wheelchair—so he was the coolest old guy I’ve ever seen.

Grace: Phillip, you wombat!

Dale: When you told me you had a hole in the crotch of your pants, I said, “It’s not real noticeable. Don’t make it noticeable.”
(Note: He made it noticeable.)

Phillip: Don’t worry. I’ll be there to catch you! I’ll break your fall and you’ll break my back!

Emily practices French by setting Siri to French and talking to her.
Emily: That’s the only person I know who speaks French: Siri.

Caleb: If I were going to eat any cat, it would be Sam’s cat.

Ashley, to Emily, who is obsessed with Josef Stalin: Emily! In Soviet Russia, Stalin obsessed with YOU! …No, is not good thing! Stop smiling!

Natasha: She said, I don’t have time for you! I’m going to find Will!
Grace: Where there’s a Will, there’s a way!

Grace, singing to the tune of “We Will Rock You”: Can’t stand your voice, can’t stand your face,
You come over here, I’m gonna give you some Grace!
…You’re so stupid, you’re so dumb,
You can’t even tell me how many thumbs
A cat has!

Natasha, reading a sign: “Your youth leader’s not your mom.”
Abby: MINE IS!

Natasha: Cordell threw Jesus under the bus!

Natasha is holding Dale’s ladder
Caleb: You can’t let him die! He’s your breadwinner!

Abby is covered in little green burrs
Ashley: You look like a Dippin Dotz!

Grace: I don’t need your attitude.
Ashley: It’s a package deal.
Sam: Can we return it?

Caleb: Last night I told Cordell to take off his shirt and he did and I threw a quarter at him and said, “I’m making it hail!”

The Other Caleb: Calebs hold ladders and are carried on the shoulders of others.

Grace: Caleb, you should put that on your resume.
Caleb: “Can become a hot dog bun if required.”

Caleb: Phillip, can you give me an estimate of how many people die in your imagination per minute?

Caleb: Anything sounds satanic in this voice. *groan-chants* Put the macaroni in the pot…

Grace and Emily sing to the tune of Amazing Grace: Dank memes, dank memes, dank memes, dank memes…
Pepe the Frog and Doge the Dog,
Here come dat boy, dank memes…

Phillip, holding the two chess queens: Enemies: they were sisters…

Counselor: Drink, don’t think!

Phillip: *does a deep-throated sigh*
Ashley: You okay?
Phillip, in deep-throated voice: Yes.

Phillip has been laughing uproariously: *holds his sides* Oh, my intestines!

Jason: Your toughest moment?
Jimmy, indicating Emily: She ran out of Netflix.

Natasha: I can’t do art. I can do abstract art, though. Because you don’t have to be a good artist to do abstract art.
Ashley: The abstract artists would disagree with you.
Natasha: That’s because they think abstract art is good.

*We’ve been working in the shade, but the shade is disappearing. The sunlight touches Caleb’s arm*
Caleb: *hisses like a vampire*

Coming down the hill in the dark
Ashley: You need a light?
Caleb: No, I’m good. I live most of my life in the dark.

Youth pastor progress

So last night was my first night teaching as the summer youth pastor. Some background, I was surprised and doubtful when I was first asked to be the summer youth pastor, but then I realized I was probably a good choice: I'm good at teaching, I like it, I'm a relatively good role model, I like working with teenagers (generally), I don't have summer commitments (since I still don't have a full-time job), I need work, I already have the requisite clearances to work with minors, I know a good bit about my religion, I already work with the youth group as a chaperone on the annual Missions Road Trip (MRT). So I accepted the job.

My first official day on the job was Monday, but Wednesday night we just had the end-of-school bash, so I didn't actually have to teach, and on Sunday morning we just had small-group discussions (on questions I formulated) during our monthly hot breakfast. But last night was actual teaching.

The Sunday night meeting is for Divers, which is for teens to dig deeper into Christianity. This summer, by popular demand from teens (and my own interest in the subject) I'm doing a series on world religions. So last night I started off with Christianity, focusing on the three major branches of the religion: Orthodox, Catholic, and Protestant.

It was a lot of information to get through (the powerpoint is here, if you want to see!), and I know the two girls who came felt a little overwhelmed with info at the end, but I also feel like they got the general idea, and I managed to get through the whole thing in like 40 minutes (I talk fast).

The best part of the evening, though, was after the powerpoint, when we just started chatting about Christianity. Girl 1, whose dad is ordained, was telling me about this book that her dad read by a scientist who is also a Christian, arguing that science and Christianity aren't actually in conflict. I agreed with that position, and we talked about how you can take the 7-day creation story metaphorically rather than literally, how people in the Old Testament had a different understanding of the form of the universe, etc. Girl 2 suggested that more people might be interested in Christianity if they knew that it didn't necessarily contradict science.

Then Girl 2 was talking about Purgatory (which we had discussed during the Catholic section of the powerpoint) and was saying, What if Purgatory's real? Which quickly turned into, How do we know that Christianity is right? What if we die and find out the Muslims were right instead, or something?

I am an "input" person: I gather information, store it, and LOVE to find opportunities to share it with others. So I was immediately like, "I actually have an answer for that: a historically-based argument that Christianity is true." I used an argument from No God but One by nabeel qureshi (super recommend it if you haven't read it). Qureshi says that Christianity stands or falls on three facts: Christ lived, he died, he was raised from the dead. Qureshi points out that basically all good historians agree that Christ lived and was killed, and most of them agree that his closest followers definitely believed he had risen from the dead. I supported this last one with C. S. Lewis's trilemma: someone who says that something impossible has happened, like somebody has risen from the dead, is either crazy/deluded, lying, or telling the truth. Five hundred people claimed to have seen Christ after his resurrection. They were NOT expecting him to rise from the dead, and only understood later than this had been subtly foretold. So it's unlikely to be a temporary delusion. The disciples were intelligent people who made great theological arguments in their writings, so it's highly unlikely they were crazy. And Qureshi points out that liars make poor martyrs: who in their right mind would claim someone had risen from the dead if they knew they were going to get killed in HORRIBLE WAYS for saying so (as, in fact, tradition holds they all were). So it is most likely that they were telling the truth, and therefore, Christianity stands up to historical scrutiny.

I asked Girl 2 if that helped, and she was like, "Yes. I feel SO much better."

We ended up on other discussions too, like whether it was the Holy Spirit or another person of the Trinity who spoke to people in the Bible, what Biblical angels actually look like (answer: pretty freaky) (also the girls suggested we should make Valentines with REAL cherubs on them, with millions of eyes and tongues of flame, and I was like, PLEASE DO THAT'S AWESOME), etc. Girl 2 also asked what God was doing before He made the world, and while we agreed that we couldn't understand the answer, since God is eternal, I also pointed out that He could have hung out with the angels, and before that, He could have hung out with Himself, since God is three persons. She seemed to like that answer.

As we were leaving, Girl 2 was like, "I'm so glad i can ask you these things! The last summer youth pastor would just answer with all these big words and fire and brimstone, and one before that never knew the answers!" And I was like, "ASK ME ALL THE QUESTIONS I LOVE TO ANSWER THEM!"

So now I am really excited about what this summer's going to bring and what I can teach these kids!

PS: Girl 2's mom posted on Facebook this morning: "Ashley, I heard EXTREMELY positive feedback from [girl 2] tonight on the new Sunday evening "Diver's" study 😚👍🤛🙏🏻😇 Keep up the awesome work!!!!!!! #yourock 😘 "

badfic quote

(no subject)

My dad recently assumed that because I hadn't updated the quoteboard since December, that it was no longer active.


Katie, looking at the ashes left from a chemistry lab: Look, it’s all blackened and dry… Like Jessie’s heart.
Jessie: When did I give you my heart?!?
Chris: Last Christmas.

Ashley: I can’t get in to see the endocrinologist for THREE MONTHS! I mean, if I was having a heart attack every day, would they make me wait three months to BEGIN figuring out what was wrong with me??!?
Dad: …
Dad: The obvious answer is ‘No,’ but I would hate to commit myself.

*there’s a knock at the apartment door, Jen answers it*
Young woman: Sorry to bother you, but could you zip up my dress?
Jen: Sure! *zips it up*
Young woman: Thank you!
Jen: No problem! *shuts the door*
Aimee: Who was that, your neighbor?
Jen: No idea. Never seen her before.

*Luann falls asleep New Year’s Eve*
Luann: *wakes up* What year is it?!

Luann: Sparky’s nickname should be, “Stop that! Stop it now!”

Jen: Are those my pajama pants?
Callie: They… might be.
Luann: I think the correct answer is, “Not anymore.”
Callie: Mine were dirty.
Jen: How is that my problem?
Callie: I mean, you weren’t here to defend them.

Student: In my day, we didn’t HAVE children!!

Student: What book are you reading?
Ashley: The Arsenic Century.

Student: I have sleep amnesia.
Ashley: Do you mean sleep apnea?
Student: No… What’s it called when you can’t fall asleep at night?
Ashley: Insomnia.
Student: Wait, no. What’s it called when you just fall asleep all the time?
Ashley: Narcolepsy.
Student: I have narcolepsy!

*students won’t stop talking*
Student 1: Can you be our regular teacher?
Ashley: *bellows at the class* QUIET!!
*a silence falls*
Student 1: …Or maybe not.

Counselor: Every time a good woman swears, a badass angel gets its wings.

Roger: I often pray that God would bring justice. And then I remember that his idea of justice and mine are very different. Mine usually involves a lot more revenge.
Bea: I just want you all to know, I’ve been married to Roger for thirty years, and I’ve never seen him take revenge.
Ashley: That’s ’cause he’s good at it.

Ashley: Why do you have to take antibiotics before you go to the dentist?
Mom: Because I had a knee replacement.
Ashley: ...

Ashley: Well, I've had an exciting morning.
Ashley: There's nothing like expecting the mattress delivery guys to arrive in the afternoon, and then being awoken before 7 by them saying they'll be there in 15 minutes...
Jen: That’s grounds for murder in at least 6 states.

Dad: I cleaned out your laptop keyboard. And you know what it was full of?
Ashley: Crumbs?

Ashley: My grandpa used to say green was his favorite color, but he couldn’t tell the difference between green and blue.
Callie: My mom can’t tell the difference between purple and brown.
Jen: …
Jen: You know what I CAN tell the difference between? Feeding my daughter and leaving her out in the cold to starve.
Callie: Good point.

*Anna eats a cherry off of her milkshake*
Jen: Now you have to tie the stem in a knot with your tongue.
Anna: *begins tying it with her hands*
Jen: No, your tongue! Your tongue!
Callie: She’s doing it with her hand-tongues.

Luann: Pink yarn’s gonna be illegal soon.
Ashley: Have to learn to dye our own.
Luann: In the blood of our enemies.

Counselor: Talking to you is like watching a TV show and one of those little trivia bubbles pops up at the bottom, like, “Did you know…?”

Student: Can I go play basketball in the gym?
Me: No.
Student: Aw, man! This is SUCH a DEMOCRACY!
Student 2: I think you mean dictatorship…?

Jess: Efficiency, thy name is Susan.

Pastor Mills, trying to get us to sit down after the greeting: Welcome back!
Ashley: Good luck!
Pastor Mills, laughing: Welcome back!
Pastor Mills’ wife: I’m not done yet!!

*We sing some old traditional/children’s songs during worship*
Pastor Mills: I haven’t sung THOSE songs in a few weeks…
Devona, the children’s pastor: I have!

Pastor Mills, reading us a story: “So we bought 8000 Krispy Kreme donuts.” I think that’s a pretty good description of Heaven.

Cashier: Have a good day! Enjoy the… *gestures to the snow outside* …filth.

Ashley: I found out that I not only clench my teeth in my sleep, I do it as soon as I lay down in bed. Something about the angle of my head on the pillow.
Dad: You’ll just have to take off your head at night and put it in a jar by your bed.
Ashley: … O_o

Mom: Gracie [the cat] just looks so much better.
Ashley: Her coat is even brighter!
Mom: Yes! The white is so white, and the black is so black…
Ashley: And the snozzberries taste like snozzberries!

Dad: We’re having chicken patties and turkey soup. Mom cooked two birds with one stove!
Ashley: *facepalms*

Student 1: Yes, you do!
Student 2: No, you don’t!
Student 1: Yes, you do!
Student 2: No, you don’t! I don’t know how it was for you in the OLDEN DAYS, but—

Student: I mean, if I have kids one day, and something happens to my husband, IE, I kill him for cheating on me…

Student: I don’t like her. Her hair makes me angry.

Me: …Are you making confetti?
Student: I’ve been going through some things.

Amy: For the ladies’ retreat, please bring an item from your home that you don’t really need or want, but you haven’t had the will to throw it out yet.
Tracey: I thought we were supposed to leave our husbands at home?

One male Spanish student to another: Calvin, my friendarino potato!

Jen: The last bite of toast is always the saddest.

*Three students are working on a group project. One person is in her costume for Fiddler on the Roof*
Student: It’s like, a fake Jewish person, a real Jewish person, and Cassidy.

Student, lugubriously: Look, I don’t feel well. I don’t even WANT to dress up like a Jew today.

Student: [Teacher] has a hard time writing like a normal person, because all she ever writes is cursive.

Mary Alice: I need a scripture for the bulletin for Faith Promise Sunday.
Bea: Give till it hurts! Delusions 2:1!
Ashley: *laughing* Delusions 2:1!
Bea: Excuse me. SECOND Delusions.

Ashley: Jesus is the BEST stalker.

Terri: He could smack me and I couldn’t see it coming. That’s my blind spot.
Bea: Honey, we’re in church. That’s called ‘laying on of hands.’

Bea: She keeps going places without her oxygen. She’s got the oxygen tubes over her ears, and then hearing aids in both ears, and then her glasses over that… So clearly the first thing to give up in this situation is breathing.

Bea: Any more acts of generosity?
Tina: I didn’t smack that [annoying receptionist] woman today.
Ashley: That’s VERY generous.
Tina: I couldn’t reach her.

Patti: They named her ‘Karma’ when she was a kitten so they could say, “Good Karma!” “Bad Karma!”

Teacher 1: I don’t tolerate profanity.
Teacher 2: Well, that’s a f*cking shame.

Jen: The spirit is willing, but the workload is butts.

Mom: I tried putting Mitzi’s food in an egg carton so she’d have to fish it out, but she doesn’t seem interested.
Ashley: Well, why bother to do that when she’s got her bowl right there?
Mom: I know. But I thought she’d think it was fun!
Ashley: FUN? Mitzi is above FUN. …Think Cruella de Vil with a little less sadism, and that’s Mitzi.

Student 1: Dystopia is like, it couldn’t get any worse. Like robo Nazi space bears!
Student 2: Why robo Nazi space bears?
Student1: Well, YOU took robo atheist space bears.
Student 2: No, it’s racist space bears.
Student 1: What does that look like?
Student 2: The black bears and the brown bears hate each other.
Student 1: Black bear lives matter!
Student 2: If the bears don’t sacrifice Christopher Robin, Yogi will rise from the earth! The unfaithful bears will be swallowed into bear hell!

Student 3: Why is it bears?
Student 2: Because it’s unbearable.

Written on board in student writing in big outline for “Zombie survival for dumbies”: No gunhit them with a stick while crying FU

Student 2: They’re a very sustainable food source!
Student 1: I am severing from this group before you resort to cannibalism.

Student 1: What is the first rule of the zombie apocalypse?
Group of students: Don’t get bit.
Student 2: Don’t talk about the zombie apocalypse.

Student 1: What is Persephone the goddess of?
Teacher: The dead.
Student 2: The underworld.
Student 1: No, she said the dead!
Teacher: It’s both.

Bea: We go from these stories about people who preach, and do miracles, and get stoned… I mean, WERE stoned—

Bea: I didn’t come to the Lord because I was afraid of hell, but because I wanted Him in my life!
Ed: I dunno, I was scared of hell.
Patti: Whatever works, Ed.

Woman 1: Bluebird. Who’s Bluebird?
Woman 2: Nobody. I’m Sweet Tart.
book sandwich

Long since time for QUOTEBOOOOOAAAARD!!!

Student, on I don’t let websites tell me how to feel about myself.

Same student, on This thing assumes we’re healthy. It really makes me mad.

High school girl to her friends, completely deadpan: Here come the elite athletes in the school. We are blessed.

Student 1: Was “That Seventies Show” actually from the seventies?
Student 2: I don’t know.
Student 3: I don’t think so. I don’t think Ashton Kutcher lived back then.
All: [laughing] Oh, yeah.

Student: He has a laugh that sounds like a Windex bottle. “Kh-kh-kh-kh!”

[Student interrogates me about how I’m not using my advanced degree]
Student: So you did all that school for NOTHING?!
Me: [loftily] Education is its own reward.

Old high school Spanish teacher: So how many years did you study for your PhD? Like, from your freshman year of college.
Me, calculating: Ten and a half.
Teacher: Ten and a half. WOW. …So you must be nearing thirty now, huh?
Me: …Yes. Thank you.

Student: I can’t really write in the school environment.
Me: Is it the noise? Do you want to go out in the hall?
Student: No. It’s the walls.

Student, doing Spanish homework: What’s “huevos” mean?
Me: Eggs. Like “ovos”.
Student: Oh. It’s Maria. ‘Maria hates eggs.’ What’s wrong with her??

Student: I hate when I have nothing to do. Or when I have something to do but I don’t want to do it.

Student: Zac Efron? Woo! Who wouldn’t?

Student: What is up with you and your phone of late?

Student 1: It’s going to rain. And have you seen how much the ponchos cost at the stadium??
Student 2: Then bring your own.
Student 1: You can’t. Because it’s a weapon. Because I’m definitely going to suffocate someone with my poncho.

Student: Who are you dollin’ up for?

Jess: Huh! I think I just figured something out! …But I don’t know what.

Pastor: It sounds like our political system today. I don’t know what to tell you about that mess.
Parishoner: Amen.

Jess: I only had two good meals when I was in Ireland. One was a pizza. The other one was a burger from the Hard Rock Café. I mean, in Ireland they put, like, sage in their burgers! If I want to eat potpourri, I will.

Jess: I always thought the Magic School Bus sounded like a drug. “Climb on the Magic School Bus!” Like, *stoner voice* I’m takin’ the bus, man.

Ty: My favorite pushups are clapping pushups.
Tom: My favorite pushups are ones other people do.
*Ashley and Tom slap high five*

Ty: the only thing I like from the movie [Princess Bride] is, *Spanish accent* My name is Antonio Banderas.

*People notice that Jess is taking silly photos*
Jess: Someone left their phone unattended.
Jess: This is the price you pay.

Ty: Sugar-free, low calories.

Wedding officiant: The ring is made of precious material to remind you how precious your love is.
Ashley: *whispers* Prrrrecccciousssss

Teacher: What is the rite of passage in our culture? What makes you an adult?
Student: You turn eighteen.
Teacher: Exactly. You have to achieve eighteenness.

(Mom, two weeks from retirement, walks in the door.)
Ashley: How was your day?

End of a Slate article on who is likely to win the election: We’ll keep updating until the election. Be sure to check when you want the single number that most accurately reflects the expert consensus on an unverifiable probabilistic calculation!

Student: His whole life is slow. He drives slow, he brains slow…

Student: I think the PSATs killed 6 out of the 7 brain cells I had.

Author: My mother had a cow. In fact, she dang near had a whole herd.

Random girl: *is passing on a bicycle*
Ashley: *makes friendly eye contact*
Random girl on bicycle: THIS SUCKS!!
Ashley: Aw!
Random girl on bicycle, as she rides away: AUUUUGGGHHH!!!

Teenager on phone: Hang on, I can’t hear you. There’s a lot of crying going on here.

Dad: Every time you said “serial killer,” I thought of Cap’n Crunch splayed out dead on the floor.

Teacher: Mac!
Mac: Here.
Teacher: Mary!
Mary: Here.
Teacher: Evan!
Evan: *Chewbacca noise*

Student: I’ve got homework for frigonometry.

Mom’s student, in a retirement card: Now that you’re retired, you can play tag with your husband.

*Anna’s car takes two hours at the shop*
Jen: Poor Anna’s like, “They said it would only take a half hour!” And I was like, “But they didn’t says WHICH half hour.”

Jen: Dan was with Callie at the hospital, and I was trying to find out if they’d given her a bolus, and he told me they had given her an Ebola injection. That’s when I told him to give the phone to Callie.
Ashley: I love that the person who was drugged up knew what was going on better than the guy who was sober…

Callie: Why did that camera just breathe on me?

At the Halloween party:
Dementor: I'm sucking out your soul!
Jen, as the Sorting Hat: I have no soul! I'm a hat--AND a ginger!

Anna: You should have been here the other night. Callie had a great one for the quoteboard. The cat got up on the shelf with my Charles Dickens collection, and Callie went, “A Tale of Two Kitties!”
Ashley: Well, that cat IS cute as the Dickens.

Teacher: For any of you who are allergic to pollen, pollen contains… the male reproductive cells of the plant.
*long pause*
Student: So it’s flying sperm, basically.

*Jeremy shows me their partitioned living room*
Jeremy, gesturing to the two armchairs: So over here, we have the *puts on snooty voice* “Oh, the economy, and the politics, and have you read the news?”
Jeremy, gesturing to the couch in front of the TV: And over there we have the “BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY BUFFY!”

Sally, hosting Bible study: I need to prep food. People want to eat. That’s why they’re coming. That and Jesus.

Jessica, an ESL teacher: I know that spelling is a problem. But, I gave my students a test the other day. And it had a word bank on it. And one of my students asked me, “Do we have to spell the words right?”

Jessica: One of my students did a book report on Robin Hood. Halfway through, Robin Hood ended up on a deserted island with only one friend. …When Little John turned into some guy named Friday, I knew there was a problem.

Sally, ESL teacher: My favorite was the student who wrote about this great American author, Hey Ming Wei.

Joe, med student: Lectures would end, like, “In sum, the body is just a series of tubes. …Idiopathic means we don’t know which tube is causin’ it.

Jessica: The answer to “Can I bring a banjo?” is always yes.
Jeremy: Going to a funeral: “Can I bring a banjo?” “Yes.”
Jessica: Going scuba diving: “Can I bring a banjo?” “Yes.”

Sally, making a phone call: Hi. Would you say that you have a small, medium, or large-sized head?

Charlotte, pointing to my book, which has a bird turning into a man in front of a castle on the front cover: Is it autobiographical?

Sally: Just don’t hit that green post and knock out our internet. If our internet goes out…
Ashley: There’s gonna be a MURDER tonight!
Sally: Yes. We will murder you and then toss your body down the ravine, and no one will ever find you.--Oh, look, the stars are so pretty tonight!

Bible study, playing sardines. There are seven people crammed in a tiny closet.
Jeremy: This would be a terribly awkward time for the Rapture to occur.

Jeremy: And then when everybody else left I realized I was stuck!
Charles: That’s when you need Life Line.

Charles: Men don’t HAVE hot flashes!

Sarah: If you’re moronic, you’re only one kind of moron. Byronic, you’re two.

Leah: I try not to have flings. Because I don’t want to ruin men for decent women.

*Sally gets home*
Ashley, gesturing to Sally’s husband Jeremy: You missed the "It Must Be Bunnies" singalong!
Sally: No, I missed THIS "It Must Be Bunnies" singalong. There have been many.

Dad: I figured I could gather up the trash, and you could ride with me, and then we could both go vote.
Mom: Another date to the dump.

Ashley: So I was telling her about how Bob Ross was once a drill sergeant.
Dad: Happy little pushups.

Dad: That’s a lot of wedding for somebody who only weighs thirty-five pounds.

Mom: It’s something Magi, and it starts with a T.
Me: Three?
Mom: …
Mom: I hadn’t thought of that.

Pastor: I want you to think of something that really irritates the gourd out of you!
Courtney: I have a GOURD in me??

Courtney: Anybody who has a gourd in them must be GOURDGEOUS!

Woman at craft sale: My husband USED to have a Dallas Cowboys shirt, but a bleach bottle fell on it… *laughs wickedly*

Dad: Have those green beans even been washed?
Mom: Well, they’re supposed to be ready to prepare, so I assume they have.
Chris: You know what assuming does! …Gives you salmonella.

Dad: *mentions a historical figure from the 20th century*
Me: I don’t know who that is.
Dad: O tempora! O mores!

Student: *walks into the classroom* *sees the usual teacher isn’t there* OH. THANK. GOD.

Grandma: I’ve got to have all this dental work done. I need a bridge and four or five crowns… And I’m getting old—it doesn’t hardly seem worth it! I told the dentist, I’ll have to tell my kids to make sure that when I’m in the casket they prop my mouth open so I can get my money’s worth.

Fifth-graders: *play a piece on their snare drums*
Fifth-grader 1: No, wait—
Fifth-grader 2: We messed up!
Fifth-grader 3: *solemnly* We have failed.

Me, subbing: As you may be able to tell, I’m not Mr. Maag.
Fifth-grader: *laughs* Of course not! ‘Cause he’s a boy and you’re a girl!
Me: Yes. Thank you for noticing.

Student: I’m terrible at English. I love my English teacher, but I hate what he does.

Jen: The bedroom door blew shut in the middle of the night. And it wasn’t a problem, until Binky [the cat] needed to use the john. So she scratched at the door for awhile, and finally she went, “MOWWW!” And my mental permutations went like this: first I thought I had received an email from Binky, only it was in all caps…

Student: You look like somebody. Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy?
Me: No?
Student: Well, there’s a girl on Grey’s Anatomy, her name’s “Rebecca” on the show, but her real name’s Eva, and she was in a ferry boat accident and had to have her face reconstructed. You look like her.
Me: Am I the “before” picture or the “after”?

Student: My pants keep falling down! I’m so angravated.

Anna: I’m not wearing my costume in the car, because I have to pump gas, and there are some things I will not do in a Renaissance dress.
Callie: Anna, I know you’re not larping—BUT LARP HARDER!

Jen: After my hysterectomy, for a couple months I just felt like my internal organs were going, “…Where’s Steve?”

Subway employee: A lot of people get mad about tomatoes.

*phone rings in the classroom*
Me: Hello?
Me: …?

Student: Do you know what makes me even more uncomfortable than couples kissing in the hallway? Couples hugging for a really long time in the hallway and making eye contact with passersby.

Bea: She uses her oven to store her sweaters.

Bea: What color of paper do you want?
Ashley: White.
Bea: *whispers* Paper racist.

Bea: It is the Christmas Aardvark! As legend has foretold!!

Dr. Mills: When I was in seminary, I told God what I would not do. That was a stupid idea… I told him I wouldn’t lead a district Impact team. I told him I wouldn’t be a youth pastor. And I told him I wouldn’t pastor a church in New England. Well, my first job out of seminary, they asked me to lead a district Impact team. I led five teams in two different districts. I was a youth pastor at three different churches. And for twenty years, I pastored a church in New England. …Finally, I figured out how this worked. And I told God I would not pastor a church in Hawaii.

Me: Bless you.
Mom: You’re welcome.

Dad: She had to take seventeen doses of Miralax.
Ashley: She needs to see a doctor!
Dad: She IS seeing a doctor.
Ashley: She needs to see a doctor a little harder!

Diane and her friend Magali are trolling people about being lesbian lovers.
Magali: We could get married!
Diane: Well, I’d need to see first what it would do to my financial assistance. Because I’m perfectly okay with living in sin if it doesn’t hurt my financial aid.

Roger, in Christmas-themed Bible study class: What are your favorite carols? THIS is MY favorite Carol. *gestures to classmate Carol M.*

Roger: So Bea’s brain is abnormal but benign.
Ashley: Well, we KNEW that…

Adam: People from Baltimore pronounce it “Balmer.”
Colin: I guess the rest of the word got destroyed in the riots.

Colin: You’re chewing with your cheeks!

Adam: You were making a loud face.

*Kelsey holds baby Eden up in the air overhead*
Barb: I did that with Chris one time. He threw up in my face.

Ashley, arranging Christmas tree branches: Oh, THAT’s why there was a gap! One of the branches hadn’t fallen into place yet!
Ashley: Like an undescended testicle!
Mom: …
Mom: …I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

*Teachers’ lounge*
Custodian: You can sit with us. We don’t bite.
Ashley: Much.
Custodian: Unless you ask.

Ashley: *Prepares to leave the teachers’ lounge* Well, back to the grind.
Custodian: Take a cookie. It’s a lonely walk.

Bea: This little girl said her two favorite things about church were mints and Jesus. In that order. And I was like, “Taste and see that the Lord is MINTY-FRESH!”

Student 1 to student 2: You just want to skip class!
Ashley: Like the rest of you don’t!
Student 3: She knows us too well…